Privacy vs. Secrecy

Hmmm. Interesting subject. There are lots of thoughts I have on this, but to begin with: Anything that the adopted child does not want shared (within reason) should not be shared. This applies to bio families AND extended adoptive families (and friends and neighbors, for that matter). Now what the "within reason" parameters are is still up for discussion...

This is a really good question. I'm WAY less likely to share things these days. I only give the information that I know that Kiddo needs and stuff that is inconsequential. Heck my folks bought a new car and I don't even like to mention that because I know they get judged for that. I think that trust is REALLY important. I don't know a heck of alot about Kiddo's mom and dad and really what I do know, I don't share. I will tell the area of the state they live in, what they do for work, and when asked "why did they adopt" my response is I just know that they chose to build their family that way. I wish I didn't feel the need to keep secrets, but I do. If it is important health information I pass it on, otherwise nope.

Great questions. I think of it as a "need to know." My extended family knows very little about DD's bmom. At first I did not share information because M (DD's Bmom) is young and has made many mistakes in life. I did not want her mistakes to come in the way of future realtionships that may develop through the years of our adoption. I also, did not want family (sisters, etc.) talking about M to thier friends and tainting her. Who knows as our relationship grows she may meet extended family members and become more of a part of our lives and I would not want mistakes of the past to hinder or make people think poorly of her. Does that make sense? As far as sharing stuff with M. I share a lot but not everything. She knows everything about DD. She knows about me DH and DS... But not the intimate details of our life. She does not know that I got pregant after 18 years of infertility only to have a horrible miscarriage which has resulted in 2 additional surgeries. Why because it does not affect her. Now if we were moving, getting a divorce or having a health issue with DD she would be in the Need to know group. I am still processing the orginal question that was posed and probably will do so for years to come, and my answers will proably change as time goes on. It is something that we all should think about and consider.

Heidi, I am obsessed with this topic! haha. I have to say that the biggest "challenge" in our open adoption with DD's birth parents has been that she is a secret even to their other children. Well, I raised it last night with DD's birth mom and she said that they know that DD is her daughter and that they are "kind of" sisters. This was a HUGE relief to me as we are visiting in a few weeks....last year's visit was really odd (DD saying to her sister, "we are sisters!" and the sister making the 'kookoo" sigh at her!). I am really very happy and excited about this development. Now...DH is also a "secret"....that has been really hard for him....his birth mom does not want to meet him (and she lives 10 minutes away!). I can understand why women may keep their placed kids secrets, but it stinks for the adoptee who is a "secret," imo. She also won't answer his question about who his birth father is/information. It kind of makes me batty. I don't think secrets should be kept from adoptees (obviously some things need to be told age-appropriately) whether it is from the "a" or "b" parent side. I am obsessed with Troy Dunn, the Locator. I watch the show all the time and I see so much damage done by keeping "secrets." He had a great blog post about this recently (trust me, I know it's kind of cheesy, but it just makes a lot of sense)....[url=http://www.wetv.com/blogs/the-locator/2010/03/purge-your-way-to-peace.html]WETV.com - The Locator - Purge Your Way to Peace[/url] Although I am a fan of openness, I do think some things are private. DD's birth mom knew when my Dad died...and was so supportive. They told me when DD's great grandparents died. We talk about work, the kids' activities, etc. I don't need to know every detail of their lives and I don't think they need to know all of ours either. As for discussing them with other people, I have had people make some "assumptions' and I usually just say something like, "They are wonderful people who love DD very much." That shuts most people up. I can say though that it is "easy" for me because DD's birth parents are really great and really supportive. I wonder if we had a lot of major "issues" if I would want to "confide" in someone besides DH...my best friend or something...not sure!Anyway, good topic!

Privacy = the right of a biological mother/family to protect information about themselves that does not directly jeopardize the child they relinquish, i.e. names, locations. Secrecy = withholding information that could, in some way, shape, or form, jeopardize the life of the child they relinquished, i.e. medical information. Secrecy can ALSO = withholding certain information for certain reasons that could be referred to as selfish by the adoptee i.e. the biological mother wants no one to know that she placed a child for adoption. Adoptive parents in a closed, private adoption need not disclose any information other than what has been requested by the biological family prior to finalizing the adoption [in my case - bio mother requested Catholic adoptive parents and that was it; my adoptive parents weren't obligated to share any other info with her]. Biological mothers have the right to protect private information like their name and hometown BUT should be mandated by law to provide all medical information to the adoptee at the time of adoption. It is never okay to lie to an adoptee and withhold the fact that they were adopted. I don't care what repercussions would come of sharing that information. I do not think it is okay for biological mothers to lie about having given birth and subsequently relinquished, either, as it indicates shame [in some cases - that's not a generalization]. In general, secrets are kept in an effort to leave someone out of the loop, and in adoption I think there should be disclosure, not secrecy and lies. All members of the triad have a right to privacy. In terms of secrecy, adoptive parents should not have the right to keep their child's adoption a secret from that child. Privacy ends when the measures taken to maintain privacy have the potential to hurt someone. Mine = biological medical history. It is my right, simply because I was born. Info belonging to be biological mother/family that does not necessarily have to be disclosed with adoptive family/adoptee = names, locations, etc. Anything that protects their identity without having the potential to harm the adoptee. Info that belongs to the adoptive family = everything, upon finalization, unless it is an open adoption. I don't think adoptive parents are obligated to the biological family otherwise. Hurts to NOT share = biological medical history. Anything else [info about the reasons why a bio mother chose to relinquish, for example] has the POTENTIAL to hurt someone, whether it be all parties involved or just one person. It is how the information is shared and when that determines whether or not the relationship will suffer. I can only speak to my own experience. Personally, I would hope that my biological extended family [grandparents/uncles & aunts/half-siblings] had the opportunity to know about me in the event they wished to find me. But, that's unlikely. Adoption, in my belief, should be mainly about the child. Whatever is best for the child, then, should be shared [bio med history, for example]. The biological mother made a decision [whether she made it on her own or was forced, as I understand that many biological mothers here did not have a say in relinquishing their child] and with that decision came consequences...the long term health of the child shouldn't suffer because the biological mother fails to provide appropriate information. If an adoptive family agrees to an open adoption, then they should hold up their end of the agreement, whether it be sending pictures or arranging a yearly visit. Yes, biological mothers have a right to privacy, but not for selfish reasons [i.e. they are fearful of being judged if people find out that they relinquished and therefore they choose not to provide important information to the agency or adoptive family at any point]. However, adoptees and adoptive families have rights, too, and all must be considered. I find it difficult to empathize with biological mothers who [and there seem to be few] demand that they receive absolute privacy at the cost of their relinquished child.

I would further define Nicoles words below...Quote:Essentially- what kind of information is yours alone and what by rights "belongs" in a way to the whole group of you (aparents, bparents and child together)? Mine = biological medical history. It is my right, simply because I was born. Info belonging to be biological mother/family that does not necessarily have to be disclosed with adoptive family/adoptee = names, locations, etc. Anything that protects their identity without having the potential to harm the adoptee. I would specify that family medical history in the context of history that is of use or may be thought to be of use in the future to the medical profession to care for the adopted individual based on hereditary illnesses present in the family. An agreement to provide updates both ways should be a mandatory obligation that is lived up to. At the same time there is no need for some information that may be embarrasing and/or sensitive information about the biological mother or family that could be in a mothers medical history (history of abortions, details of personal exams etc that may be in the file etc). Info that belongs to the adoptive family = everything, upon finalization, unless it is an open adoption. I don't think adoptive parents are obligated to the biological family otherwise. Any hereditary illnesses that present in the adopted individual that could be helpful in preventing harm to any of the biological family. Any death or pending death of the adopted individual should to made known to the biological family. Kind regards,Dickons

"What is the difference between privacy and secrecy in adoption, especially open adoption?"I've been thinking about this myself, recently, as I am pregnant and not telling the adoptive parents for another month or two. Do I think that they have a right to that information? Yes. Do I think that they have a right to that information right now? No. I've been conscientious about sharing medical information and answering their questions, but I think I'd feel perfectly morally justified in waiting until a couple of weeks before my due date to tell them--but in an open adoption, that's not super workable. I've already told them that the meetup they want in May won't work for us without really explaining. I guess I'm trying to create some privacy for myself in this situation which I know isn't permanent. They will probably want to talk about what it will mean for Cricket that he'll have a sibling who isn't living with him. That's fair. But right now, I don't wanna.

Susie, If I got pregnant I would wait to tell Kiddo's family. Sure they will have to explain that to him, but I don't want to share my pregnancy and that is what would probably happen. My boyfriend is moving in with me after three years, which is pretty significant. He wants to get married in the future and my Mom and I were discussing how I'll handle that. They won't be invited to the wedding. I'll send pictures and a nice description but the stress of having Kiddo's mom around would ruin what should be a perfect day.

i don't think thereare hard and fast rules for any aspect of adoption. our open adoption is 4 months in and we've not heard from bio mom other than the final DCYF visit and 2 emails. I write monthly updates on a web page describing the sorts of things we're doing - swimming lessons, gymnastics, disney on ice. And how she's doing in school. (not sure she's reading) I don't post how she gets aggitated and acts up after talking to people from her last home or that DH and i disagree on some aspects of how to handle issues, but back eachother based on whomever handles it first. I don't disclose we're debating her need to have a sibling. I have things I'd like to tell her - like she sleeps with the picachu dolls that smells like her mom's perfume. But its not the sort of thing I want to post on our family website's blog. So our lack of regular contact and the medium at which i disclose influnce what I share.

As a bmom from the closed era, now in reunion, secrecy/privacy issues are somewhat different, I think. D was never a secret although I didn't openly talk about him with everyone I met! We, of course, had no contact and actually no way to have contact which I think is unfortunate. Even though I gave as full a medical history as I could when he was born, I learned more as I got older about the family history. The whole secrecy thing for me meant that I had no way to contact his parents and they had no way to contact me with any questions. Since reunion, he's definitely not a secret! I do struggle with privacy issues, especially in my call as pastor. Generally I just say things like I'm going to son D's for grandchild's birthday party, etc. It is a challenge from my side to say this is my son (do I add whom I placed for adoption?); I never want to negate the fact that his parents are the ones who raised him and yet there's a lot of personal crap other people don't need to know! (Know what I mean?)

Absolutely Kathy! There's such an age difference between my son and my daughters that it's easy to say 'my son is coming to visit this summer' and leave it at that. As far as anyone else is concerned, he's from another relationship,stayed in the USA blah blah blah. But that's not 100% the truth. And it's HARD to say 'My son is coming to visit this summer. I don't talk about him much because I relinquished him for adoption since I had him when I was so young.' Where are the boundaries there? I also TOTALLY understand the secrecy involved when it revolves around fear of getting judged etc. It's out there. You get A LOT of crap from a LOT of people when you admit you've relinquished a child. I understand people who choose to keep it a secret. It's bad enough to live with the pain of relinquishment let alone being JUDGED for it.

I think that there is a fine line. They tell me nothing so to me that is keeping secrets. I hold back on what I tell them and so some will say that I am keeping secrets. Actually, I am keeping things to tell Supergirl since it is for her and it is not for other people.