Anyone else have a disabled birth parent?

I recently learned info from my closed file. My mother was low functioning and somewhat mentally retarded it stated in the file. That suprosed and shocked me more than I thought it would. I can't see how the stae or the family would just le her continue to have children especially if she could not take care of them at all. Appearantly, she could not keep none of us safe and was unable to provide and safe and stable home life. The grandmother took care of the other siblings to my knowledge. I dont know the circumstances of how she became pregnant. All I know is that I have a mother who if I met her would probaly not even know who I am.

There have been parents who wanted to have their children sterilized because of their profound disabilities who have not been able to do so. Of course sometimes "low functioning and somewhat mentally retarded" means she could have done quite well if raised in a different family. Obviously you are ok so it may well not be something in her genetic makeup. Again, it may have been a blessing in disguise that your bgrandmother wasn't able to include you in the siblings she raised.

I have 3 adopted cousins. There's more adoption in my age-range of the family. We have divorces and step-parents/step-children. I have a friend who was adopted by an alcoholic abusive family. I have friends who've birthed and adopted out children. I was married to a guy whose family was nutz (traumatic for his children to be related to them). I have a friend who's AA and doesn't know all her family history... it does include slaves, and light-skinned women "kept" by white men on the other side of town. I've fostered, and have multiple friends who've adopted from foster care. Having BPs who're, ah, violent, is a rough thing to try to integrate into one's world. Even so, this situation you describe is one of the most difficult I've ever read about, AFA integrating it into one's own world-view. I would be stunned beyond belief, and I've thought about this a lot, having walked through my cousin's freak-out during finding his birth family. And here you are, saying about your children, " I just hope they will learn compassion and that all people have value and purpose...." Wanting to bring meaning to her life. Your maturity is just stunning to me.I wish you the very best in continuing to deal with this.

Alys, you should check out Amanda's (mymotherssacrifice's) article in Elle magazine. If you search her profile, you should be able to find a thread relating to it. If the "looking at profiles" still isn't working, I do note that the "find all posts" does work for the first page, so you could access it that way.

Thank you, Caths. Thanks for typing to me, will go read. One more thing. My family had a situation that was fairly similar, but reversed. Two sets of my aunts/ uncles adopted. One adopted two babies at once, the old "baby mill" days, pay your money, specify eye color, etc. They were adopted as "twins", but not related, born 2 wks apart. Shortly after getting home, they worried about their daughter's reactions and took her to a doc. The doc said, "She's slow, perhaps there was oxygen deprivation at birth." The doc said, "You should take her back."My aunt said, "No. She is our daughter. We don't know what kind of life she might have if we take her back, we know she will have the best life possible with us." They searched out the best services available for her at the time, experts in their fields. Aunt/uncle each spent time with her individually. Son turned out to be "gifted" and he skipped years in school. Dtr was held back in school... and allowed to make up a different birth date so she'd seem more in tune with her peers. She met and married a boy from church, similar birth, did a wonderful job raising her children, who are a delight, used to run a thriving day care. Somewhere in there, I think something is similar to the OPs decision: someone makes a decision to cherish someone, no matter who they are.

"Cherish" is a word we don't hear much anymore. Thank you for thinking of it, it is a good word to keep in mind.

I appreciate everyone's comments. I know others don't view my mother the way I do, she has 2 sisters that have not ever gone to see her and my grandmother (her mother) goes to her home once a year to drop off a Christmas present but doesn't go in to see her, but to me she is a blessing. I don't believe God caused my biological father to rape her, but I know he made something positive out of the situation, I am very grateful to my mother for giving me life and I am essentially her only family. Kattie sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. In my mother's case it was my grandmother's illness that caused the disability, so maybe that is part of it in your case. Kakuehl has a good point, my birth mother was raised in a place that basically warehoused kids, I've seen a video from around the time she was there and it was chilling, rows and rows of cribs of babies that have limited human contact, a nurse fed and changed them twice a day as they worked their way down the rows. She is 50 now and has someone attempting to teach her sign language for the first time, I can't help but wonder if she had been nurtured and had skills taught to her young if she would have improved. It is sad to see disabled or even drug addicted women who keep having children, I work in juvenile corrections so I see some of the long term affects of this, however, some brilliant people also come from such women. At one point it was common practice for disabled women to be sterilized, but then I believe laws were changed making it harder to do. In my mother's case getting pregnant stopped her from being raped, if she hadn't been who knows how much longer my biological father would have preyed on her and other women. I wish you the best in making peace with your truth. To me it is a journey that has made me search my soul and meet some amazing people along the way, whether I struggle with it or not, it is my truth and has always been and always will be, somedays it doesn't feel real, but I am the child of a disabled woman and a rapist, it is just my truth, not who I am, it is not my burden to carry. Alys, thanks for the huge compliment and sharing the story about your cousin, it is inspirational and shows IQ isn't necessarily a good indicator of human success. That is too bad about your cousin that freaked out, he is very lucky to have you and I can relate, mostly I thank being a mother, I was pregnant with twins when I found out and met my birth mother for the first time, so it was hard not to feel a greater connection to what she went through having no context to understand what was going on with her body. My biological father's dna is more concerning, I did go to his parole hearing in September to express my desire for him to remain locked up. Both of his biological son's have spent the majority of their teen/adult lives incarcerated and were not raised by him. All I can do is my best to provide a foundation of good values for my son's and hope they turn in to loving, caring, respectful people.

I'm very much in your situation. I've recently reunited with my birth father, but he's very strongly mentally disabled. I'm not sure how specifically, but he seems to exist in his own world. We talk online and he'll send me random 'facts' out of the blue like "i take insulin" and then 15 emails with just "ina" (his ex wife / my bio mother who he hasn't spoken to in years) or my name or sometimes just jibberish. My adoptive mother has mentioned something about him spending time in a home or institution (mental, I'm assuming) before or around the time I was born. We basically cannot communicate and it's sort of odd and saddening in a way. I'm very literate myself and would love to trade letters but he just doesn't seem to have the capacity to read or understand.

nyctimene, Thanks for your post. It is weird not having someone who is capable of being a parent as a birth parent. Sorry about your bio dad. Sometimes I think it is easier, the picture of a reunion with bio parents that are just like you and being their long lost child that they love and regret giving up would be great, but that is the rarity. With a disabled bio parent there isn't really any disappointment since I couldn't expect anything in the first place. My birth mother is severely disabled from birth defects caused invitro, my bio father is incarcerated and does appear to have mental illness but I do not know if he developed it later in life or has always been dilusional. I do worry for my children, but on the other hand I feel like I turned out pretty well, so hopefully they will be okay too. Take care and thanks for sharing. Amanda

Both my parents were institutionalized and I was conceived there (that was great to find out). My mother even had a lobotomy 15 or so years before I was born. The entire thing is like a horror show. By the time I found her, because my records were sealed, she had died. I met my father in an "assisted" living type of facility and it was not only depressing to meet him, but it just made everything else become more real. Just a very sad situation all around,

Im sorry to hear about that...my parents were in the mental institution and thats where me and my brother were born(I know nothing of him,only know he was put up for adoption immediately as well)Im hoping I can learn more.Its a sad situation,the only thing I want to do is to thank her for giving me life.She had such a hard life from what I have been told from my adopted mom.

Well it is comforting to know that there is someone else out there conceived in a mental institution! I actually tried to find others and thought I was the only one. I was born in 1969; what year were you born? I thought they segregated the men from the women? I never understood how it happened at all.

It is nice to see there are more of us out there. I go and visit my bio mother who is severely disabled. I even went to one of my bio father's parole hearings, so I know who they both are. And it all still feels surreal, like it all just goes so against how children are supposed to be conceived like someone is going to tell me there was a mistake and who my real parents are. Good luck to both of you and it was nice seeing this thread revived. Take care.

I dont understand how that all happened either.I was born in 1980.My brother was born three yrs before me.I am so overwhelmed by all the info that we are trying to find out and it just seems unreal....I really hope I am able to find more out and perhaps get closure.My adopted mom doesnt think its a good idea tho.

I am sorry to intrude on this conversation. I have a young child (8). I recently discovered that his birth mom has a mild intellectual delay. What we would formerly refer to as "slow". She was raped by a cousin. The grandmother decided to relinquish the care of my son given the circumstances including extreme poverty. The bio mom has since had a second child after being raped again. The second child was not given up. I am so lost as to how I will ever share this information with my son. He already has started to develop fantasies about his bio-mom. I feel I have influenced these fantasies by emphasizing the poverty as the reason for the inability to keep him. As he ages his questions are becoming more difficult. He questioned why the father was not with the bio-mom. My sons mental health is fragile. He gets so angry at times. Please, as an adult adoptee, can you help me understand what my son needs from me. My husband and I are at odds. My husband is sure that we must hide this information from my son until he is in his late 20's. He fears this information will only make him more angry; especially during adolescence.