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Sorry for the long post. I need to vent.
My birthparents (now married) contacted me 3+ years ago. I have 3 full siblings and 3 half-siblings which was a big shock as I grew up an only child. My birthfather left my birthmother while she was pregnant with me. After my birth, my birthparents married other people, then got back together and have been married for 25 years.
The reunion seemed to be going well for the 1st year before the wheels fell off the relationship. Birthmother began having a hard time dealing with the whole issue and had huge problems with guilt and depression (my birthfather and a sibling told me about it although she adamantly denied it (she would reportedly go to bed every night at 5:00 pm so she wouldnӒt have to think about anything) followed by gradual withdrawal from the relationship. I first noticed it when she would call less frequently and make excuses like ԓI couldnt figure out the time change.Ҕ She would only talk about shallow things like the weather and what she was making for dinner. If I mentioned anything about my life she would cut the call short, and if I mentioned anything at all about the adoption (even what I thought were innocuous questions) she would hang up on me. When she actually did answer a couple of my questions, her answers turned out not to be truthful. She repeatedly made promises to call me on certain dates, but she never would. At first I called her but when I decided to see how long it would take for her to call me it would go a month past the day she promised to call. I was hurt since I actually looked forward to the call and she apparently dreaded it. There were many other things too. Yet, when I questioned her about this, she would tell me how interested she was in having a relationship with me. I suggested we back up and take things more slowly ֖ she could set the pace but I did ask her to not promise to do things she wasn֒t prepared to follow through on and to at least be consistent in what she decided to do. But she didnt change. She kept making promises she couldnҒt keep.
During this time, my birthfather was gung ho about having a relationship with me and my family. Hed tell me how I was a member of his family and how everyone was excited to find out about me. Of course I wanted them to be excited to meet me and want to get to know me. And here they are finding me and saying what I secretly wanted to hear; yet there was a huge disconnect between what they were saying (especially birthfather) and what my birthmother and birth siblings were doing. (One birth sibling who has had little contact with me said they had enough drama in their life before they were told about me. Birthparents had an affair with each other while married to their first spouses and lied about the parentage of one of my siblings for 25 years. They revealed this fact just 2 years before they found me. Apparently birthmother also has compulsive gambling issues and birthfather has a history of repeated infidelity as well).
Birthmother went to about 3 mo. of counseling after initially finding me, but then stopped when it got too hard. She wonҒt admit theres a problem, she wonҒt seek help and she wont talk to me about her feelings either. In response, I have cut off ties with her. IҒve had enough of the lies and excuses and until she decides to be honest with herself and face this issue head on, I cannot participate. A relationship takes 2 people who are willing to work on it.
When I told with birthfather about my decision to cut ties with her, he told me that I had to help her. I was the key to her mental health and that was the reason he searched in the first place to ֓fix her. Further I owed it to them since I was lucky she didnԒt abort me in the first place. He eventually apologized for these comments and is now attending a birthparent support group and is still attempting a relationship with me (and still being unrealistic about it) but my question is how to even continue having one with him or any of them. (My birthmother has to seek some kind of help before Ill reengage with her). I feel so angry about this whole reunion. My parents were shocked and hurt when I was contacted. IҒve been hurt. I just feel really used.
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Hi Spotty. I am so sorry things are not going well for you. I've reunited with both BPs, and they too seem to have a lot of emotional issues that make it difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship. To make a long story short, when I stopped going along with the drama, the relationships fell apart for the most part. Our situations are different, but have some similarities, as both my BPs, have a difficult time telling the truth, keeping promises, are a bit out of touch with reality, expect others to "fix" them and their problems, and could use therapy, but wont do the work it would take to heal themselves. I have no relationship with either of them at the moment. My door is open to them if the choose to knock, come in, whatever, but I can't pretend for them, fix, them, or get caught up in their disfunction. It's a bit crazy to say the least. It breaks my heart. Until they take responsibility for themselves, what else can you do?
It's hard to understand why someone says they love you, want a relationship, and yet do all they can to sabbatouge it and push you away, not to mention, try and manipulate you with guilt. Well, I'm rambling a bit now. I just want you to know you aren't alone. Come here and post, vent, cry, whatever you need to do. We will be happy to lend a ear, a shoulder, and give support. I wish I had some better advice for you. I'm sure others will chime in soon.
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Hi Spotty,I'm so sorry that your reunion has turned into so much hurt, so many broken promises, guilt trips and confusion. How absolutely exhausting, if it were me in your painful shoes. And I totally disagree with your b-father's comments that the key to your b-mom's mental health is you and that you 'owe her' - whatta a load of baloney! She, and only she, is responsible for what she chooses to do. Good for you for setting your boundaries as it sounds like just more mish mosh crap that'll ooze out until your b-parents sort out their own tendencies to lie, guilt-trip, etc; I'm sure that your b-parents are grappling with their own grief, pain, unresolved stuff but there's no requirement for you to cop it in the meantime! Feel free to vent away here - you're in good, supportive company.
When I told with birthfather about my decision to cut ties with her, he told me that I had to help her. I was the key to her mental health and that was the reason he searched in the first place to ֓fix her. Further I owed it to them since I was lucky she didnԒt abort me in the first place.
Hi Spotty,
I understand what you are going through.
I too had a two year reunion where my bmom was selfish, insensitive and self centered. I had to play by her rules, or there was no game.
I asked her for a reunion break and she was so nasty to me. It shocked me into reality, as I have never known any woman to speak to their child that way....raised or surrendered, or whatever! It was a true eye opener into who she really is.
There was always a lot of talk, from her and sibling, but it was never backed up with actions. Watch people's actions. They tell you who they really are.
I hope your bios will get help and try again with you on an healthier plane, but honestly, when people get to that age with so much baggage, they can not face the results of their actions. It is too painful. Maybe you will have some sort of luck with your bio-father since he is seeking help, but to be frank...your bio-mother sounds beyond repair.
You are doing the right thing. I did exactly what you are doing. If it is not healthy,stop playing. You will only be sucked into the dysfunction and it will take a toll on you
I havent spoken to my bios in over 8 months. At first I felt badly, but as time went on, I have realized that carrying on a dysfunctional relationship, simply for the sake of contact, is not worth it
Hang in there. You are not alone
Kim
Thank you for your comments. It's nice to have input from people who've been there and just support in general.
Does anyone have experience dealing with one birth parent and not the other when the birth parents are married?
Talking to birth dad is hard since I didn't like his comments and since I know birth mom is not taking steps to help herself while birth dad is enabling. I know they each have to make change happen for themselves if that's what they want, but I feel weird with the relationship with one and not the other. Also, I feel like birth dad sneaks around to even talk to me. I just talked to a sibling who had no idea I started a new career this past year. He has been calling frequently recently and I can't make what's going on fit. Maybe the situation with me in their house is don't ask don't tell or worse like I'm the other woman (since he only calls me from work) - which is really weird. The dating relationship is the best metaphor I can come up with for the reunion experience.
Anyway, I'm just feeling confused, hurt and angry.
Thanks again for listening.
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My BPs arent married to each other, but I can definitely relate to feeling like the ғother woman. My Bdad told me upfront his wife would be a problem and try to come between us. It was one of the few things he didnԒt lie about. Im not an expert on personality disorders, but I think they both could easily be diagnosed with borderline or narcissistic PD. Their marriage was about as dysfunctional as any could be. Not to blame it all on her, he was just as enmeshed in the dysfunction of their relationship as she. Long story short, and to be frank, a mistress, the other woman, was exactly how he treated me, and how she thought of me. They were both pretty sick. When I finally said enough, set some boundaries, and said I would not be a part of their dysfunctional craziness, Bdad shut me out, and from what I gathered from one of our last conversations, blames all the problems on me. I havenҒt heard from him in over a year, and dont really expect to ever hear from him again, at least not while his wife is alive. IҒm sure they are living miserably ever after, and making each other and all around them crazy and miserable too, just as they did before I contacted him.
It is not my, or your, fault our BPs made the choices in life they made, and its not my job, or yours to fix our BPs, or their problems. It all broke my heart when my Bdad shut me out when I would no longer play the games, be controlled/manipulated, or ignore his wifeҒs disrespectful treatment of me. I did nothing to deserve to be treated like the other woman, and none of us are obligated to our BPs just because they had sex and we happen to be the result of that. I dont really have any advice for you. You have to do what is right for you and your emotional health. Sometimes our BPs just arenҒt capable of any kind of healthy relationship, and theres just nothing we can do about it. All we can do is take care of ourselves. That probably doesnҒt help much. I just want you to know I understand. Feel free to vent away. Ive done it more times than I care to admit. WeҒre here listening, and understand how frustrating it is.