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Okay, sisters, let's talk about it....
The research conducted for the past 50 years has often hinted at the role our mothers played in surrendering our children for adoption, especially for those of us who relinquished during the Baby Scoop Era. These studies didn't just focus on American girls and young women, they encompassed young mothers in Australia and the United Kingdom, too.
Time after time, the studies show that many of us came from dysfunctional families...often with alcoholic fathers and abusive mothers. Researchers have posed the question whether by relinquishing our newborn babies if we were actually trying to rescue them from our own fates.
We all know that many mothers who placed their firstborn children for adoption became overprotective moms with subsequent children. I think most of us assume that's because of the loss of our babies and that we become hypervigilant with the children we raise. This is the assumption, also, of most researchers...except an interesting possibility was raised in a study that I read last year about those of us from the BSE.
The researchers raised the possibility, actually a probability in their concluding statements, that we were overprotective from the very beginning...that we protected our firstborn children by surrendering them to people who could give them what our own families could not or would not.
I know I've always felt a kinship with women who sent their children away in wartime, knowing they would likely never see them again. That is how I felt for many years when my son was growing up. I remember always thinking in my mind, "well, at least I got him away from her"...her being my mother.
Were you raised in a dysfunctional, toxic family? Can you talk about it now?
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kakuehl
One thing I would remind all of us is that all of us come from families that are dysfunctional in some way. Neither of my parents were alcoholic, nor did they force me to "choose" adoption. My choice was however made in part because to the dysfunction I saw in my mother and her parenting style and my fear that I would continue the pattern.
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Sorry Kakuehl,
"One thing I would remind all of us is that all of us come from families that are dysfunctional in some way. Neither of my parents were alcoholic, nor did they force me to "choose" adoption. My choice was however made in part because to the dysfunction I saw in my mother and her parenting style and my fear that I would continue the pattern."
Are you just talking about bmothers on this particular thread or all bmothers? In my own case, my bmother's family wasn't at all dysfunctional, it is just that she was living overseas when she got pregnant and had to make the decision on her own (this is back in the 60s).
I'm actually talking about all human beings. There is no such thing as a perfectly functional family. (Yes, I know that is a generalization, but I believe it is true.) Human beings are not perfect, any of us, therefore we don't have perfect relationships or perfect families. That said, there is a continuum of function to dysfunction. The comment was not aimed only at bfamilies. I think I was trying to remind us that not all dysfunction consists of alcoholic and/or controlling parents.
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Yes, I came from a very dysfunctional family as well. Alcohol, drug abuse, depression, you name it. My birth father disappeared when I was a baby. I never got the full story, but it has been hinted that he ran to Canada during the Vietnam war to avoid the draft (I was born in 1966.) My mother re-married when I was 3 to a man who adopted me, but was very emotionally distant and cold. They divorced and she remarried again to an alcoholic.When I offered my daughter for adoption (I hate to use the term "gave up") I was a young depressed newlywed with one child already. My husband was in the military and facing a long deployment. I think that my depression played a huge role in my decision and that deep inside I was terrified of losing my husband.I don't know if I was overprotective of my other children (4 in all), but I will have to admit that they were very sheltered. I was a stay at home mom by choice. I did not even want them to be in daycare or with a babysitter.. OK yea, so maybe I was a little overprotective. :eek: I did not enter the workforce again until my husband was able to be a stay at home dad.Thank you for posting this, I had never made this connection before. It is definitely something to think about.
No, my family was normal. My father was a teacher, my mother a nurse. We were a middle class family. The only thing I can say is my parents were not capable of raising my little girl. My dad was a parkinsons patient and it would not have been physically possible for him. My Mom was my Dads caregiver.
My mom was widowed when I was 5 and never remarried. As a 'Displaced Person' after WWII and no relatives in America to help she simply could not afford it.
I didn't think I had a choice; I was still in high school. She was a terrific mom to me but couldn't just quit her job(s) and try to support me, my sister and my child too. I can't say that she would have been a negative influence in raising my son. Quiet the opposite.
I wish I would have known I had other choices such as foster care or openђ adoptions. I signed away all my rights within two weeks of his birth. My dream of him looking for me is fading after waiting 41 years.
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Bunz z
My dream of him looking for me is fading after waiting 41 years.
I have done all that I can. :mad: I did learn that he was placed through Catholic Charities notwithstanding signing over my child to Lutheran Services. I was surprised to learn that these agencies provide each other with available children. For 30 years I thought my son was adopted through Lutheran Services. I am registered with the State and check every few years to see if anyone has requested his records but nothing so far.
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When I was 11 years old I looked at my birth certificate and there was an area that said number of children born alive previous to this pregnancy and there was a number one in the box. I questioned my mother who broke down crying and told me the story of how my grandmother coerced my mother and father who were married at the time but not in a very good relationship to give the baby up for adoption. I’ve been on adoption registry sites but recently a family member of mine did ancestry and located a man who came up as a 1st cousin twice removed. She asked him how they were related and he said he wasn’t sure because he was looking for his biological mother who gave him up for adoption when she was in high school and 16 years old. His mother is my biological sister who I have been looking for all these years. I was able to reach out to her via social media and confirmed that she is my biological sister, same mother and father. And the man that we found on ancestry is her son that she gave up for adoption. So all in one day I found my sister she found her birth mother and she found her biological son. We have been speaking on the phone back-and-forth and I are planning to make a reunion between all of us. Our biological father is no longer alive he committed suicide about 32 years ago due to his alcoholism and how it was running his life. I needed to share this because itis the most awesome thing and I never thought it would happen. We haven’t met yet but it’s not a question. Look at the pictures.
Last update on August 14, 3:47 pm by Sheri Roppolo.