Help me solve a problem with my girlfriend

Adopted or not, she's old enough to realize she has an issue and attempt to work on it. That's what people do.The real question (as I see it) is can you accept her for who she is, and how she acts now? No one should go into a relationship and hope someone changes who they are for the other to be happy. Sure, everyone has faults and issues, but most of the time the good outweigh those and while we might "wish" our signifigant other would change those, it's never a deal breaker. I'm definitely not advocating you end your relationship by any means. Sometimes just hearing others ideas when you're in the middle of a frustrating patch helps. I also know that most people fall in love a few times before finding the one. Those previous relationships serve to teach us what we like and don't. Both of you seemed to learn some hard lessons from your past ones.Good luck!

Nicole thanks for the reply! I must admit that somehow I always end up in a relationship where my girlfriends are the ones with father problems, I don't know exactly what is with me, I don't have a tattoo saying I am a Samaritan, but the stories usually are that their father either works and lives outside the country, their parents are divorced, they saw their father dying, their father commited suicide, being adopted etc... most of them say I am the alpha male, the truth is I am well situated and educated but anyway how is that possible to end always with the same type of the females?! About the frank part: I told her many times I am not playing around with her and I won't tolerate such behavior but she simply seems like testing me to the very end...like she is trying to find out how much I love her in a weird way. When I go crazy about her stuff, because I do love her, she is just pointing out how crazy I am at that point and what's ironic she wants me to go to the therapy:) Btw she lives in my flat and pays only for the half of the expenses while I buy the most of the groceries, I usually pay the trips, the drinks, the food, presents, stuff when we go outside... so sometimes I think she is just using me. Haha now I started to laugh to myself how stupid I am when I have read it. We also had a situation that lasted for half a year, her adoptee dad had a cancer and died after that time(at the beginning she was saying he deserves that). She used the situation to argument all of her bad behavior. I see many of you would just quit with her, but somehow I deeply feel she is the good person and she isn't the one I should leave. There is only her old mother left and after that she is all alone. I must admit I am not the most simple person alive either, and I know I would appreciate someone to hang on with me. Anyway thanks for the replies and the any upcoming advices or experiences from your side. Sorry if I made your language look retarted in some parts, I should improve my english, I know :D

You make it sound like you always ending up with the same kind of girl is a mystery to you, a passive thing that just kind of happens rather than the fact that you are choosing them as much as the other way around. If you choose to be with insecure and drama-ridden women, that's what you'll have at your side. If you value women that are strong, self sufficient, and not 'needing' your help, you'll end up with that kind of woman. Take some accountability for your own choices here. The bottom line... you want to change her, to help her, to 'fix' her. She may not want to be 'fixed'. If she does want to change, it is up to HER to do that... perhaps with the help of some very serious counselling. It's a huge disservice to her if she changes for you. This is something that needs to be done for herself, not for you.

I have another relationship anecdote for you, ha - another ex boyfriend [we dated for two years, and I REALLY opened up to him in terms of sharing my adoption and how I feel about it - hadn't done that with my previous boyfriend {the one I mentioned in my last reply - swear I'm not a 'serial dater' or anything crazy!}] reminds me of you, Stefan. Like I said, I really laid it all out there in terms of sharing my adoption and my struggles and my emotions, and he never really knew how to handle it...when we were in the process of breaking up, he admitted that he thought I needed help dealing with my emotions and that he thought he could "fix" me and help me get over all of my emotional turmoil, and that is part of the reason why he stayed with me for longer than he knew he should. I was bit a offended, to be honest, because I consider myself to be fairly unscathed in terms of my adoption - I just shared with him my concerns about not having biological medical history, how sometimes you find yourself looking at someone who looks eerily like you and wondering if you could be biologically related - that kind of stuff. I do not think I demonstrated the "extreme" behaviors that your girlfriend is demonstrating, you know? Anyway - coming around to my point, I didn't WANT to be fixed [we've since spoken and he now says he understands that the issues I have with my adoption do not require intense therapy like he suggested; he admits to being ignorant and not taking the time to understand adoption and using "You need help, Nicole" as an excuse while breaking up with me...] and I did not and do not want someone to be with me just because they feel obligated to fix everything that's broken in my life. I have to commend my ex for being the type of person who feels compassion and wants to help someone get to a better place in their life - that's what you're doing. That being said, what about YOU? 1. You're not responsible for sticking around simply because she only has her mother left in her life. What a burden on you, Stefan, to have to stay with her - am I right? Not only do you feel like you have to manage your life, but you have to be there for her. I'm not trying to convince you to leave her; it just seems like you're not taking care of yourself because you are so focused on HER needs [as evidenced by you mentioning that people are asking if you are sick!] 2. She is not only an emotional burden, but a financial burden. Look, I'll admit to using a guy before - it wasn't my initial intention when we met but he soon showed me that he was willing to pay for everything and do everything and you have to admit, sometimes that's really nice when you're in your early twenties and in college. It's easy to fall into that when a guy is so obviously willing to foot the bill for everything. You don't want to be used. She's an adult; she should be able to support herself to some extent. 3. I think you know that your girlfriend is manipulating you. I think SHE knows exactly what she is doing. You are allowing her to take advantage of you. I think, at some point in your adult life, you need to "grow up," too and realize that right now, as a single [meaning unmarried] twenty-something with no children, you are only responsible for yourself. I hate to say it, but you appear weak when you allow someone to completely manipulate you. You are eloquent, educated, compassionate, intelligent...you should not have to bear the burden of caring for someone who clearly has some issues to iron out and just does not want to face them like a mature adult. I still believe that if your girlfriend truly cared for you, that she would listen to your concerns and try to address them, not brush them off and then accuse you of not being a good boyfriend. Just my two cents, Stefan. I tend to "lay it all out there," so to speak, on these forums because I assume that people who come here asking for help want an honest, frank opinion.

Well said, Nicole and Peregrinerose! So Stefan, I'm curious to hear from you what YOU think is 'the solution'? "I must admit that somehow I always end up in a relationship where my girlfriends are the ones with father problems, I don't know exactly what is with me, " And why do you think you keep ending up with women with father problems? What do you 'gain' from being with such women?

There are so many layers to this that it is hard to know if her adoption is the root. As a now 30 year old female adoptee that has only been stableӔ for about 3-5 years I can honestly say in my early 20s I was like your girlfriend but got out of it so there is hope, but its not a ride I recommend staying on. For girls like us with messed up childhoodҒs a lot of the problem is that when we get in a relationship due to not having healthy family relationships we become overly dependent on our boyfriend. I was so in self-destruct mode all the time, would often act carelessly and destroy relationships with men that looking back now I can say probably loved me more than the man I would eventually marry. I had one boyfriend that left me for one of his exs out of no where and I totally did the banging on his door crazy ex-girlfriend thing, oddly same guy called me right after I met my husband and proposed over the phone. I seemed to hang on to all my ex-boyfriends/casual relationships because generally I think a lot of them felt about me the way you feel about your girlfriend, I needed those people in my life that thought I was special. I think because of lack of love from my adoptive family that a part of me couldnҒt let people go that I had shared something significant with, so I would stay friends with them. During this time I did counseling and I did have a couple serious relationships but they all ended badly. I was caught up in the college scene and then the club scene and am disgusted when I look back on the number of men I slept with. Eventually I calmed down; I stopped feeling like my world fell a part every time a man tried to leave me. For the most part I had been doing alright, single, not being careless, being responsible for a year or so before I met my husband, but the first couple years of our relationship I still looking back think I was too co-dependent. Now I feel healthy, Ive been married 5 years, have 4 kids and am no longer in self-destruct mode. I donҒt create drama and love my boring life. In the beginning of our relationship it was hard to let go of my exs, but given the ups and downs in my marriage, I know those friendships would have created problems. Personally, I donҒt think your girl friend sounds ready for a serious relationship where she can be a grown up and the two of you can have a healthy relationship. Is it worth waiting for, I dont know but in my case had I continued the cycle of co-dependent relationships I donҒt know if I would have gotten to where I am now, I needed some space and time to figure me out. Also I would say this, what seems like an amazing person in a relationship many times is not the ideal candidate for being your spouse and co-parent of your future children. Looking back I will admit this, I mostly walked all over the boyfriends that would let me, demanding more and meaning it generally I would give in if I really cared about the guy. Good luck.

You are right, she doesn't want to let go of her ex boyfriends. I generally don't think there is a place for ex in a fresh relationship, where you have serious intentions. Especially not involving them into our relationship, maybe I am just not liberal enough. These guys seemed more important to her than I was even though it was obvious I involved lots of energy. Whenever they would call her she would run to them not caring if we had plans for that day and what made me angry, was that she would talk with them like they are her relationship advisers(and these ex guys were not the ones from the serious relationships, it was the ones from the short term sex affairs). Of course she did say her part of the story, talking bad about me, about our problems and they would back her up in that sense, without any criticism towards her, just like women sometimes do. I know how she tried to twist the stories and my words in front of me without any good arguments, trying to convince me that I said something or did something what was only reality in her head. Many times she tried to make me feel like crazy and like I needed a therapy. I can only imagine what was she talking when I was not around. What's even more ridiculous, why would she stay with me if I am what she is saying I am(well probably the same reason I stayed with her, don't know...) Still she expected me to feel close to her, what was really hard for me. She acted with her ex in a strange way like they are family or something and didn't want to let go. But whenever there would be some female from my side, doesn't matter if it was my ex or childhood friend she would get really jealous, making big scenes. What was left for me to think? That there is nothing going on from her side, at least in her head if not physically? She also had lots of sexual partners before me, what worried me even more, lots of one-night stands, some affairs lasting over 5 years where in between she would have "serious" relationships. At the beginning she would talk with her girlfriends about other guys in front of me, but when I told her I don't like it as she would get mad on that to, she stopped and started presenting herself as an innocent being. But I could see when we were in company of her friends there were some secrets and weird smiles or silence depending on the subject that came up. When I would come home from a night out without her, she wasn't only jealous but would also make ungrounded accusations that I cheated or I collected girl numbers etc. When she would go out at night, I would ask her with whom she's been with or who she has met. Either she would get mad or would only say something about girls (what is probably very much not true as whenever we would walk in the city guys would greet her). She has that some weird energy that people have sympathy towards her and have no problems approaching her. She is also very open at first and closed up later, what it's totally opposite from my side. I think that eventually she will find someone right for her, maybe she just doesn't like me or something and she forced herself into relationship shortly after breaking up 2 years relationship and maybe made some kind of projections of her ex or wanted me to pay for their mistakes. After all she had lesbian experience, she is pretty much feminist and even her mother says males are worthless:) Funny how she would talk about herself as being successful and experienced in relationships. Whenever she would talk about her ex relationships there were so many contradictions, once it was this and the next time it was something else. "I mostly walked all over the boyfriends that would let me, demanding more and meaning it generally I would give in if I really cared about the guy." - I guess she doesn't care for me, I was probably just a healing issue. My intuition told me many times that all what is going on was not right, and when I would make my point she would just say I don't know nothing, my intuition sucks and she loves me. There were plenty of times where I would get totally boiled and tried to brake up with her, saying she has to move out, or we are the past but somehow she would always get under my skin before the thing happened. After another double standards session this week, I told her again she has to move out, and kept to it. She tried many things, even told me if I love her I should keep her or run after her, unbelievable. This morning she moved out!!! Her last message was that maybe this summer will show us some things and that it is not over yet. She moved to her hometown and plans spending her summer with her ex, what she tried to convince me was the normal thing when we were still together. (she is probably planing to fool around and then come back, but no way) I was really thinking I could stay with her till the very end if only she would admit I am not the only problem here and that she is ready to repair the damage she did, not only between us, about the things she told to other people. Because I meet some of her and our friends...and hundred percent they will see me as a pathological jealous psycho, abuser or something like that, because this is what she tried to convince me I am. I admit I am jealous, but not in the proportions she tries to present. After all I was cheated before and was really hurt, what she knows. She is having a lot of acts like that girlfriend had while cheating me, I told her that and she doesn't want to change it or help me out, actually opposite, trying to convince me I need help. Whenever she would have problems in any way I was talking and talking trying to convince her there is no place for worries, she was the only one I love and want, what was true. Maybe my story seems like regular relationship problem, but after some of your words I deeply believe there are lots of adoptee related, unsolved issues that made this all happen. Maybe it's unbelievable but I still think she is a good person even after how she treated me, and probably she will solve her problems sometimes, but unfortunately I will not be there when she does it. And I am positive I will not be her friend, because I believe she will try to do that sometime. But simply I want her to realize past is the past and if she is ever to get a normal relationship I would only be a problem to someone, never mind if that person will admit it or not. Atm I feel really exhausted but at the same time relieved. I am really sorry I didn't investigate this earlier. I tried in google with "adult adopted person...personality, psychology etc" but without success. Only some prejudice "psychological statements" adoptees dealing through life with the fear of leaving, they are pathological liars, promiscuity, fire adoration and so on. I am glad I found this forum and some of you were sincere and there for me to explain something through your experiences. Anyway, I doubt I will ever date an adoptee again, it sounds harsh, but I will not have energy if I meet person like that. Thanks again!

Stefan, I agree with the others that you can't change or "fix" someone else. I'm not sure however that choosing not to date any other adoptees will solve your problem. You seem to have an unconscious need to take in "stray puppies". This might be an appropriate time to spend time with a counselor and try to find out why as you wrote We can't change others, but we can change ourselves and our responses to others. When we change the other almost has to change to because we've changed the steps of the dance of intimacy between us. You have an opportunity to learn about yourself and find out why you attract/are attracted to certain kinds of women. I hope you will use it.

I really suggest that you look at some of your own actions, assumptions and learnings about how you deal with challenges and view others. Given that there are ALOT of people, adopted or not, who have survived all kinds of hardship (given the huge statistics about family abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, poverty, divorce, severe illnesses) - it may prove useful for you to learn from this experience with your girlfriend and how you can better deal with relationship challenges. Simply making a blanket statement about 2% of the population (that's the statistic about the number of adopted people in many Western countries), which includes women like Oprah Winfrey and Sarah McLaughlin, being too messed up for you to want to deal with doesn't sound like much of a solution. While I agree that it's not wise to stick around in toxic relationships after giving it your best, making the blanket statement that 'all adoptees' require just too much energy is about as wise as saying all survivors of child abuse or divorce are in the 'too-hard-basket'. I get the impression that you also lump lesbians, women (but perhaps not men) who've been very sexually active and feminists in a bad light too. See your experiences, good or 'bad', as opportunities to learn, not burn.

Frankly, Stefan, if that's how you feel, I sincerely hope you don't date an adoptee again. BTW, you'll be missing some wonderful women; many of them are on this site.

Stefan, As someone who was both adopted and who has lively extensively in Europe (Italy, more specifically Sicily) I am ..intrigued about your ideas regarding adoption. I don't know if your girlfriends issues are necessarily adoptee related... everyone has problems, and a lot of typical "adoptee" issues are really just human issues, that can come up for a variety of reasons, adoption being one of them. Its a little bit disheartening for me to see that we've been grouped into one group of "undesirables". I may have been adopted..but I know plenty of girls who have more trouble in relationships that I ever have. However, like the others said, you can't change your girlfriend. If being with her doesn't make you happy, you'll have to make the change and be proactive. Trying to fix her isn't going to work, at least in my opinion.

I am sorry if some of you feel insulted by my statement about adoptees, it's true everyone is unique, so there's no need relating to that, but I simply wouldn't want to take any such risks in the future knowing what is able to come out of it. I will add another prejudice like that just for my security, excuse me in advance. I will never get into a relationship with the woman having some complex father issues!And the most important, I should follow my instincts from now on!I really had enough of someone cleaning my cell phone from any female names, all those pimp'n'whore look a like scenes on the street, saying who I should hang around with, getting kicked in the balls on my best friends wedding because she saw a girl I might be attracted to, getting bad reputation in front of both of our friends, getting ungrounded insults, involving parents to deal with our relationship or ex partners and the list is so long it would take me hours.After some answers here I am positive my ex girlfriend has lots of adoptee issues and insecurity coming out of it. Her problem is that she is neglecting it and seeking for the problems in others not in herself. After all she proved this by saying she has nothing to do with any of the problems. Even after I took the responsibility for some of her unreasonable behavior, saying I did something to people from my side(about what she agreed she did at that point) just to have arguments for staying in this relationship in front of them?!I even tried to talk to her friends, to help her out when she starts her innocent story of the great sufferer so they could bring her down to the earth. They will probably just go with the flow and endorse her in her delusions. I guess these were not her friends by the way how they cleaned their way out of it, not wanting to get involved. She is probably mistaken about who her friends are, as she said these were or she simply did here job before, convincing them to how bad I am. The funniest part is that she was trying to convince me that I don't have friends. Just among many of the things it looks like she was just demonstrating her fears on me.She still keeps on sending me messages that sound like hope in her case, but in none of them there is a single word that she did something wrong, actually only the opposite, it's hopeless... I feel like all of it was useless and waste of time. I surely need to be alone for some longer period, something like this will ruin me if it happens again.Now there is only the healing part left in front of me, as I really loved this girl like none before.My "mission" is done here. Thanks for you time!

Just to add a word. Imo the people who are about to adopt someone should go through a much rigorous selection and even some special courses about it, psycho test etc. Because this case has failed totally! Her neurotic father used to beat her as a kid(to the blood) and her mother let her loose through her life. Her daughter maybe thinks of her as a friend but she lies to her for a few years about important things she should have dealt with. Even when some things are obvious or set in front of her she simply ignores them. It's a real pity how this girl has great potential. If only she would realize some things and help her self out.

IMHO it sounds like it goes both ways. To me, your postings sound like a lot of venting about her and her problems, and very little self-reflection about your learnings about yourself, your actions. As I'd said earlier, it takes two to tango. If anything, I get the impression that your main conclusion is to slam 'all adoptees' into one messy basket (BTW, Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple and John Lennon are/were also adoptees [URL="http://famous.adoption.com/"]Famous Adoptees, Adopted People, Celebrities, Actors, Page 1 -[/URL]). It's about as wise as me having had a bad experience with someone from Europe, concluding that all Europeans are rotten and vowing to avoid close relations with any of them.

It appears Stefan's "mission" is completed. Having read through his last couple of posts, I'm wondering if his "mission" stems from somewhere along the anti adoption camp or anti adoptee camp (bad reunion or whatever) or just "kicks". Whatever the case, we don't need his mission or his small appendage.;) After all...small brains are hardly worth your time and awesomeness.