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I am new at this, so not really sure how it works...I guess I'll just start with my story:
When I was 11 months old, my mom and birth father got divorced. During 2 years, there were fights, trials, and at the end I stayed with my mom and he lost all his rights to see me.
My mom got remarried to a wonderful man, when I was 2 years old, whom I've called dad ever since. Together they had another 4 kids and we formed the "perfect family"
For many years, the whole story about my mom's first marriage was a tabu, and no one ever mentioned it. I was told about the existence of my birth father by my my parents at the age of 12, and burried it deep down in my subconscience...so eventually I forgot it.
Around the age of 18, my parents brought up the subject once again, offering me to meet my biological father...but I was still in denial and had no interest. By then, he had re married too and had 2 kids.
On my 21 b-day, I got an email from him. Shocked, confussed and upset, I didn't respond and erased it. That man didn't exist for me and I was ashamed of that dark spot in my past.
Only then, i learned that my mom hated him and was COMPLETELY against me meeting him!! And so, not to hurt her, I decided not to meet him at all...placing her fears way above my natural needs.
------The rest of the story is very long and complicated, so I'll just get straight to the point-------
I am 27 years old today, and after a lot of VERY hard work, with the help of my amazing husband and against my entire family, I reunited with my biological father.
We have an easy going relationship, but there is still that "uncomfortable feeling" to it. I know he tried to contact me for the last 20 years, and prayed ever since to meet me one day...but now that it happened, it's an emotional mess!!
My main question is: what should I call him???
Dad is OUT of the question, because I have a father that I love, who raised me and he will never lose his place.
I can't call him by his personal name, because it's dissrespectfull.
Any ideas??!!
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tough call. Based on what you wrote, its not like he gave you up... and he did reach out for you when you became an adult
how about something like pops?
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wcurry66
tough call. Based on what you wrote, its not like he gave you up... and he did reach out for you when you became an adult
how about something like pops?
I was thinking along those same lines. If calling him dad isn't an option, and calling him by his first name is awkward, another term for dad/father might be fine, something like Papa, maybe? Maybe you could discuss it with your Bfather and both come up with something you would both feel comfortable calling him? Sometimes a nickname can work. I know a man, who didn't want to be called grandpa, so he had his grandchildren call him Charlie, which isn't evenn close to his name. It just stuck and now his grandchildren call him Charlie. The important thing is that you and your Bdad feel comfortable with whatever you decide.
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As I was reading your post "Pops" came to mind then wcurry suggested it...that would be my choice because it denotes father but doesn't all at the same time.
Take care,
Dickons
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Are you wanting a "dad" type name for him? Or are you not quite sure what you want, yet?
That is just fine!! There's no rush.
You could call him by his first name, for now, and add a "dad" type name later on.
I call my birth mother by her first name and it works for us.
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First of all, thank you for the ideas and the support!!
The truth is that since I'm mexican, I call my dad (the one who brought me up) Papi, wich is Daddy in Spanish...so I want to find a name that is VERY different, but still has a "fatherly feeling" to it, for my Bfather...and Pops is pretty similar! (maybe Dad in English!?)
I guess it's a good idea to talk it through with him, and find something that we're both ok with...but we're not that close yet, so I think I'll give it some time for that conversation to come up, and in the meantime avoid calling anything!!?
It still feels very strange, when his friends or family tell me "your father" or call me "his daughter"...I even get confussed some times, bc I dont know wich father they're talking about!!?
Anyways, again thanks to everyone...it helps me so much knowing I'm not alone with these questions, and messy situations!
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I see its been a while since this thread was started, so i hope that in the time since you've formed a good relationship with your birth father.
I would think it best to just be open and honest with your birth father about how you feel about everything, including the situation of what to call him - include him in this process and explain the reasons for it, i'm sure he would be fine with this - and respectful of your stepfathers role in your life.
regards from New Zealand
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