When is it too late for attachment?

I don't think attachment problems are ever irreversible, even into adulthood. As the child grows the healing depends more and more on the child being willing. It seems like I've heard that some attachment therapist won't start therapy on a child older than 12, but I don't know if that is true. Just in case... for an attachment disorganized/traumatized child, it'll have to be the determined committed kind of love, not the emotional kind of love. Attachment traumatized kids, even down to very young ages, have coping skills that can torpedo emotional love mighty quick.

We were told that if the child has a healthy attachment to the current caregiver they would form a healthy attachment to us. I have 3 kids adopted thru the foster care system. J came to us at 7 months. He hadn't been held or played with. (no healthy attachment). He has issues( aspergers, odd and mood disorder) L came to us at 22 months. She had an attachment to a preteen cousin, but not to an adult. She called me mommy from day one. She has issues (goes to anyone at anytime for affection) R came to us at 7 months. He had a healthy attachment to his uncle. He grieved normally for a few weeks and now has a healthy attachment with us.

I don't think you could put a number on that because every child is different in experience and in personality. Some kids bounce back like rubber bands and some are more like concrete (what's done is set in stone). It just depends on the child and (like the other poster said) their willingness and ability to heal and develope trust. Example: We had 2 brothers. Same home, same birthparents, same foster homes, only 13 months apart in age. They came to us at 10 and 11 after 3 yrs in foster care. P, the younger, attatched to us right away. He was open and ready for parents especially a dad. Not to say he didn't have his issues, but he definately trusted us and gave and recieved affection. A, his brother, never would give us even a hint that he would attatch to us. He did not want to be adopted and did not feel that he needed parents. His plan was to get a job and get out on his own ASAP. Eventually A and his teenage sister V caused major turmoil in the home, DCFS dragged their feet and never did TPR, and the other sister, now an adult, petitioned for custody and won. P ended up moving in with the sister and the day he left I knew something had changed in him. He had given up on having a family and he was closed off and cold. It was heartbreaking. I have a picture of him just one month before he moved and he looks happy and full of life. When I see pictures of him now he has this blank look in his eyes. SO, even at 13 "P" could have become our son and had a very healthy attatchment with us for the rest of his life. BUT, at some point the kids have to have permanency or they will just shut down! Just my opinion I am certainly not an expert.

I will agree that each child is unique in this. However, after trying to raise three children who had/have attachment issues (including RAD---severely)....I'd have to say that IF the baby/child attached to some caregiver previous to coming to your home, then USUALLY, the baby/child can make other healthy attachments. I believe that ANY baby/child who comes to an adoptive home should be parented by 'attachment parenting' (or something very similar to this). IMO, one parent needs to stay home with the new child/baby for some time (no daycare, substitute caregiver while main parent is away). The child/baby should be worn, should be allowed to regress back (if the child isn't an infant). And, in terms of infants...I don't believe all babies feel any 'loss' from a biological counterpart. Rather, I think ALL babies (whether biological or adoptive) need to have the opportunity for close attachments to the main parent. Over the years of adoption, my opinion concerning 'What age is too old to change' has changed as well. I used to say any child up to age 3yrs would be able to easily change from their 'neglected state'. However, after several experiences---and those of friends as well.....I would no longer bring a BABY into our home older than 12-18mos. if the child hadn't had a significant attachment to their parent figure. Someone posted above that parenting a RAD or attachment disordered child didn't require the usual type of parenting. I completely agree. Parenting a RAD is seldom equal to 'usual parenting'. RAD children are hard to love, hard to figure out, seldom fun or pleasant to be around (unless you're not related to them in a family unit). The foster systems of this nation won't tell adoptive parents how horrible it usually can be to parent a RAD child (young OR older). It takes much more than PRIDE classes, group throughts or counseling. Regardless of what the adoptive parents WANT.....the CHILD/OLDER BABY HAS to WANT THE CHANGE for THEMSELVES! (And more often than not, that 'want' seldom comes.... :( ) Adoptive parents have little to NO control over what the child 'wants'. And so, those who adopt a child with attachment disorders or RAD need to go into this with eyes wide open and emotions/nerves of steel. Parenting their child will NOT be what they've often perceived as real 'parenting'. Sincerely, Linny

I've gone through attachment therapy with kids starting when they were ages 5, 7, 15 and 16 1/2. All are now healed and well attached to us. I also have a "child" who is healing at age 23. She is very attached to us! We haven't been in therapy, but I therapeutically parent her as I would if she were a teen. We are very attached to one another. As long as there is hope with both parties wanting to be attached to one another and as long as they are both willing to do the hard work, healing is possible!

OK, I am sure you have shared this a million times on this board, but I was wondering if you could share what you do as a parent to help the attatchment process. Specifically, how do handle the mind games, manipulation, triangulation, and control issues? How do you respond to a child with love when what you really feel in your heart is anger?

I'd love to hear too!

Sorry I missed your post. I usually stay on the Special Needs board. Are you asking about what I do for the younger kids? I'm going to assume so, bc those are your kids' ages. The manipulation is easy to answer. I don't allow kids to manipulate me. I am VERY clear about where my boundaries are and I don't move them around. Kids need consistancy, and they definately get it with me (maybe too much so). If you could give me an example of an issue you're having, I could more easily explain what I would do. Triangulation was easy to nip in the bud after we learned what they were doing (thanks to reading and an AWESOME attachment therapist). Dh didn't make decisions without talking to one another first..away from the kids. If they would go to him and ask him something, he'd check with me before giving an answer and I would do the same thing. "Oh, I'm not sure, let's go check with Daddy." Control is a huge thing with our kids with attachment disorder. In the beginning of attaching, we took away ALL control. I know that sounds mean, but we basically reparented our 5 and 7 year olds as if they were babies. We made all the decisions for them. After therapy was over (6 months for the 5 year old and 9 months for the 7 year old), we began to introduce them to making good decisions. But we only gave them two things at a time to choose from. Before that, we told them, "We look forward to the time that you are healthy enough to make a good decision on your own, until you're able, you're going to xyz." Your last question is the hardest for me. The answer is to fake it til you can make it. I'm SO not a fake person! I wear my emotions on my sleeve. So faking that smile ear to ear is SO hard for me. I guess what helped a little was to remind myself that the kids aren't choosing to act this way...it's a survival skill that they learned bc no one was there to be their caregiver when they were babies. I tried to imagine them helpless in their cribs, crying, and no one coming to pick them up and love on them. I would try to imagine the things that were in their history and how broken they became bc of those things. As I imagined those events, I tried to soften my heart and open it even in the midst of 4 hour rages, threats to kill me, threats to burn down my house, abuse to my dog, peeing and pooing on my carpet, cleaning up the blood from them picking themselves, bites, pulling my hair, trying to push me down the stairs, loving on strangers and telling me they hate me, and on and on and on.... It's hard being the mom to such an ill child. Try to remember that it's not personal. That is SO hard for me, bc it feels SO personal. You have to have a good therapist. There's no way my kids would be healed if I tried to heal them on my own! I needed the therapist as much as the kids did! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Never give up hope! Somedays that's the only thing we have!

Thanks lovemy6 for your answer. I guess I needed to hear that I am doing the right thing. I handle the manipulation and control the same way you do. I learned very early on that my kids cannot be given much freedom. That sounds bad, but it's true. When I give an inch they will take 5 miles! I make almost ALL decisions for them. The only choices I give them are the A/B type: "Would you like to eat PBJ or Ham and cheese?, "Would you like to play in your room or at the table?" These ?'s are almost always followed by them choosing "C" (the option that was not given) at which point I choose A or B for them! My theory is that they will eventually learn that going with the flow gives them more control than going against the grain. My hubby is wonderful about not letting the kids triangulate. It is extended family that falls for it every time! I don't know how to get them to understand. My kids are smooth! They manipulate people very easily and then I am the one that is made to look like I am the problem! Taking the anger out of my parenting is my biggest hurdle right now. My DH seems to do it with ease. He doesn't take it personally. I am seeing a counselor by myself starting tomarrow. (I guess I should be clear that I don't abuse my kids in any way! By angry parenting I just mean that there are certain things my kids do that make me feel very angry on the inside.) I KNOW that responding to them with NO emotion would be the most effective way to deal with it, but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I can supress the feelings and look totally unphased, sometimes I just can't. You are right that they are not choosing to behave this way. It is learned behavior and they would stop if they knew how. OH, and praise the Lord the poo and pee issues are OVER! :clap: :clap: I am very fortunate that my kids really DO want to heal. They want to feel connected and loved I can see them attempting to show love in return, which gives me great hope for their future.

Thank you all for your posts. I feel relieved that what I am dealing with is normal for an 8 year old. I get threats of i'll kill you, she pinches, hits, etc. We are making progress, I need to find a good attachment therapist. The problem is she thinks she still might go with Grandmom so she not committed to me. She has been with me 19 months, with no resolution. I too see a counselor for just me. P is on her 6th!! That is the frustrating part. We are now trying to find a new therapist who has experience with foster care and trauma. It is very hard.

I can't speak for how attachment disorders affect all children, I can only share personal experiences.I developed attachment difficulty as a small child. My a-father became a single parent to a child he didn't want. There was abandonment, and emotional abuse. The attachment difficulty seeds were laid when I was 4. When I was 5, a-dad married his 2nd wife. Everything was different. There were hopes and dreams that life would be better. But there was a major problem with trust issues and adults.When I was 6, I was told about adoption. I lost my sense of bonding and security. No one offered to pick up the pieces to try to fix a sense of grief, loss and despair. I was a young child, it didn't matter. As a male I would get over it.I built an instant wall. No one would ever do this again. Major trust issues with adults continued and developed into not caring about anything. I became silent and distant. I looked at my school friends and peers realizing they had something I didn't have and couldn't get.I withdrew from everyone equally...particularly those who were authority figures. My commitment was to try to be perfect. I could hide. No one would know the extent of the grief and loss. Outwardly I was good. I learned that if I accepted adult requirements no one thot about what my feelings were or investigated the dark side of my head. As I grew older, there were 1/2 hearted commitments to dates and others. But there a significant portion of my emotional feelings not shared. I wanted to break up any relationships first to avoid a return to hurt feelings. Even today, many of those attachment feelings are still a part of my head. Perhaps it is the combination of the adoption grief and loss and abandonment that sets the stage for attachment problems.Now as an adult, the feelings of incomplete attachment, altho better, are still present. The commitments I made to others appeared to be 100%...only I knew there was a safety zone in my head. Some relationships got 60%, others more...maybe 90%, but never a total commitment.How to repair a problem of that kind is difficult to know. I can only share that from a personal experience, once it becomes permanent there may be some healing, but parts of it remain.I wish you the best.