So many questions from my daughter--does she need a psychologist?

Billie, It is part of being an adoptee and there will be many different phases your child will go through - some better - some more difficult - and it won't just be an okay we are over that now type of thing. Counseling may be a good option as long as the counselor does not negate the feelings but rather is open to providing tools to work through the feelings... Also a really good recently published book on how kids brains work and what age they understand different things related to their adoption is: Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M Brodzinky, Marshal D Schecter and Robin Marantz Henig. Kind regards,Dickons

I was a child counselor for over 25 years so I am definitely NOT anti-counselor, but ---- your daughter is still young, she is only asking questions (not regressing, bed-wetting, fire-setting, etc). Before I took her to the counselor, I would get some age-appropriate books on adoption and do some bedtime reading. Buy the books, so she can keep them and re-read them whenever she wants. Also, try to find another adopted child her age. Let her meet the child, and stress that the child is adopted "just like you were". When I brought Sassy home, Sissy made the comment "Now there are two of us adopted!" In spite of all the agency picnics, playdates, etc. we had participated in, she had not "gotten" that there were other adopted people in the world. She thought she was the only one!

I think a basic part of being an adoptive parent is fielding and handling these questions from our kids throughout their lives, not just each question once and for all. I had questions from J about his first mom many times over the years, spanning his entire childhood, up until they began their own relationship when he turned 18. Her curiosity is normal and coming to you about it is a good thing-- she trusts you to give the answers and the information, you are who she goes to with the feelings and questions. Awesome! I would not take her to a counselor as there is no "problem" here (IMHO:)) and there's nothing that needs changing from how it's currently proceeding. She asks (and will continue to) and you answer. You assure her that her curiosity and questions are perfectly normal and that you will always do your best to answer them truthfully (age-appropriately). You never make her feel bad or guilty for wanting to know things, especially when she's looking to you to help her with it. It's not about dissatisfaction with her life with you, it's just trying to piece together her own puzzle and her own story. I will say that as scary and difficult as it was emotionally for me when my son began direct contact and personal relationship with his "first mommy" it is has been SO good for him, and for us. Even only "missing" one biological side (my DH is his biodad, I adopted him on our marriage), he had all the same questions and confusion about WHY (even with all the explanations and answers), WHY he did not grow up with her and he was being raised by another mom. None of the reasons and explanations over the years answered the deep, emotional "BUT WHY?"...until he met her and truly understood it experientially. Anyway, I don't recommend counseling at this point because I truly don't think it's needed. Rather just continue to cheerfully and willingly answer her questions as they come and make her feel safe and secure enough with you that she can continue to come to you with it as new levels of understanding and new questions surface. It's just part of the basic job description of adoptive parenting. And it's one of the biggest things that can build trust and security between you - that it doesn't take an absence of interest in or absence of discussion of that part of her for everyone to be happy and peaceful. She can be fully herself and can be fully loved and accepted: questions, curiosity and all. I also think, even at 6, she might see that her own room, playroom, toys and vacations don't really seem like "enough" of a reason to separate them and so she is likely looking for something deeper, maybe something you can't even fully provide at this point, but I don't think it's wrong that she continues to wonder. Love the book suggestions too!

I agree with the pps. It is great that she is asking these questions. I highly recommend the book "talking to young children about adoption." My dd is five and hasn't asked the hard "why's" yet. I do always tell her how much her bparents love her. I think when the early "why's" come, I will just say that they love her and decided they weren't able to care for her they wanted to and that they knew mama and daddy could. It's pretty simple but true. Good luck!

Thanks so much to all of you! I have a good friend who adopted internationally from China and her daughter is several months older than my daughter. We aren't that close but maybe I need to pursue getting the kids togethre more. I'm going to Amazon and order some books right now.I'm REALLY glad nobody freaked out and said "you told her she's adopted????" because I've heard a lot of that. It never occurred to me to hide it from her but her kindergarden teacher called one night absolutely freaking out that she knew. I had to soothe a veteran teacher. I didn't mind because, being a teacher myself, I felt like I was educating her on something new. Anyway, I feel better now. You guys are great!

I don't know that I'd rush her to a counselor. To me, that seems like pathologizing a normal curiosity. She is asking questions, which I think is normal, and at her age, kids tend to be very repetitive and fixated on certain issues or stages. If she shows signs of trauma or upset, that would be one thing. But simply asking questions a lot? Keep answering them honestly. I'm afraid if you send her to a doctor over it, she will see it as abnormal and something that is "wrong" about her.

Billie, The worst thing you can do is not tell...if you need any reassurance that you did right go over to the adoptee support forum and find the late discovery subforum...the stories are absolutely heart breaking finding out they have been lied to all of their lives... I just wanted to note that the book I suggested was for you to learn from compared to the suggestions of books for your daughter. Kind regards,Dickons

This is absolutely terrifying to me. Wow. PLEASE don't go to any of these people for advice on anything relating to your daughter's adoption, okay? If that is their base assumption then their whole viewpoint is way off base. Come around here more, k? :)