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I'm starting to doubt if we should adopt at all. Between trying to be realistic about the expectations we have of our future kids, and realistic about what we can and cannot handle well, and in light of reading profile after profile on photolistings and seeing catch phrases that set off alarms, I'm wondering if there exist any kids that could actually benefit from what we have to offer.
We have no children. We'd be perfectly happy raising an only child (I see many profiles indicate this desire, but this usually means behavior issues we can't handle), or two siblings.
We have an almost-6yo niece, whom we babysit frequently, and our former foster daughter is 18mo now. This is the age range we can say to have experience with. Although we'd prefer a child at least age 3, and not older than 7.
We are not a very active family (I also noticed lots of profiles seek active families, probably to keep up with the high energy kids). We like to travel, sight-see, go on roadtrips, go out to the movies or to eat, but nothing outdoorsy or theme-park-ish (not me, anyway).
We do value individual interests and would like to homeschool to enable more one-on-one time with our child and allow him or her to follow their passions. We feel equipped to handle learning disabilities, as we don't have high expectations of academic attainment. I'm a PhD candidate and have seen first hand that a college education does not always equal stellar job prospects. I would encourage my kids to go to college, or vocational school, or frankly pursue any hands-on training or follow any special talents not requiring formal education.
I feel we would be an asset to a child who is shy and reserved because I can relate to this personality trait, and my DH has been wonderful in drawing me out and so I'm sure he'll be able to do the same with our kids.
We're a multi-cultural and multi-lingual family. We'd be especially interested in adopting a Hispanic or biracial/Hispanic child (especially one who speaks Spanish), so we can help maintain those roots and linguistic abilities for them.
We have two dogs, and I notice plenty of kids wanting a dog. They're beagles, and great fun. Our niece and FD like to play with them.
Still, I feel like what we have to offer doesn't seem to be what most waiting kids need. What I know we can't handle is defiant behavior, any medical needs other than minor/manageable ones, and more than two kids (which is already pushing it for us).
So... are we just barking up the wrong tree? Should we hang up our hat and love on our niece and former foster daughter and call it a day? Or do we just sign up with an agency, be very clear with our comfort level, and wait it out?
I don't want to bring in a child into our home that we don't feel 100% confident and competent to raise. But I wonder if I'm just beeing too squeemish.
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You are not being squeemish! I applaud you that you for gaining more information on what you are able to handle. I wish that more people would prepare themselves for the roller coaster ride of foster/adopt. When looking at photolistings keep in mind that typically these children are the harder to place children. More then likely these children are not going to fit the profile of a child that you are willing/able to parent. (from what you described) I do believe that there is a child out there that could benefit from your type of parenting. Finding that child is going to take a great worker willing to keep her eyes and ears peeled and to advocate for you. I would just be very clear in what your able to parent but state that you are willing to look over profiles that she may feel are acceptable. The one thing that stands out for me is that your not able to parent a definant child. ALL children are going to be definant at some point so clarifying yourself on this issue is very important. Best of luck in your search for your child.
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Don't give up!! I'm sure there is a child or two out there for you! I second that the kids on the websites are usually the most difficult ones to place. There are lots of kids who never make it onto the websites because they are matched with a waiting family fairly quickly. I'm not sure where you are in the process, but once you finish your homestudy and training, your worker will be able to start looking for a match for you among the kids who aren't on the websites yet. Hang in there -- it is possible!
Thanks for the reassurance. I wish agencies were more forthcoming about stuff like this. I think some are not aware that there are agencies that actively search and match kids and parents. I've had several tell me that they do the homestudy and post-placement, and I tell them which kids to inquire about and they do. But I digress.
DH and I talked about this yesterday, and decided that we can't let cost be the deciding factor in which adoption route to take. We made that mistake when we began our independent adoption journey when we wanted to adopt a newborn. We didn't want to have to pay the agency. We did our own advertising, networking, etc. We connected this way with 4 birth moms, but all fell through. The money was spent, but there was no baby. Luckily we were able to recover most of it through the adoption tax credit. But the unpredictability of both the cost and timing was very stressful.
We thought we could handle it better if we were at least parenting temporarily through foster care, and that was again motivated by cost. But the heartache turned out to be too much for us. We tried, and kudos to those who can stand it.
So I think at this stage we need predictability more than anything else. And only established international programs seem to offer that. Plus, it turns out my DH's age criteria is actually a bit lower than mine, so we have to go with what we're both comfortable with, and again, that's only available in international.
Keep in mind that with international adoption you may not be getting the full picture either. Yes you will be getting a specific age but the rest is well iffy. A relative of mine did infant adoption and was matched with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She continues to be at normal developement. Fastforward to their next adoption through the same agency. Well established agency. They were matched with a beautiful, healthy baby boy that had ONLY a club foot which was repairable. This child is now 5 and has sever needs. He just started to walk. (this was expected) Has huge sensory needs. He is horribly delayed and can't talk. There is a bunch of other stuff as well. I am not saying this to scare you. The reality is that just like if you were to birth a child you just never really know what you are going to get. For every not so perfect situation there are a 100 successful ones. The best part about infant adoption is that you can grow with your child. Learn your childs needs. I am saying all this so that you and your husband can prepare yourselves if that should happen. Best of luck in your adoption journey. It is a rollercoaster no matter what route you decide to take!
o2b30again - oh, I hear ya. I think it is reassuring for us that if our child does end up with more needs than we anticipated, at least if we bring them home at a younger age, like you said, we'll have gotten a chance to grow with them. I know that we're not looking at any less likelihood of the various needs kids have coming from foster care. But they can come home a bit younger and the process is much more predictable. So that's really what's swaying us, not at all that we think there's no chance of health/etc obstacles with international.
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I think you are over thinking it just a bit.:) My kids were 2,3,4 & 5 and did not care if I took them on nature hikes or not, kwim? The stuff you like to do and the types of people you both are - that's true regardless if you adopt or not. Bio children don't necessarily like the same things their parents do either. Kids need love, stability, structure, the chance to heal & thrive, ability to be who they are and raised with the freedom to seek that out. Beyond that, it's icing on the cake.I'm not sure how all the private agencies work but ours actually located our children for us. They received profiles from the state and then using our profile, made possible "matches". Turns out on the 2nd one they nailed it.:) None of our kids were on the USkids site or anything like that, and didn't have a lot of those red flags we talk about. Some, sure. And the first year was hard, don't misunderstand me on that. But we got through it and each year got easier until things are now just "normal", kwim?I think it's normal to doubt ourselves and be anxious about the process. And we have good reason to be anxious! That's why it's important to keep learning, be honest with your expectations & realizations of what you feel you can handle. But don't forget about those joys out there too.:)And lastly...Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be that perfect parent...it doesn't exist! LOL!
If you were NOT doubting yourself- THEN I would worry.
None of us are perfect. I was 25, single, a poor private school teacher, who had a social life that involved wine bars and gay dance clubs (LOL!)- certainly it wasnt certain that I would be the perfect fit for anyone- except that I am because I am COMMITTED.
Thats all kids really need. Commitment. So changes are made, I go to differnt restraunts where I can socailize while she plays. My friend based changed some. I am going out dancing October 2nd- R's first sleepover.
You are going to be great!
Good luck to you. Your post was very helpful to me, thank you so much.
I too feel like my husband and I might have trouble finding a match. We want an older child (8-12 years probably) and felt bad because we checked "will not consider" on so many of the conditions that we honestly didn't think we could handle. Like RAD, I know many kids have it, but it sounded like a nightmare that I didn't want to handle, especially on top of teaching school all day.
I hope it works out for both of us. :-) Take care.
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I wanted to update with our decision, sort of. We have decided to pursue a dual program with a local agency, one for waiting foster kids, and one international which has a really long wait.
We've been talking about all the kids we've interacted with, relatives, friends's kids, neighbors... and one by one we thought - look at their age, and how they are, and wouldn't we adopt him/her after having met them? I guess my main hesitation has been taking the plunge based on paperwork, without the benefit of having met the child.
We will try to locate match events to attend, and are looking into a hosting program that introduces kids to potential adopting families. But in the end, my faith has grown since starting on this journey, and I think to bow out based on fear is a sure way to say "I don't trust God." Only I do, and while I know there are various issues that scare the crap out of us, like some of you said, if we make the commitment, get educated, have support in place, and trust that God won't match us with a child we can't handle, then all that is left is excitement at the possiblities.
Yesterday we attended an orientation for the agency we're most likely going to go with for the dual programs. On our way home, DH was visibly giddy, bouncing around and talking a hundred miles a minute about how applying to both programs is the best thing to do, how we'll handle ages and special needs we now don't think we can handle on a case-by-case basis... I couldn't believe it. Just days earlier I was complaining how he didn't seem at all invested in this process, how I thought I was doing all the research... Lately I've even prayed that I'll go with whatever DH is comfortable with, and take that as a sign. During the orientation, I too was staring at the waiting child posters on the wall, thinking... why am I so afraid of these children? So then seeing DH so excited was the sign and confirmation I needed to proceed.
Tomorrow we're going to an adoption expo (that DH found out about!) to double check if there aren't other agencies that seem an even better match than the one we picked, go to a couple workshops on older child adoption and their grieving process, and send in our applications.
Thank you again for the reassurance. I just reread your responses and again I was surprised like the first time that no one said "yeah, if you don't think you can do it, you probably can't".
I understand what you mean about a younger child growing up with your family as their "norm" as opposed to an older child who might be disappointed for some reason. I know it's silly, but that was a consideration for us in taking 0-5 years. A warning that you will see anger and defiance in most toddlers as they settle into your home. Don't let it scare you off, it's part of adjusting. I would much rather have a firey child than a passive one. Finally, good luck! Sounds like you may have found the perfect program for your family.