Reunion pullback??

What you're going through right now just makes me feel so terribly sad. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could tell you what to do... Is there any possibility that any of your half-siblings had it out with your birth father over his last will? The fact that he is ill makes me wonder if some type of argument over any possible inheritance and his estate came up with them. I have seen families rip each other apart over inheritance issues...in fact, this has happened in my own family this past year. My half-brother set out to intentionally alienate my mother from me, so he could inherit everything when she dies. I was totally stunned a few months ago when she legally disowned me...and my brother achieved his goal. Whatever is going through your birth father's mind right now, it is not about you as a person. I think you may have got caught up in some sort of family dysfunction that existed long before you found each other. I hope you keep posting here. We're all pretty nice people, and although we often don't have all the answers, we're all pretty good listeners. I've made a lot of good friends through this forum, and I'm sure you will too. :loveyou:

Thank you RavenSong. I have followed the posts on this site for years and finally got the nerve to reach out. I just don't think money is the issue-it was never mentioned and I had asked him what would happen if my half siblings did not accept me. He looked truly confused and asked me what that had to do with our relationship, It would make no difference and they would have to accept that I am his daughter and his and their blood.I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles your family went through over money, how heartbreaking for you to be disinherited by your mother. Don't they understand that money means nothing-it's the love that matters. When she is gone and he has his money, I hope he realizes how truly empty and meaningless it is.Thanks so much for your support and wisdom.

Snoopy,it is hard not to feel it was a rejection of me. It takes me back to that first rejection I think. Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? It has to be me....my intelligent head knows better, my heart just isn't there.Thanks for your post and Peachy too-

Ideally, people should keep to their word, but I find that saying things and actually following through and DOING what you say you believe can often prove more difficult for a lot of people. I think this is what is going on with your birth father. It's one thing to say it wouldn't matter what your birth siblings did, but quite another when the actual family dynamics are at play in a real life situation. Something is going on, either some very difficult emotions have come to the surface, or something in the family dynamic has changed, and your birthfather and siblings are too afraid to face it right now. It stinks, for sure, and I can see how you'd feel it inside as a rejection, but this truly is more about them than about you. I know that doesn't help matters, but that's my take on it. Most people have a very hard time confronting difficult things in their life head on. It would be nice to have some sort of explanation, so as not to be wondering what went wrong, but I don't think it's anything you did or didn't do. If your birth dad also has a serious illness to deal with, this may be too much for him to take (and I suspect it has to do with his raised kids for some reason). You left the door open. All you can do now is take care of YOU and focus on yourself. Perhaps this will iron itself out in time, and I am truly sorry you are going through this, especially since it seemed as though your reunion got off to a good start.

Just wanted to add my support, another ear for listening, and a sholder to lean on. Been there. done that too. Not much to add to what the others have said. Wish I could say something to make it easier. I know it is hard, and it hurts. Hang in there, and come back here when you need to talk. We are here for you.

The reunion got off to an unbelievably good start/ I guess that is why it is such a shock. I am becoming resigned there is nothing more I can do but leave it in God's hands. The strange part is that finding my bmom got off to a bad start and we are still in contact. No f2f but emails. I have a half sister on her side that is 36 and has brain, neck and bone cancer. It is so sad and she has more than enough to deal with taking care of her full time. She even said it was too much at one point and I said I understood and if she ever wanted to contact me she knows where to find me. Two days later she did contact me and said she really wants to stay in touch. We take it very slow and mostly I try to be a support to her and just follow her lead. She is a strong and courageous lady. Hopefully we will be able to stay in contact. Thank you all for the support. You are wonderful! It is nice to not feel so alone.

I know (almost) exactly how u feel... the reunion between my birth daughter and I was off to a great start. She found her birth mother 3 years before she found me and moved into my home town (stayed with her birthmother and her husband for a few months..they are very close... my daughter waited 2 years after moving here before contacting me). After our 1st meeting, things were going well. She married about 11 months before meeting me and I thought that her husband and I got along well also....She met my 31 year old Son (I have been married 24 years to a wonderful woman who had a 6 year old boy that I adopted and raised as my own... I told my wife about my daughter BEFORE we decided to marry...24 years ago...hoping that one day, my daughter and I would meet.)I was even attending her "BootCamp" workout classes just to see her (she is a Personal Trainer...we do share a love for fitness and athletics)....After a few months...she pulled back a little and then finally told me that her birthmothers' husband "left" her birthmother and was filing for divorce... (My birth daughters' adopted parents also divorced when she was in high school...)...One day my daughter ask me what I thought about her birth mom coming to the Bootcamp classes (Her b-mom worked as a Yoga instructor at the same gym at one time..) . I said "That would be just fine with me... I'm there to see you... (Her Birth Mother's parents force her into adopting out and threatened to charge me with statutory rape at the time my daughter was conceived... I was 20 years old and the mother was 17.... like an idiot I never told my parents until it was too late...even though my mom tried to help me get my daughter back then).When I told my wife about this... She Said... "your are there to see "our" new daughter so it's not a problem with me...(Told ya !! my wife is a special lady)...On our 1st anniversary, i wrote my daughter a letter telling her how I loved her and how awesome the past year had been for me.... her replay..."You can't love me...you don't even know me... I bet your wife doesn't even know that my mom is coming to class....please STOP coming to class as it is too emotionally draining for me.... maybe we can have just a relationship via email/ facebook....I have emailed her a couple of time in the last 6 months and she has responded with one liners...like "Thanks" and "all is well here"...I have seen pictures where she has been on vacations with her Birth Mom and also lots of Family events with her B-moms family...It Kills me that she has cut me out of her life....I have never really told my daughter (out of respect for her and her Bmom's relationship) the full story from my point of view about her adoption....as i do not want to cause any issues.....but now I wonder of this was a mistake....Does she know.... I was threatened...Does she know that her mother "aborted" her 1st pregnancy..(I was the father of that child also... and i am riddled with guilt by all of this...)OR... Should I just place all of this in God's hands and walk away... My wife and son are furious at her for the way she has treated me.......I feel you pain !!

Kevster,I am so sorry for your pain. There just are no easy answers. I know for me, I have to let it go and trust there is a reason or a message behind my failed reunion. I also know I cannot control anyone's reactions except my own. So I give it to God and trust in my weak moments when I think it was me and that I should have known this would happen, that I am luckier than many and I got to meet him. Maybe that is all I will ever get and so be it. It is still worth it to have opened my heart. I wish you the best.

Shadow riderer,Do you mind me asking, what happened with your reunion? You said you have been there, done that? Thank you for the listening ear. I appreciate that.

Kevster, I sincerely hope you are not serious about telling your daughter about her natural mother having an abortion when she was a teenager. Are you trying to drive a wedge into their relationship? Personally, I don't think the abortion is something your daughter should have to be concerned about. In fact, it could easily result in her pulling even further away from you. Pullback in reunion is extremely common, both for adoptees and birth parents. I doubt that your daughter is pulling back just because she wants to hurt you or because she's mad at you. She probably doesn't even know why she's doing it. I'm sorry to hear that your wife is furious with your daughter. Maybe she should read up on the complexities of post-reunion relationships. It might help her deal with her own emotions. It might help you too...

Thanks for your advice. I have had only positive things to say about my daughters' birthmother to her. I will NEVER do anything to hurt the relationship they have... like I said, i have told my daughter to trust in her B-Moms account of circumstances around her birth. During the bootcamp classes that her Bmom attended, we had very pleasant conversations....I guess I'm just a little jealous of the relationship they have versus the lack of one i have with her. as for my wife and son....they are very protective of me and have seen the pain i have experience....as of right now.... I facebook message my daughter about once a month just to see how she is doing...no reply the last message...but I guess i'll just keep reminding her that I here if she ever changes her mind...

Kevster, I agree with what Raven said. And, as a birth-daughter in reunion with my father, the line you mentioned where you say your daughter said you can't love her, you don't even know her - I was curious to if/how you responded to that? I think addressing that properly could be sort of crucial to building a relationship down the road. I know for me, my birth-mother really fell apart over my reunion with my birth-father. They had some limited contact which was cordial, and she characterized that to me as him flirting with her, wanting her back, and not being interested in me except to get info about her... Very confusing for me. I could see where the exercise class would be very stressful for your daughter with both of you in it. If I was in your daughter's shoes, in regards to asking you to stop the class, I would have wanted to hear: "I am very sorry that my presence there was contributing stress for you. I would never want to make things difficult for you or your mom. I did enjoy attending as a way to see you and try to get to know you a little better. I would really like if maybe we could set up something else, regular, just the two of us where we could continue working on getting to know each other. Would you be up for meeting me for breakfast once a month?" Or something like that... Also, if your wife is supportive as you say and you're daughter seems to have doubts about that, why don't you invite her to things you and your wife are doing so she can get to know you together some? Like a local festival, live music, dinner party, etc. It never hurts to put out an invite, even when you get told no a few times. Just keep offering opportunities for contact until she is ready. As for her statement about you not knowing her enough to love her, I could relate to that feeling early in my reunion. I would have wanted a reply that assured me my father loved me like he loved all his children from the time they were born and that he thought of me a lot over the years we were apart. That would have been a good opportunity to maybe share some of the things you felt about her after her birth and during her relinquishment (not things her mom did or things you felt about her mom). And, then I would have wanted assurance that he was happy we reunited, was committed to being around permanently going forward, and wanted to get to know me as the adult I had come to be. I strongly suggest reading a few reunion books if you haven't yet. It's easy for an adoptee to feel pulled apart and emotionally drained during reunion. I think you will have the best success with your daughter in the long run if you assure her that you are mature enough to handle whatever feelings come up and patient enough to be there for her through whatever happens. Some of the things you mentioned you could tell her about her b-mother basically convey that you want to tell her you feel at times maybe you have been the better person. You can never tell someone you are or have been the better person. If it's true, you show it by being that better person over and over, consistently over as long as it takes for your daughter to see it herself. Best wishes, Snoopy

Snoopy,Thanks so much for the advice... to answer some of your questions.... My response to her statement about loving her....I said "I have loved you since the day you were born and everyday since...... She asked me why her adoption was not finalized until she was 2 years old...I have been somewhat vague about the answer to that...as i do not want to portray her b-mom in any negative way at all...The truth is that I attempted to get her back then but was unsuccessful....As for the BootCamp classes... I told her that "I am very sorry that I have placed you in such an awkward situation...especially at your place of employment. I guess I was just over zealous about establishing a relationship with you..."My wife has said to me that she is just HeartBroken over this...as I am the only father her/our son has ever known... it is very important that this relationship grows and is successful. My wife has also asked the we do some things with my daughter together... I think that my daughter may be hesitant about this... out of loyalty to her Amom and Bmom...very understandable...My side of the family is very much looking forward to meeting and establishing a relationship my daughter one day...Our son who is now married and expecting his 1st child doesn't understand how my daughter could go to the trouble to find me and then isolate me....I don't know how my son presence influences this but i am sure it does... They have met once and both seemed to be very comfortable around and got along very well...I want to say that my daughters' b-mom is a very good person.... she was 17 at the time my daughter was born. Also my daughters' bmom does not have any other kids (my daughter grew up as an only child... )She is from a family that were both affluent and well known in our community. They basically sent her off to another part of the state to carry and deliver my daughter... then they told me that they told me to NEVER try to see their daughter again or i would be arrested....My daughter is now very close to her Bmom's family...so I guess I am a little jealous of that and maybe i'm just seeking some sort of justice....but I'm trying not to allow my selfishness to interfere with my daughters' relationships...My daughters' adopted mother also live in my community now and also has a very close relationship with the Bmom and her family and has been since they all met 6 years ago (they have all known each other for 6 years).... it all has worked out very positively for everyone...except me...I will continue to email/ facebook my daughter once a month or so.."just to check in" and continue to ask to go to lunch or something (she works less that 3 miles from my office) sometime...thanks again for all of the great advice....

Looking for an answer too. I am a few months into my reunion with 28 yo son. We fell in love almost at first site and he initiated much contact. We have spent lots of time together and he has spent time with my kids (in their 20's) and really gets on well with my husband. Problem? He has suddenly stopped much of our contact via email, phone calls and especially texts. He always texted me every hour throughout the day and professed his undying love. I tried to keep the momentum from getting out of hand but got caught up in it myself after a few weeks. What happened!!! I am feeling like such a jerk for letting my very private life get invaded and now being semi-dismissed. He insisted that we bowl together and my other son reluctantly agreed to be on the team too. We have fun with it every other week but now it just seems awkward and I feel like quitting the team and telling him to get lost. If my other kids knew this they would want me to do just that. I love him so much that I am keeping it to myself and trying to stay in contact. I text him in the morning to say hello and sometimes at night to say good night. When he responds it is usually a curt one or two word line. He acts like nothing is wrong when I ask him about it and like all is well at bowling. Is this a test?? I feel like I am going crazy.

After posting my rant I realized that I am trying too hard with the poor guy. He has a life and says he is very comfortable with our relationship and secure with me loving him and even calling him my son. Why would he mislead me, why don't I believe him? My other kids don't constantly reassure me and I don't do that with my mom either so why should I expect him to do it? It was hard for me when the honeymoon suddenly ended and I thought he was starting to hate me or something especially when he started getting to know his bfather. It all happened at the same time and freaked me out. My plan (today) is to let him be the leader and if he wants to see me or talk I trust he will let me know. I was lucky to have such a beautiful, loving, and supportive child (man) walk into my life and I only want him to be happy now. It kills me everyday to know that he always wanted me and never got along with his adoptive mom. I wish i could find her and choke her for hurting my boy and misleading me and the agency all those years ago. She sounds like she didn't even like being a mother. I hate the agency and even my mother sometimes for pressuring me so hard to give away my precious baby when he would have been better off with me after all. BTW does anyone else find it hard not to touch and hug your child all the time? It is hard to not embarass him with PDA's.