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Let me preface by saying our situation is rather unique but I still value the opinions of those who have insight about adoption.
We have two kids, dd6 and ds4 and we currently fully sponsor(we pay for his food, education, personal items, and medical) a 10 year old orphan boy from Sierra Leone Africa. At the moment the country is closed to international adoptions but there is much talk they will reopen very soon. We have sponsored him for nearly a year when he was brought to the orphanage from his grandmother's house who raised him since infancy. We send letters, pictures and get many update pictures of him, letters from him, and tomorrow we are going to get to video skype talk with him for the first time!! We are hoping to be able to go next year to see him.
My husband and I have been burdened for Joseph and seriously love him. He is very much a part of our family even so far apart. With talks about opening adoptions up we are thinking about pursuing adopting him.
But he is significantly older than our kids and I know there are many who say never adopt children older than your own. I know statistics...I guess I just want to know if you would pursue the adoption anyway.
He had a pretty traumatic life as a baby losing both parents to the civil war, being raised by his grandmother who couldn't take care of him anymore, and all that. I don't know all the specifics but the orphanage has been pretty open about his past with us.
Does this even sound reasonable? I know older child adoption is frowned upon if the child is older than bio children but we also want to be obedient to the Lord. We want to be within His will for our family.
Anway I'd appreciate your thoughts.
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I think it is possible to adopt a child that is significantly older than your bkids and have it work. I also think that weekly in-home family therapy is wonderful during transitioning.
The first child we had placed with us is almost 2 years younger than our youngest bkid. The issues we are having with them and their relationship do not have to do with who is older or younger but more about the fact that there is just under 2 years difference in age and they are only 1 year apart in school - so its just too close for them. It would be better if there were 3 or 4 years between them. I think with the age difference you described it may be just fine.
We talked and talked about adoption and what it would mean to have another child in our home with our kids for months before Big M moved-in. I am sure that helped too.
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I think it's doable if you are very, very careful. You don't know what he has been through in the orphanage and what kind of behavior is normal to him. If older kids did things to him, he may do things to younger kids. You will have to be careful not to leave them alone until you trust him. You will need to watch your children for signs of stress.
We did adopt a child older than our bio kids (9 months older than our then oldest) and it has turned out just fine. However I will be honest that the first several months were very hard on everyone, especially our oldest bio son.
We planned on keeping the birth order, however when it was discovered the 3 year old we were adopting had an older brother, we knew he was meant to be part of our family as well. We approached it very cautiously and I was very nervous. There were some behavior issues (and still are a few) as you should expect with an older child adoption, however, he is very much integrated into our family.
Obviously, every story is different, and you can't predict how this child will do in your home. The hard thing with international adoption (our children are also from Africa) is you don't really have a way to assess the child's behavior before bringing him home forever. It really is just a leap of faith. But I believe with faith, and hard work and a lot of careful consideration (to protect the younger children in case of dangerous behaviors) that it can be done successfully. Good luck with your decision!
We adopted older. At the time the Bios were 4 and 6. Adoptees were 9 and 10. Interestingly, though, the adoptees were so far behind in their maturity, we placed them at about 3 and 4. It is a lot of work to have 4 boys in the 3-6 range! It created some interesting birth order issues but it all worked out. Our older bio has managed to hold his place as the alpha male. The older adoptee was emotionally repressed by his RAD brother and displayed almost no personality of his own. The 9 year old RADlet was the challenger for dominance but he ultimately lost the chance because he lost privileges due to his behavior problems. 2 years into it, privileges are gradually being restored but it is a slow process and it will be a long time before he is allowed to do anything that even hints at being a power play for dominance. He will probably never have the chance at dominating. Birth order was not maintained, but the pecking order was.
We don't have any concerns over the risk sexual abuse on the younger bios by the older adoptees. We've had no hint of problems. Our level of supervision generally prevents the possibility. We have comprehensive video surveillance and a fancy burglar alarm system that includes relevant interior doors. The fact that the older bio is dominant also helps reduce the risk and the adoptees don't have any known SA in their past.
I thank each of you for responding candidly about your experiences. I had posted somewhere else and got a very horrendous reaction and most people were telling me no way and going on and on about all the bad experiences they had witnessed. I was beginning to think no good comes from it. It is nice to see that with hard work, you can make it work out. We still have much praying to do. I like to see the wide range of situations because it helps us consider with eyes wide open. Bless you all!
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I believe it is very wise of you to do all your research and go in with eyes wide open. Only you can know what is right for your family and what you are capable of handling. Knowing the reasons why these situations are generally advised against is important, but it's not necessarily a deal-breaker. Be prepared for the worst, and if you have a plan to handle that, it will likely be much better than you expect!
It also sounds like you may have an opportunity to meet this boy and get to know him a bit before you proceed toward potentially adopting him. This should help you know a little more what you can expect...although sometimes kids are very good at hiding their worst behavior until they are more comfortable around you, so you should still be prepared. I think it sounds like this has wonderful potential!
I also believe that God will not ask more of you than you can handle, and if you are praying and feel led toward this, then there is probably a very good reason for that!
I think two things will make a difference in your bringing in Joseph if you do. #2 first, he is from another country. I'm not certain of this, but I feel his entitlement issues may be less. And #1, if it's God's will, who can fight that. If He is on your side, you know it's going to be OK!
I'm glad Joseph has your family.