Is contact with bio family a good idea?

It is hard to give advice not knowing the age of your kids, how long they have been with you, and the reasons they are not with the bparents. In general, I have seen a lot of good come from having contact with our kids bfamily. Our older 2 are not able to be in contact with their bparents but see the grandparents and brother. I would never expose them to the bparents because it would be disasterous. If you do have contact, I would suggest a private conversation with each bparent BEFORE putting your kids in that position. There need to be clear boundaries and the bparents may not even know what is appropriate to say. We have insisted that we be referred to as mom and dad. We have asked them not to bring gifts to visits (only bdays and christmas) and we refuse to discuss our personal parenting style/decisions. They do not discipline. They do not make promises they can't keep and they do not make the bparents out to be something they are not. Works for us! It has 100% made this transition easier on our kids. It is worth the hassle and I know they will appreciate it when they are grown. If you are worried about phone contact or this is a new thing (sounds like it is) Maybe you could start with letters and pictures. Letters from bfamily can be prescreened and would give you an idea if bmom is going to say crazy things or not! It would also give you an idea of how consistent they are going to be. A visit can be selfish on their part, immeadiate gradification type of thing, but sitting down writing a letter or email is usually a gesture that they just want a realtionship with the child in any form it comes. If that makes sense?? The way I have always looked at it is this: My kids have lost a lot. By keeping in touch with the grands and brother I have minimized their loss as much as possible. I would hate it if they had to loose all connection to their birth family. I would only do that if it became really unhealthy for them or threatened our family unit.

Ditto myForever Kids3. You need to establish the boundaries before any contact is made so there are no oops moments or you have to cease contact because something was said or done that you didn't like. Make a paper contract that can be read by all parties, so there are no misunderstandings. Be specific about what is not allowed and what the consequences are for defying the contract. I suggest going slowly at first. A phone call on a birthday might be a little over whelming as a first contact in some time. It can be a highly emotionally charged event for them both.ETA: our 3 yr old was adopted through foster care and we have an open adoption with the parents because they are safe, but it started very slowly and now we have visits.

Thanks for the input. They are 7 and 5. I am only considering it because the oldest has asked. They came to us as temporary foster kids, but the parents had/have drug problems and could not get clean to take care of them. The oldest was just under two when they first came to us and the process with visitation and all lasted about 1.5 years. After that we finalized adoption and they have had little to no contact since..

Such great advice. We have a relative adoption that we are closing down for now. Our ds had a hard time with just letters and occasional phone calls. I think part of the problem was that they were so inconsistent. I especially support the idea of not having contact on a special day like birthday. Let the child enjoy their day. If you open contact, maybe start with a short letter or card from bparents, show them a picture of them. Work your way up to a visit in a neutral location like a park so the children are not trapped like in a restaurant booth. I'd stay away from noisy places like a video game arcade--not being able to talk will be frustrating to the adults, and the noise raises the anxiety level for the kids. Hugs to you, OP, for considering this for your children. They will thank you for it as young adults--and know how much you love them because you did this for them.

Any idea what made your oldest ask about seeing his birthparents? What was your response? I am wondering if seeing pictures and getting a letter would meet whatever need he is having? At one point (about a year after TPR) my DD asked why she wasn't having visits anymore. When I got to the bottom of it, she was thinking that maybe her bmom was dead or something, so sad. I was able to reassure her that her birth parents were alive but that we wouldn't be seeing them in person. I told her she could send a letter to her and she said no she didn't want to. SO, what she really wanted was just to know that her birth parents were ok. The sad truth is, there is a very good possibility that I may have to tell my kids one day that their bparents ARE dead. I did promise both of my kids that I would tell them if something bad ever happened.

Be very careful in your choice of where to have the visit. Make sure that they do not have a chance to get alone with the children. A park can be a place where it is easy for them to talk alone with the kids. We had our first visit at a Mc D's play place. Worked out great because they couldn't go in the play area with her alone (no adults alowed in the play area)and we didn't have to follow her all evening. Also keep it short because it can be very draining for the kiddos. Going out for icecream can also be a great first visit. Short and sweet:))

I would suggest that you establish firm boundaries-length of visit, location, what is appropriate to discuss, what the kids call the bio-parents and whatever else may be a priority to you as the parents. Also, think about what you will do if the bio-parents don't follow your guidelines. There are many emotions involved in restarting visitation and I would suggest going slowly. If your children see any therapists, you may want to discuss what emotional impact restarting visits and phonecalls may have on your children. Good Luck!

We have just opened our adoption with birthDad and his extended family over the past 1.5yr. It has been a huge success for our daughter and our family...you can click on my name to read my posts about it. What worked well for us was speaking to some of the extended family first to make sure that BDad was in a good place emotionally before we even introduced the idea. We met with the Grampa a few times - there is a younger sibling that we also wanted contact with and Grampa brought her over to us. Then just my husband and I met with BDad for about an hour and got a sense of where he was at. I then met with him a couple more times returning little sister to him. Then we finally had a get together at a restaurant with our daughter and him. She was 11. The most amazing part has been how wells he is doing since we have been visiting. She has bonded way more with my hubby, has developed self confidence, is cheerful and just happier. We have developed a very close relationship with BDad and he is now a part of our extended family and we are a part of his extended family. For us it was the best choice we could have made and we do not regret a minute of it. Go Slow....talk to as many people as you can, do not give too much information at once, be clear you are not making any promises and see how it develops. Wish you all the best.

That sounds so beautiful Sunshinemama. I hope for the same thing someday.

If you can, assess the "maturity" level of bio parent(s). I adopted mine from foster care. My 2 oldest had open adoption with bio mom. P, who is now 15, came home at 11. L, who I got at 6, is now 12. Bio mom has called for L's bd and for other things but has yet to call P for his bd. I then had to stop openness.

One option you might consider is [url=http://www.tiestome.com]TiesToMe - A unique social network designed to bring birth families and adoptive families together after placement.[/url]. This site would allow you to monitor the shared information and allow the separate birth family members to be involved. It is similar to other social sites, only it is set up to be specifically for private in order to sharing pictures and letters only with your children's special tie.