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My sister-in-law passed away in a car accident about a month ago. She was a single mom to her almost 4 year old son, William. My fiance and I have been taking care of William since his mom's death, and a week ago we were awarded legal guardianship of William. William's biological father (my SIL's ex-husband) has not been a part of his son's life in over 2 years and has a history of domestic violence and substance abuse, which lead the judge to rule that giving William's BF custody was not in his best interest.
William has been with us now for about a month, and is doing very well. He is happy and acting pretty normal in general. I think he is transitioning as well as can be expected. He has times where he is more emotional, clingy, or angry, and his binkie-use has increased, but I think all that is normal and to be expected.
But recently he has started calling me "mom" and my fiance "dad." I want William to feel as though he truly belongs in our family and is just as much our child as our other children (we have a 2 year old daughter and a son due in 3 weeks). Is it okay for William to be calling us "mommy" and "daddy?" Is this normal? Now that we DO have legal custody, is it okay to refer to him as my daughter's brother?
I don't want to try and replace his mother. He is old enough to know and remember her, and I want him to hold onto those memories (he will be 4 years old in December). But I also want him to feel like a normal kid with normal parents and a normal family. Right now the assumption is that he will be living with us and a part of our family up until he is 18 years old, or until his father really gets his act together and can prove to the court that he is a sober and fit parent (right now he is far from that). I don't want there to be division between "my kids" and "my nephew." William deserves to feel as though he belongs and is just as loved.
I guess I'm just looking for input/stories/advice from other parents who have maybe been in similar situations.
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I have a friend in the same situation (she adopted her nephew after her brother died) and her son was 4 when she came. He is fully "her son" today and yes, he too deserves to have a mom and a dad and to know he is part of the family. I think it is just fine -- he doesnt have to forget his other mom to love you and I think you are on the right path. It might be awkward for the extended family ... but if you are comfortable in explaining it to him and them ... it is for the best.
Jen
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myangels
I think it's to soon after the death of mom. My husbands brother died and Mom had his neice calling her boy friend dad with in a month or two and that was very hurtful to the family and confusing to his brothers child.
I totally agree -- if this is HIS lead you are doing the right thing. He is feelign comfortable, you are not minimizing his feelings of grief and loss, you are enfolding him into your family so he has security and safety. Everything is on the right path to make the best of a very very difficult situation -- yes it might be hard for extended family to hear him, but hopefully they understand that is their own grief and not an issue for him to bear.
I think it's absolutely possible to do both at the same time: honor your sister's memory and her eternal place in his life, and allow this child the full security of knowing he has "mommy" and "daddy" right there taking care of him. She was his mom for the first 3 1/2 years of his life and gave him many things that will be with him for his entire life.
My son, whom I adopted through stepparent adoption, could NOT wait to call me "Mommy" from the moment he knew in his little heart that that's what I was going to be for him. We asked him to wait until we were married to call me that and let me tell you, that kid was bursting at the seams to say "MOMMY!" when we had been married for about 1 second. Many would say that was too soon. But his heart NEEDED a "mommy", a lap he could be in that was "mommy's", and shoulder to fall asleep on that was "mommy's" - not my-stepmom's-who-I might-gradually-come-to-recognize-as-my-mom.
It was his security-making for himself. To be claiming me as his mommy, and together with daddy, he felt secure with two present parents- and I was not one tiny bit less important to him or less his parent for not having been from his birth. To him, it made no difference because he needed me NOW- right then, right away- not at some possible future point.
The armchair child-psychologist in me is saying that he's saying that, because he needs, or recognizes, that you are and will be that for him. That you are his parents, not my-custodial-aunt-and-uncle. He needs a mommy and a daddy. I'm glad you're there for him. I think that does honor to your sister and does not degrade her memory.
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This is such a hard topic, but I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by taking his lead. If he's comfortable calling you both Mom and Dad for now, that's great.
My DH and I are adopting my nephew and my sister is still with us. While he immediately took to calling my DH "Dad" (he never knew his BF, and has always wanted a Dad) we're still working out what he's going to call me. His therapist said to let him work it out on his own and we've told him it's okay that he calls us Aunt and Uncle or Mom and Dad or whatever he feels comfortable with. In the middle of the night after a bad dream I'm mommy or Aunt Gessa (what he called me when he was a babe) but most of the time Jess or Jesse still and that's okay. I think the hardest thing for him is what to call his BM. She's pretty much abandoned him, and only calls occationally. We have two family members with the same first name (family name passed on through the generations) and last week he called her "Aunt So-and-so #2". That did not go over well.
Either way, you have to let him show you when and how he's comfortable with certain things, bless you and your fiance for being there for him!
My Sons Father is still with us and sees my son a couple of times a week, he's almost 5,
But when he was just about to turn 2 his father disappeared for a while.
My DS started calling my now Husband "Daddy", I guess in his little heart he felt secure that Chris was always there when he needed him, he somehow knew that he wasn't going to leave for 2 months see him for a weekend and then disappear for a while again.
I let him make that choice and when i tried to correct him and say "no baby thats Fur"
He started calling him Daddy Fur.
I'm not going to correct my child in something that they take ownership in, especially if in his heart thats what he feels, even if it hurts his dads feelings sometimes, I hope my little story may help a bit