Becoming Foster parents after years of infertility

We do have one bio child and now we have another adopted through foster care. I'm a real "carpe diem" kind of person. I don't dwell on the past or things I can't change. I choose to live for the now and tomorrow and live for the best, so the getting over infertility wasn't so hard for me. It just is what it is, but everytime I read a story about a baby in a trash can, a baby born addicted to drugs, a foster child with broken bones, etc, it does make my teeth itch. For a split second I want to scream at them WT????. I joking say that on my top 10 questions for God list, the number one question is why those people can have children and I can't. It is also number 2-10. :D

My situation is a little different than yours, since I've never carried a baby to term. I grieve the loss of pregnancy as more of an unknown. When we adopted DD, we started the process a month after our last IVF failed. I know I didn't fully grieve the losses of what wouldn't be, but I also knew I was ready to move on. It sounds like that is how you feel as well. The wounds of infertility are always there. They hover somewhere just below the surface and occasionally they erupt. It doesn't mean that you can't take a different path and be happy. I no longer desire to be pregnant. I desire more children. For me going through the process helped me deal with the feelings I had. If I hadn't moved onto new dreams for our family I'd likely still be in that same icky place. Adopting gave me a new focus and passion. I hope you find the same to be true.

Each pearson deals with things in there on way. I have never been pregnant. My husband and I did infertility for a little over 5 years. I came to tearms early on, I was told when I was 20 that I would most likely never have my own child, but we tryed. Now after starting that at an early age, we are 13 years later and trying to adopt through foster care. We feel there was another path for us. We started almost 7mts ago, and I don't look back. I am happy with the things I got to do by not coming a mom in my 20's and I can't wait to see what the rest of my 30's bring and my 40's. I don't feel that I am missing out on anything, we have the chose to make our lifes happy by looking a head. Look at this way, you got to know what it is like to have your bio child, now you get the other side of things and get to help a child out and show them the love that is in this life we get the privilege of living. keep your head up. :flower:

I felt like you when we began this process. Luckily, for me, the process has been so loooong, that I have finally arrived at a place where, most days; it is what it is. For awhile we gave up trying for a bio. We have been waiting almost a year for a placement, and could wait another year. So, we are giving a bio. another shot this month. If they called me tomorrow, with a placement, I would say YES (and ditch trying). I don't care how a child comes into our lives. I just want to love and raise a child with my husband. Sorry for rambling too. To answer your question, only you know what kind of person you are and what you can handle. People need different amounts of time to grieve. Going through the whole process to fost-adopt helped me get to where I am.

My DH & I have been TTC for almost 11 years. Failed IVF, lost twins.... it's been a rough road. I have all this love to give and empty arms. I had to grieve to get to the point where I am ready to move forward. I am SO ready to be a Mom. And blood doesn't make you a family. A year ago I wasn't ready to adopt. But I am now. We don't have a child in our home yet, but will! We are hoping to start with infants and then school age children later. I don't know if the desire to carry a bio child will ever go away. But I do have hope now that I am going to be a Mom. And really that is my heart's desire. You do need to allow yourself time to grieve. You are experiencing a loss. And you will always grieve that loss. You will just learn to live through it. Really I think infertillty will make us better parents. Because we truly understand the desire to be parents. The blessing children are. We work so hard for them and understand how precious they are.

I've come to the conclusion that the feelings of loss and grief I feel due to my infertility and having never been pregnant will always be with me. These feelings are very similar to the way I have feelings of loss and grief for the death of my father six years ago. I will always miss my dad and I will always grieve the loss of not having my own children, but I would never give up what I have now! My husband and I have had the privilege of sharing our hearts with 24 children (both regular foster and respite) over the past 15 months. I have been able to work with families and demonstrate care for them in a way I never would have been able to if I'd had my own children. It is a very personal decision...to foster to adopt...but for me it was the right decision. Even when the grief of not having my own overwhelms me at times, I'm at peace with the path my life has taken. Just a personal testimonial as you possibly look down the same path.

Thank you everyone for your response. It makes me feel better to know that these feelings are normal. I am glad we are pursing the foster adopt and I think I will be less nervous after our 1st placement and have a child to love on.

Daveswife-Oh the situation is so familiar. We are having our final home visit today, we have one bio daughter conceived via IVF. I have done A LOT of soul searching during this process. I know, both in real life, and on a support forum many women who have been through infertility. In my opinion they go one of three ways with dealing with their feelings. For me I feel like God has touched my heart and I feel like this is what our family was 'made' to do. I just had sort of a lightbulb moment where it was like flipping a switch and I came to accept it and feel so much better, I believe for me this was only possible through prayer. For me those people you see that dont appreciate or take good enough care of their kids are my FAMILY :hissy: three of my siblings have children that are kept out of 'the system' by a hair and help from grandparents intervention and they continue to have children. I have two nieces and nephews on the 'way'. Before, when I was trying to conceive and before I became a Christian this would have thrown me into a bitter tailspin of frustration. I was actually able to go into babies r us yesterday and buy a shower gift for my brothers girlfriend with only twinges of 'why oh why' and still came out happy and "ok". The other part that has really helped me in this journey is to realize just HOW MUCH we love our daughter. We are a very loving family, we appreciate so much what we have. Not to toot our own horns but going through this journey, this training, and hearing from our friends and family have made me realize just how good of parents we really are :cheer: and how blessed we really are. I find myself now able to focus on that. I can tell you for sure that my siblings dont have that depth of feeling for their children. Like many things in life the harder you have to work to 'earn' something the more you appreciate it. Finally, I have also noticed even another level of change now that we have gotten the room ready. For me, involving my daughter, decorating the room, picking out items made it all seem real and kind of just finalized my feelings. We will gladly foster and then hopefully adopt knowing that we will love that child endlessly. I have rambled on enough, please dont take this as 'preachy' if you aren't religious I definately think you can get there other ways, this is just my story. I am super talkative in real life so sorry this is so long!

My husband and i also are dealing with infertility. Weve been told ivf is our only option and had started saving for ivf but we were also thinking about fostering and adopting before we found our about our infertility and have now decided to pursue it and put ivf on the back burner (im only 23 so we have time). The night we decided to start the foster care process i did have a teary moment thinking i would never have a baby that has my husbands blue eyes, curly hair and freckles but then decided that biology and genetics doesnt always make a family. Now im worried about how this will come off in a homestudy interview. Ive heard some places give infertile couples a hard time and ask if they are doing it for the right reasons or if they are just desperate for a child. What did you all say in your interviews?

People who are motivated by desperation often go into the adoption experience looking for the most expedient way to get a child and not for the child that is the best fit for their family because that may take significantly longer. This can only lead to problems down the road for the whole family when the issues become too big or difficult to manage. The best thing is to be honest with yourself about your motivations and about what is important to you. I have friends who recently adopted privately because they wanted the infant they might have had had they been able to get pregnant on their own. That is, they wanted a caucasian infant whose mother didn't drink, smoke or take drugs during the pregnancy. I have other friends who adopted from China because they preferred not to deal with any potential birthparent issues. And we are looking to foster care because we feel an older child is a better fit for our family for a number of reasons. None of us are more right than the others in our motivations; we're each doing what works for our families. There is no right thing to say in your interviews outside of what you feel is right for you. If you're anything other than honest, you're doing yourself and your (future) child a disservice. Best of luck to you in your journey!

You are right that they will ask you about infertility. My SW wanted to make sure we had grieved our infertility. They wouldn't have considered us otherwise. They told us so many people go into foster adopt hoping for a "perfect" baby. Well that doesn't exist no matter how you have a child. But with foster adopt it is so different than private adoption. They want to make sure you are in it for the long haul and know that this child is in your care because of neglect, drugs, etc, and the first goal is RU. So lots of heartache. And if you haven't grieved your loss of infertility, it will be harder to grieve the loss of a child due to RU. Our state requires people to go through grief counseling before being approved. We went through it before even starting the process. We lost twins this time last year, and my brother a few months ago. So for me I know I wasn't ready before the counseling no matter how much I wanted a baby in my arms. As a PP said, be honest with them and yourself. You want to be sure you are ready.

My husband and i have cried over our infertility but we feel so much stronger as a couple now. We talked about fostering and or adopting before we discoveredwe were infertile so it been in our thoughtsfor quite a while. We just want to provide a safe and loving home for babies and toddlers foras long as they may need it. I wasjustnervous because ive been hearing of some agencies or countys making infertile couple do crazythings like go on birth control pills and such. Sorry my space bar isnt working to well. Thanks for the advice

Hi- I'm a little late to weigh in on this, but I just wanted to let you know that we really had very few issues with infertility when we were becoming foster parents. We were honest about the fact that it was a large part of our motivation. We were never asked if we had stopped all treatments- although we never went very far down the treatment road, and we did discuss in our homestudy that we chose not to pursue infertility treatment beyond a certain point. We talked some about why we had decided to not pursue treatment, and how infertility felt like a loss- but it was not a huge focus of the discussion. Even with having a fs in our home, I still don't attend baby showers and I avoid pregnancy talk--- doing foster care does not "cure" the emotions of infertility.

I feel your pain. I haven't read through all the posts so if you've posted an update, I'm sorry for not addressing it. I just wanted to say that I grieved the loss of the dreams of feeling a baby kick me from the inside and giving birth to one that was half me and half DH, UNTIL I held my cousin's baby (possible FD/AD) and I felt like I held my daughter for the first time. Who knows what the future will hold but for now, I love every minute I get to spend with that sweet baby and look forward to the day she (hopefully) comes home forever!