What do adoptees call birth parent when talking to birth sibling?

Thanks Senyah, it is good to know that time will help with all this name stuff. As for your own situation, I hope things sort themselves out. Btw I am sure they don't think of you as a complication. However, your sister may not really understand the complication of adoption, i.e. I do wonder whether she may feel that you didn't love your bmum as much as she did because you also have an amum - not realising that it is possible for you to love both your mothers dearly. She may even be a bit jealous that you still have another mum who is alive when the only mum she had is gone. She may not realise that it isn't easy for you either, that you have also lost someone you loved dearly yet the outside world will never understand your grief as much as hers.

Senyah, I do pray and hope that feelings will soften and your relationship is brought closer! Your dad seems like a wonderful loving man! Cath, Thank you for asking and there are times that I wonder about my mom, actually more often than I realize now that I think about it. From what I have been told, she never layed eyes on me and I don't know if that is because she knew she was going to give me away and because she was so ill... I do know that I am a lot like her in being fearful of certain things... I am 39 and just got my driver's licence at 38... She never drove at all. I haven't asked my dad much about her as I want to get to know him more. Normally I call him, but today, he beat me to the phone call! :) I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!! :love:

Daughterof4 I can understand you wanting to concentrate on your relationship with your bfather. I think I read somewhere that your bstepmother is a lovely person as well so that is great. Btw my own bmother never learnt to drive either. I think my uncle tried to teach her but gave up LOL. She lived quite close to other members of her family for quite a bit of her life so there was always a brother (or boyfriend) to drive her around. I can drive but chose not to where I live now and I would have to resit test. Congratulations though on passing your own test. We don't have Thanksgiving here in Australia but hope you had a nice one yourself. Senyah, I will be thinking of you and your sister and hope you do get to talk to your sister soon.

Yes, it is true what you say about the outside world not understanding my grief. It has been the most painful experience in my life so far... and you're right, my sister will probably not understand how strongly I felt. My loss was also to do with actually never having her as my mum in the normal way, which has caused me to think very deeply about my adoption. Who I am, what I am, where do I belong... Something I had not given much thought to before. My sister was very close to our Mother, and I do know where I stand with the fact that our Mother was completely a mum to her and not me, although she was not a typical mummsy mum, more a big sister type, fun and vivacious.. My relationship was different with b-mum, but not too much, and I had been very close to her in the past and for many years. (We were very similar characters, same traits and looks too). The sad thing is, I had drifted apart from my birth mum over the past 8 years, and we were just starting to get in touch again (longish story with rejection issue...) Funny thing is, regarding me still having a mum (adoptive mum), is that I immediately wanted to share her with my sister, a bit odd I know, but it was just a crazy thought that went through my mind. But they have never met, and do not live close by. Sorry, rambling on a bit about my own problems, hope my experience helps someone else too...

I am very early in re-connecting with my son, and we just recently had our first phone call. I am glad that in that call we ironed out this issue, though I realize that it is not written in stone (so many things seem so tenuous early in reunion and even as time goes on!). I have always referred to him to friends and family as "my son" so in our conversation, I asked him if this bothered him and he said it didn't. He initially told me he thought of me as his "birth mother" (which is what I expected him to call me, either that or my first name), but later in the conversation said if we were to meet and he was going to introduce me to someone, he would introduce me as "mom" and would expect that I would introduce him as "my son." I never expected this, and was actually quite pleasantly surprised about it. Later when our call was winding down, he said "I love you mom" and of course, as you can imagine, I felt like this: :love: :love: :love: I feel strongly that I want my son to call me whatever he feels comfortable calling me. If it is by my first name, that is fine. If he feels close enough to call me "mom" that is icing on the cake. I imagine there may be times that he will not feel comfortable with "mom" and that is OK. I don't have any other children, so the sibling issue does not apply in my situation. My heart goes out to you that after so much time, your sister has shut down like this and is shutting you out at a time of need. I do know from my own family dynamics that death brings out a lot of things in people. Some people can be supportive and embrace one another in this time of need, others totally shut down. My guess is that the death of your mother has stirred up a lot of feelings in your sister that she is having a hard time with. I am sorry for your loss and wish you had your sister for support. This is a very hard thing to go through. Are you in contact with other family members who could be in your corner right now? I hope in time your sister will come around. It sounds to me like she has many unresolved feelings, and it's too bad you two were never able to have some deeper, frank discussions about adoption and reunion. You sound like a lovely person who has a good understanding of the feelings and concerns that crop up when reuniting with your birth family. How many of us in the same situation would welcome having that deeper connecton! I know I would, and hope to have it with my son.

Senyah, I can only speak for myself...but I don't feel odd at all when my son calls me "Mom". We reunited over 20 years ago, shortly after his 18th birthday, and he called me "Mom" about six months later for the first time. I already knew at that point that he referred to me as his mother, without any qualifiers, so it wasn't a big shock to me when he started calling me Mom. The first time I heard him call me that, time just seemed to stop for me---and I knew I was experiencing something monumental. I did feel a bit guilty and disloyal towards his adoptive parents at first...but those feelings ceased for me when they kicked him out of their lives a couple years later. I didn't surrender my only child to adoption just to have him become a motherless child....no way in hell I would ever let that happen. If he wants to call me Mom, that is his right and privilege...and I feel honored.These days, my son mostly calls me by my first name, except on holidays, birthdays, and when he's feeling unwell...during those times, he usually calls me Mom. I always say a silent prayer of gratitude to the Man Upstairs when I hear that word. :loveyou:

I thought this might be a simple answer. Of course I'd like it if he called me mom. However, this is somewhat onion like in that the more you think about it the more layers there are to peel back. In the end, if he wanted to call me mom and his amom was fine with that I'd be thrilled. I think as a bmom I'd defer to the amom in that she was the one there during years of thick and thin and to me that more clearly defines motherhood. Of course, she couldn't have been mom without my contribution...see what I mean? Not as easy once you start thinking about the whole picture!

Yes, it's not really a simple thing using the term mum or dad for birth parents, and I can understand that birth parents may feel that perhaps they dont have the right to be termed as the mum or dad, when that position in life had been signed over to someone else. Of course that doesnt mean that in their heart they may feel differently, but it was a sacrifice that they made for whatever reason, and respect has to be given to the adoptive parents. But nature being nature, the birth parents are in fact the genuine parents and once in reunion emotions start to play a big part. For me, I will use the term mum or dad when talking about them, and feel quite comfortable (and actually prefer it) when others refer to them as "your mum" or "your dad", I have never used the term mum or dad when face to face. I was brought up from age 8 knowing I was adopted with very little information about them except knowing their first names. So when meeting it just stayed on first name terms, and it was never even discussed or thought about. But deep down in my heart they are my real parents to me, and I could now, after so many years in reunion, quite happily use the term mum or dad, it gives a feeling of truly belonging that I had not experienced before while growing up. This has no reflection on my upbringing with adoptive parents, which was happy and balanced, who I have a very good relationship with too. I love them all equally but differently.

I call my b parents by their names or "your mother/father". Piertz

My bmom is just as much a mom to me as my amom. So I call her mother, bmom, or mom. I call her my mom around others except for my afamily, where I call her bmom. I call her mom to my half brother and her fiancee. When speaking to her I usually call her mother or bmom but occassionally mom.

Ramned, that sounds just perfect to me. How lovely for you that you seem to have a great relationship with everyone, even your half brother. And everyone accepts you as family. I have a full sister (who was kept) and have known her and been in her life for over 30 years, and now suddenly she cannot accept that I refer to my birth mother or father as mum or dad. I call them by their names when face to face, but will often use the term Mum or Dad when talking about them to others. She sees them as only her mum and dad, and has now after all these years cut me completely out of her life, without even giving me a reason. We have always got along really well over the years, often socialising together. A complete shock to me....

That is weird with your sister. The fact she sees them as only HERS is my best guess and now that you call them Mom and Dad (which don't let her feelings prevent you from doing IMO) she feels like you should have no right to do that or something. Who knows. My half brother, being an only child, felt the same way and while we get along okay, he's had problems with it. I know she's your sister and all, but she's gonna have to suck it up, they are just as much her parents as yours, and the fact that you call them Mom and Dad doesn't take anything from her at all. That's what I would tell my half brother if he ever said anything to me

I strugged with this for several years as well. In the end, when talking to my brother (with whom I share a mother), I just call her by her first name. That seems to work best. But maybe I feel a bit different than you, I only have one MOM, the woman who raised me. My birth mom is just that, my birth mom with whom I am friends, so I call her by her first name. Sorry that your sister is reacting badly. I would try to speak to her about it if you can. Good luck.

I call my mother by her first name when a) I'm talking to my brother and b) we're in a store or a public place and I'm calling out to her! and c) when I'm talking to other relatives e.g. aunts/uncles, even my dad (who doesn't live with her any more). We're both her biological children (raised by her) and I know other people who do that when talking to siblings. I guess it just seems more grown up (and, in the store, means someone else isn't responding to "Mother!". I started doing that in my teens for that reason.)

Sorry, bit confused with your comment, if you were raised by your biological mother together with your biological brother, then when were you adopted?