Possible attachment issues adopted at birth?

Was he drug exposed? That alone can cause some really lovely behaviors that sometimes show up in toddlerhood or early school years. Can he self soothe? Regulation issues are really difficult to deal with for parents. It might be attachment issues but, honestly, it could simply be the age, it could be developmental delays, it could be something, it could be nothing. Many kids outgrow rather undesirable behavior when they can say more words. My son came home as a newborn and was the sweetest, most happy baby (daycare would playfully fight over who got to care for him that day). He CHANGED at about 20 months, just became difficult, obnoxious to sibs, the pedicatrician called him "busy" and suggested we watch his behavior closely. At age 3 he was dx with Sensory Processing Disorder. We didn't know WHAT was wrong, something clearly was. When in doubt, get him evaluated. It hurts nothing and might help! The earlier the better if there are any real issues.

I know it's really hard when you aren't sure if your child's behavior is age appropriate or not. You may want to look on attach.org or at.radkid.org to find a therapist who specializes in working with adoptive families.

The first thing I thought of was normal toddler behavior but as I read on I though maybe this was caused from maybe drug or especially alcohol exposure. These things are very hard to pinpoint as sometimes kids will just do these things and grow out of them and other times it can be something more serious. My own bioson displayed some of these behavious but they were short lived and just part of toddlerhood. I am a firm believer though in a mothers intuition so if you say something seems "off" then I would definately have him evaluated. Better o err on the side of caution than not. Not only that but at least you will know what you are dealing with. I edited this to add that even though your son was adopted at birth though rare for non exposed kids it is possible to have some attachment issues. This is why a good place to start would be to know if he was exposed. I wish you the best. EZ

it sure sounds like attachment problems to me. regardless, i'm really sorry for what you're going through. it sounds very tough.

It certainly sounds like RAD. From what I've read it can develop in the womb if the bio-mother used drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or any other form of fetal abuse. It may also help to remember that his brain and biological functions were in tune to his bio-mother when he was born -- even though adopted at birth he still suffered the loss of his primary caregiver (though it sounds like his attachment issues may have started long before that). Because he isn't yours biologically, he will always feel the effects of the genetic differences. He won't think like you or share your interests -- little things that could easily be overlooked by an adult but be very troubling to a confused, angry, scared child (almost all adopted kids fear losing their adoptive family). The therapist I'm now working with would probably recommend that you carry him around with you as much as you possibly can so he can feel your heartbeat, be accustomed to your scent, etc (even though you've had him since birth he may still need this kind of closeness). Give him sugar (candy, cookies, fruit) while holding him and having him look you in the eyes (face, neck, upper body if necessary) to help him develop the functions of his frontal lobe that somewhere along the line failed to develop along normal pathways. Do NOT let him take the food and feed himself, the goal is to help him learn to trust you. In our case, my daughter was 2 1/2 years old when I brought her home so we can only assume that in the neglect she suffered in her birth home she missed out on being held, cuddled, and fed by her birth mom. Since you've had your son since birth you at least know what he has experienced since that time. Hopefully that will make things a little easier to address for you. Our therapist would probably also suggest that you read the book, "Parenting with Love and Logic." He's not so big on Nancy Thomas' book. He told me today that in his opinion she puts too much emphasis on using consequences -- and not all kids with attachment disorders are able to learn from consequences. My daughter being one of them. :(

Thank you all for your advice. I know birth mom used cigarettes throughout her pregnancy and not sure about alcohol. She didn't know she was pregnant for a few months though so she might have drank without knowing. I also know she drank a lot of caffeine. He is very busy also, which makes it hard to always keep up with him. I have started to wear him in a wrap with me more throughout the day. He starts to resist it some when I first put him in there but then seems to enjoy it and will cry when I take him out. I will try giving him sweets while holding him and having him make eye contact, which is hard for him. All of the advice is very helpful, and I do think we need to have him evaluated to see if there is an issue so we know how to help him better. Thanks!

Are you going to have him evaluated for FASD/FAE? Or just attachment issues? Since you don't know the extent of possible alcohol exposure, if you have a clinic that can test for FAE it would be good to do. One of the details I was told about my daughter's bio family was that they were known to drink, but weren't known as alcoholics. I had K evaluated just to rule in/out any possible impact there might have been. She has some physical characteristics that resemble those common for FASD, but the tests indicated no brain impairment. That was nice to know. This suggestion came to me from a woman who was hyperactive as a child herself, whose son was also diagnosed as hyperactive (this was actually prescribed for him by a doctor), nevertheless I recommend using a cautious approach to trying it: Caffeine; a small amount of a caffeinated beverage to stimulate the area in the brain that lags behind in hyper kids. I spent years trying to keep my daughter away from sodas and such, thinking the last thing she needed was a sugary, chemical-bathed stimulant. However, by the time I heard this advice she was already using stimulants to help control ADHD. I'm still careful not to let her have soda or tea very often, but a small amount really does seem to help, especially now that the ADHD medication being used isn't a stimulant. Again, try this with caution, and perhaps even talk to your son's doctor first.

We adopted our daughter at 5 weeks , and I noticed some differences between her and her bio sister who we previously adopted at 5 months. I didnt think the attachment issues would be it with the one placed earlier but I sought out counseling and what a Godsend! Now at almost 7, she has been DX with ADHD and is doing very well but will still have tantrums every once in awhile that are pretty intense but I am told this is the impulse control issue of ADHD. She only has the tantrums with me.(arent moms lucky:)) When she was a toddler she would continually hit her head on the tile floors during a tantrum and also try to bite me if I tried to remove her. Love and Logic is also a FABULOUS resource- good luck and hang in there!!!

I was adopted at 3 days of age & have always had insecure attachment patterns with my parents. I was not exposed to illegal drugs, but my mother was likely on antipsychotics throughout the pregnancy. While I'm not a huge advocate of the "Primal Wound" theory I do think there is something to it--that sense of loss can be there even if the placement occured at birth, and if it is not dealt with it can lead to attachment disorders. That being said, I agree with a PP who asked about potential sensory issues. It does seem odd that he is okay with others holding him, but increasing research is showing children with autism may react differently to one stimulus than another. It could be the type of shirt you have on, or the perfume you are wearing, etc. rather than the fact that you are his mother. While I certainly would suggest attachment parenting techniques with a child of this age, I also would caution against automatically presuming it is attachment issues. I would have a full developmental assessment done to rule out other possibilities first.

I AGREE. Very thoughful post. Sensory Integration was my first thought too. It could be something in your home environment that is triggering the tantrums. Something to think about.