My family is heartbroken over my decision to place my unborn child. Advice?

I will give another point of view. My mother wanted to place me for adoption, but because of family pressure and because they paid her back rent and paid for everything I needed, she was pressured into keeping me. She did not want to be a parent, and made it clear to me. She resented me. She did go on to marry my father when she got pregnant again. They divorced several years and several more children later. To this day she resents the relatives that pressured her and even me to some extent, though she tries not to show it, I can feel it. So if you really and truly don't want to parent, then it would not be best for your child for you to try to parent only because others want you to. However, if the only reason that you feel you can't is money and help, and your parents are willing to give that, then you might consider it. You are very blessed to have a family that wants to support and help you, but in the end you have to do the soul searching and make a decision. Honestly, no matter what you choose you are likely to have some regrets and always wonder "what if". This is a life changing thing, no matter what you choose.

NEW2Me - have you ever thought about supporting this woman to keep her child?

greenbottles, why would they do that, when they can have a perfect newborn with no strings attached? there's not much in it for them if they support her after all.

It is one thing to suggest that one look into helping a woman parent her child instead of relinquishing. It is quite another to attack a stranger's character simply because they are planning to adopt a baby being placed by a college student who feels they have no other options. Neither you or I know if New2Me has offered to help the emom she's working with (whom she has known for years) to parent. I think your comment was extremely unfair.

To the OP, what do you think about putting an adoption decision on hold until after the baby is born and see how parenting might work out in your situation? As others have said, this is not a decision you have to make before the baby is born. Also keep in mind that even if you have an open adoption agreement in an enforceable state, it may be extremely hard to have it enforced (you would probably have to go to court to get it enforced if the aparents didn't hold up on their end of the deal). There are no guarantees after you relinquish on how much you or your parents can have contact with your baby.

personal attacks are not allowed and unkind or attacking posts have been deleted. posts discussing those posts have been deleted as well.

Wow, so many replies! You've all given me a lot to think about. To those of you who are talking about me keeping the baby... Honestly, this is not something that I haven't thought about, but it just feels... wrong to me, the idea of keeping this baby. I barely manage to remember homework assignments and what i'm doing today, my room and house are usually an ungodly mess, and I've killed every plant I've ever owned and starved a couple cats for a day or two on too many occasions simply because I do not remember to do things. I don't think I'd be a good role model, or parent, right now. I'm barely out of my teens and I really don't feel it would be kind to keep this baby, to myself or to the baby, and it would mean giving up any hope of a full time career, at least for the time being, or of following my boyfriend to the out of state college he's going to next year, which I had kind of planned on. And I don't think its entirely my decision, either-Keeping this baby would also really change my boyfriends life, and I know he really doesn't want to be a parent, in fact hates the idea and stolidly has since we got together 4 years ago, but won't leave me if I choose to keep, because he loves me and doesn't want to be irresponsible. That would put him in a situation he didn't want and specifically asked me never to put him in before we even got together. In the heat of the moment, our first time, he told me we couldn't be intimate unless we used birthcontrol, because he didn't want to be a parent now, or probably ever. This from a horny 19 year old boy. He's been incredibly responsible, and I think his opinion deserves heavy consideration. If I kept this baby, he'd feel obligated not to leave the state at the end of the summer as he's planned for years, couldn't go off to Ringling College and chase his dreams... and I think he should. I've been encouraging him to for years, and I don't want to stop him. These are the reasons, or at least some of them, that I have chosen not to keep this baby. I really don't think I will change my mind, and believe that what I'm doing is for the best. The problems I am having stem from my family's reaction to this, and I've been hearing very similar things from them to what I've read here. Thank you for your input, but I am really looking for insight or personal experience on how to sooth this rift, not the same lectures I get from them, and others who hear of my decision, daily. I respect the fact that keeping the child was or may have been the right thing for some of you, but every situation is unique, and to me that really doesn't feel like the right thing.

Hi Willow I am a birthmother and I placed my daughter for adoption over 16 years ago. I kept my pregnancy a secret from most everyone including my parents. So I have no experience of family involvement pre-birth. But I cannot imagine having to deal with that at the same time....((huggs)). Shortly after my daughter was born, I told my parents and was met with "You go to the hospital and get that baby right now." I'll let you imagine the tone of voice and the rest of the conversation. Well, I didn't listen or else I wouldn't be here posting. However, I'm not sure I could have handled the daily lectures. I'm happy that you and bf are supporting each other. Do you guys have any other support? Is there anyway you could ask your parents to backoff? I think that letting you know they would support you and baby financially and that they would be willing to raise baby is a whole lot different than daily lectures.

I wonder if writing a letter would help. That way you can carefuly think about the wording and they can think before they reply. Something along the lines of, "Thank you for being wonderful parents. I have always known that you would be there for me. You raised me to make my own decisions and to think carefully about them. I am asking now that respect me and trust me to do as you have taught me and make careful decisions. I love you and I know that you love me and want what is best for me and my child. I also want what is best for my child as well. I am not asking your permission, just your support and love like you have always given. It hurts me when you critisize my decisions. I am not making them lightly, so please just support and love me and don't judge me." Just something in your own words.

Willow - You are certainly in the right place if you want pro adoption. I'm (among other things) an adoptee, a first mother and a bereaved mother. As an adoptee I can tell you I resent being rejected. It might not be true, but it's how I feel. As a first mother, I would have given my right arm to be allowed to raise my child. The support your parents are offering you - wow, I only wish mine had felt that way. They could have, just didn't. As a bereaved parent - I'd give my life to bring my child back. However, back to you. That you feel you are unable to parent - may never feel able to parent - is a valid feeling. I would just ask you NOT to sign away your rights as it's done now, usually within the first 48 hrs. Once done, it can't be undone. That you want an open adoption, with visitation for your parents - well that's up to the adoptive couple. They may promise you all that, but could just as easily slam the door in your face, and those of your parents. Just give yourself enough time AFTER giving birth to make up your mind. The bond between you and your child is like no other. If you allowed your parents to raise him/her you may feel able to step up to the plate once you are older. With their support, it IS doable.

No your not a bad person I went through the same thing 3 months ago. I had lots of family willing to adopt my son but its not what I wanted. You need to do what u think is best for u and ur baby not what's best for ur parents. If u truly believe that it wouldn't be best for him/her to be with ur parents tell them that its not what you want they don't have to respect ur decision but they just have to deal with it in their own way. Hope it works out for u

hello willow.... As both a birthmother and an adoptive mother... I have discovered that often times people don't actually understand adoption... Placing in 1986, I was one of the birthmoms who was promised pictures and updates.... and did not receive them.. This was a horrific thing to survive.... However... in 2010... adoption has changed... not as much as we would like... but it has, indeed, changed. While there are certainly adoptive parents who promise anything... only to get the baby and close the adoption.. I, personally, believe there are an awful lot of adoptive parents who understand that an open adoption is a benefit to the child... it is the humane choice for a birthmother... and they actually have integrity... these adoptive parents do actually keep promises they make. Unfortunately, while some states do offer legally enforceable open adoption agreements... not all do. And even in the states that offer them, the laws have not yet been tested up to the Supreme Court... and untested laws are not necessarily enforceable. It sounds like you may already be speaking with an agency... if you are, perhaps you could involve your parents in the conversations. If your parents can talk to adoptive parents in open adoptions that are working.. perhaps they will gain a better understanding of what open adoption is.... To me... and many other adoptive parents... this is what open adoption looks like: First and foremost, I made a lifelong commitment to the birthfamily that I would not ever close the adoption... Obviously, being a birthmother who survived the closing of an adoption... this is deeply rooted in my heart... My daughters birthmother, birthaunts, birthfather, and birthgrandparents have complete access to my both my phone numbers and my address... They can call me any time they like... and i am completely open to any visits. The maternal side of her family is on my Facebook page.. and the paternal side is on my Myspace... i keep them separate due to bad blood between them. I post pictures... and updates. I frequently text one of the birthaunts pictures... as a matter of fact, when we were driving through the city she lives in, we stopped and had lunch with her... and while she was looking through her phone for pictures of her other nieces and nephews.... she laughed and said she had the most pictures of my daughter! Including your parents in learning about open adoption... and allowing them to help you choose the family... may be helpful. Of course... as mentioned earlier... and as I myself experienced... adoptive parents, can... and do close adoptions... frequently for reasons we do not understand based only on my personal experience with an adoption closing.... If I had to do it all over again, I would try to protect myself by placing with an adoptive family that has already adopted... and is engaged in a loving, working open adoption.... I would ask for the birthmothers contact info and permission to speak with her... I hope this helps...

i thought about what i said about open adoption.. and realized that I had only emphasized the contact and access part of open adoption.... there is so much more to it than that.... first... open adoption is not co-parenting. even in open adoption, the reality is that the birthmother relinquishes her right to parent that child... even with knowing there will continued contact, relinquishing is still a very painful and difficult thing to do. in open adoption, birthmoms still grieve... and mourn the loss of their child. Some agencies use the carrot of open adoption to procure a baby from a reluctant expectant mom.... and can mislead an expectant mom about what is going to happen. my experience as a birthmother was horrendous... as many of us have, I lived each day not knowing my daughters name... not knowing if she was dead or alive... and not knowing what she looked like... i hated thinking that I could sit next to her in a movie theater and not recognize her... It was a painful way to live my life. I always imagined that if the aparents had kept their word... and sent pictures and updates... i would have found great comfort in that... and to me (not saying all birthmoms feel this way)... I would have felt like she had the life i dreamed for her... that my hopes and dreams for her were coming true... that she had the life I could not give her... and that my pain and suffering were worth the life that she was living... Open adoption is about more than continued contact... To me.... my daughters birthfamily is like extended family... the more people that love her, the better. In open adoption... adoptive parents have access to information that can be very helpful... when my daughter needed to have surgery, I could call her birthfamily.. and I found great comfort in knowing that no one was allergic to anesthesia before she went under... For my daughter... open adoption gives her access to where she came from... to a mom and a dad... and aunts and uncles... who she resembles. She can see her own face reflected in theirs... When her birthaunt held her, i loved to see how they tilted their heads at the same angle... my daughter does not resemble me at all... and just after I commented "she looks more like your daughter than mine"... the waitress asked the aunt what her daughter would like to eat... we all had a great laugh! I adore my daughter.... I love her with everything I have... and I love connecting with other people who love her, too... It warmed my heart to see how much her auntie loved her.... as an adoptive mom... i have never viewed open adoption as a carrot... i have always seen it as vital to all members of the triad... especially the child. I think it is easier to develop your identity as an adopted individual when you know who you look like... and you know whose quirks you have... and who you laugh like... and you know both your mothers love you... just like a birthmother suffers a huge loss in adoption... so does the baby... and I think healthy attitudes toward open adoption can help a child work through that loss... and ultimately... in open adoption... there is no "reunion"... the child grows up knowing birthparents... and family... now... having said all this... i have never lived in open adoption as a birthmom...or an adoptee... it's mainly my opinion as an adoptive mom.... and my opinions often evolve and change over time... especially when folks here share their own experiences...

Just wanted to pitch in and say that I hope you didn't take my earlier post as a lecture that you should keep your baby. Only you know your situation and only you can make this decision. Just keep in mind that as a PP said, you can't change your mind after the revocation period is over (which can be no time up to weeks depending on what state you're in). This may very well be one of the most important decisions of your life...take your time. Please keep in mind that it's a crap shoot as far as open adoptions go. You may get a very ethical family like some of the PPs who give you the updates, visits, etc that you agree to. Or you may not. I think the PP who suggested you look for a family that already has an open adoption is on to something. You can get an idea of how they feel about open adoption, and maybe you can talk to their child's birth parent to see how their OA works.

Willow,Thirty-eight years ago I gave birth to my firstborn and placed him for adoption. I was a senior in college when he was born. It was very difficult for my mom to come to terms with my choice to place him. It took her a long to to recognise that I really did (and do, btw) love him. Mom offered to keep him until I graduated and got a job, and got on my feet; but I recognised that in that case he would never really be MY son. I wanted him to have parents who were ready to be parents; who would love him without the baggage I had at the time. I will say this, even though she disagreed with my decision, she supported me in the decision (eventually). I hope that if you continue to believe that this is the best decision for you that your parents will come to support you.