Korean Adoptee Blog

I just read your link on Dr Boas. He sounds like a great guy.

I absolutely acknowledge the pain I read in those posts. Adoption involves tremendous, tremendous loss. And most people don't realize that.The last 7 or so years of my life have been filled with unbelievable pain too. I get pain. And I totally understand how when your pain is dismissed, it makes it 100 times worse.Furthermore, there are obviously a huge range in how adoptees feel about their adoptions.But even if it's my kids that feel this extreme level of hurt, I hope I can be the soft, safe place for them. I hope I can be the place where they can process their grief.I agree with pp that in a perfect world adoption wouldn't be needed. It pains me so to say that, b/c it means I wouldn't have the kids I have--who I love so, so much. But I do agree with that statement. But as long as the world is imperfect, I do think there is a place for adoption.

I didn't really have any questions. I found this link and thought WOW. I really didn't know there were groups like this. the reason why I posted is just the same - I didn't know there was 'another side' and figured it is really great when you can see both sides to the story! Personally I definitely see both sides. Also I feel really bad for the pain that blogger has. I also question my own motives.

thanks for the link ... excellent reading.

Personally I think we as a society and adoptive "society" have learned a lot from things done 20, 30 , 60 etc. years ago. Even 20 years ago kids were being adopted and not really allowed to have a place here in the US with their families. I think we know a lot more now about transracial and transculture adoption.Not saying there aren't going to be adoptees who don't have pain. Just saying that there's also a balance of things too. For every blog of pain, there's one of joy. And one of "it is what it is", And one of "Why the heck do people worry about this stuff at all?" kwim?Take it all in and learn from every experience is usually my motto with this.

I agree completely. another way to think about it: What if that blogger HAD been adopted by a "perfect" family that gave love AND support? would that girl feel the same? Would she still disagree with adoption? What IF that girls bio mom kept her and from the horrible treatment in Korea passed on her feelings to her daughter- blamed her daughter for the hate by abusing her all during her growing up years? would that blogger maybe wished to be adopted? There are many ways each person gets their opinion. I personally want to balance each perspective so I can hope to try to make the best of a situation.

From what I can make out after reading quite a few blogs by Korean adoptees have is that Korean adoption today seems quite similar to US/western society adoption 50 years ago, i.e. young girls don't have societal support and there is nowhere for them to turn. However, things do seem to be improving in that regards and it is good to see people like Dr Boas doing what they can. I think part of the problem with how Korean adoptees feel is that Korea is a relatively wealthy country and should be able to "look after its own". A lot of Korean bloggers are actually very angry at Korea itself for allowing this situation to happen. I was a bit confused about what you meant by "the horrible treatment in Korea". If you are talking about the person whose title was "I am * angry at Korea", her bfamily seemed very happy to see her. If this is the person you are talking about, then I doubt her bmother would have hated her or resented her at all. This girl sounded much more upset about how reunification affected her and I think it didn't help that another adoptee took her own life while she was there. Also she seemed to find it hard that her bfamily couldn't understand that she couldn't just pick things up as if nothing had ever happened. Btw one thing I have noticed with reading blogs from adopted people with ALL points of view from all walks of life is that their view often has VERY LITTLE to do with the relationship they have with their adoptive parents. If you read many of those "blogs of pain" right through, you will understand that they often love their aparents deeply; their problem is more to do with the act of adoption itself and the reasons why, especially in the era they were born. Also, being for "family preservation" isn't anti-adoption - no-one is saying "family preservation at all costs", they are saying "family preservation wherever possible", it is of course not always possible to preserve the family and that is when adoption comes in. I don't necessarily agree with everything that is written on a lot of the "blogs of pain" but it is always worth reading a blog right through and finding out why they have pain rather than just dismissing them for having pain. I actually read blogs by not just adoptees but aparents and birthmothers of ALL points of view because I think I can learn from them all. I try to read as much of a person's blog as I can because sometimes I see an entry from one blog criticised on another blog but sometimes when you read that criticised person's blog right through, you realise that the whole story hasn't come through. That is a good motto for all of life not just adoption.

caths1964 --- No I read the Angry person's blog. I understand that her family was 'cool' with things after she returned. My comment was more pointed towards adoptees might want to look at adoption from a grander scheme. I think this (view) perhaps because the angry adoptees (that i have met and read about) admit to having crappy adoptee family - the overall impression I get from some adoptees - the idea that living a life w/ the birth family from the start would be perfect/ better or maybe just the comment 'if the bio mom was not pressured to give me up my life would not be xxxxx" My point is yeah it wouldn't be xxxx but maybe it would be yyyyy. and is x<y? translated ..so your life is crappy bc of this this and this ... but if you stayed maybe it would be crappy for that that and that. and what is worse this or that? I love the study of the social and psychological. I find fascinating to read similar stories (korean adoption) and see how varied each person reacts. how some get "stolen and given to the crappy family" and are ok with it yet others can not get past it. I am very curious about is it really temperament or treatment? What really is making these feelings? For me as a korean adoptee - abandoned at 3mo ..adopted at 5mo to crappy family - i find this (adoption) is the LEAST PROBLEM in my life. Seriously when I have so many things to think about I never worry about something that happened so long ago. But then again I'm (according to personality typing) a visionary and look to future and rarely at past. I think those who dwell on past are the ones who may be more history types. Even so I am completely fascinated by the idea of making a change in Korea for the better. But to be honest Korea doesn't interest me so much. I would want all adoptions to be better. its the same to me if I make Russia better or USa or Korea. Then I wonder why doesn't it (my adoption) bother me? I don't really feel repressed or angry, hmmmmmmmmmm :hippie: Yet I wish to adopt a baby and to be honest I don't care where the baby comes from (legally) I just really really want a daughter....... sigh

"Btw one thing I have noticed with reading blogs from adopted people with ALL points of view from all walks of life is that their view often has VERY LITTLE to do with the relationship they have with their adoptive parents. If you read many of those "blogs of pain" right through, you will understand that they often love their aparents deeply; their problem is more to do with the act of adoption itself and the reasons why, especially in the era they were born. "In the blogs I have read where the adoptee loves the family - i think that might be true but then the adoptee is ranting about the cultural differences. Though I admit , I haven't read very many blogs.....Yet in my own town growing up (70s/80s) I know several asian (100%) families and the children felt same as me - weird in america too. So its not just adopted kids in america that feel kinda out of place - its any asian. Hence thats why I wonder about the adoptees? maybe if they werent adopted the mom (single)might move to USA and not know anyone. Then would that person be blogging about moving to USA and complaining? Hence I am wondering if certain ppl just have the need to "complain" /discuss plight in a very stressed out / emotional way. whereas in my life i have had tons of 'emotional' things but none of them really bother me that much. Hence my view that its really not about the adoption or whatever but maybe its more of the personality and the adoption is just the unordinary thing in their life?The girl who placed 2nd in biggest loser seemed to think that living in USA w/ a korean family that was not 'normal american' was very upset to not have the normal american family. she obviously felt different and resented that. You can imagine her feelings to be very similar to that of an adoptee, yet she wasnt even adopted. saying just the same feelings (not close, cultural differnces, not fitting in, korean) but different story

Hi Lori, Hope I didn't upset you. I thought you were referring to that particular person when you said about the "horrible experience". I think she did have a bad experience but I think it was because she hoped everything would be answered but in fact everything became more confusing. Re blogs: I always used to think that those adoptees who are "in pain" had problems with their own APs as well. However, I have discovered that in fact many of them do love their own aparents and that the feeling is totally separate. I think it is a personal thing, it depends on the adoptee how they feel. Also, how they feel after reunion may be different to how they feel beforehand. I can tell you that I feel much different after reunion than before (not angry at all, just everything feels more complicated). I won't go into on here. I have no regrets though. As Crick says though, it is best to look at all sides of the story to get the full picture. Btw on that blog I emailed you, there was another, much more positive story about Korea so I will PM that to you :)

Yes (about reunions) I think that the reason why I don't look for reunion (in early adulthood) is because deep down I know the story is probably more tragic than I want to think it is. I'm sure other adoptees when I was little used to dream *I* was Cinderella or some other fairy tale and think that I used to be a princess or something nice from a family that LOVED me then a wicked witch step mother came or something. But as I have read a couple not so happy endings - I think I have gone with a more neutral belief. I guess I don't want to upset myself and deal with reality. send me the blogs I book mark them. Definitely gives perspective.

There may be adoptees out there who dreamt that they were secretly princesses or whatever (I think there are biological children who fantasise that too lol) but I don't know anyone who, while growing up, thought of their aparents as "wicked stepparents" (some may think differently as adults). I never had any real fantasies about my bmother growing up. Even when I got my OBC, I don't think I had some unrealistic fantasy in my head. I just thought she would be married with children and alive - not unrealistic. I thought she would be an older version of me - definitely not a fantasy LOL. The funny thing is that after finding out all about her from her family and friends etc, she sounds far nicer than I thought she would be ; "on paper" she sounds like everyone's ideal of a birth mother. Being the realist that I am though, I want to know about the "real" her, good and bad. So far the "bad" hasn't been particularly bad - in fact, it has helped to understand her more. I suspect that you might find that your own bmother was probably a perfectly nice young girl who felt she had no other choice but to relinquish you. That "angry adoptees" bfamily sounded perfectly fine, I think they were just trying to make her feel as if she was part of their family but she felt caught between two worlds. Sometimes knowing that your bfamily are really nice can be very hard as well because you do realise what could have been. However, I try not to dwell on that, it is best to move forward. I just wanted to go back to this earlier quote even though I have addressed it before. I probably had the same view as you before meeting my bfamily yet now that I have done so, I can understand the bloggers a lot more. The thing is even if you have a great reunion (and mine has been pretty good, it is going pretty well how I hoped it would go), a lot of issues can be brought up. It is not really fair to assume that these bloggers are whinging minnies that have never had to cope with anything until now who are falling apart from being unable to cope. A lot of bloggers seem to be pretty strong people in real life who just want somewhere to vent their deepest thoughts. They know that IRL their feelings about their adoption/reunion are going to be dismissed by the general population, even other adoptees, so they start the blogs to express themselves and find likeminded readers. Do some bloggers need to lighten up sometimes? Yeah sure. But please don't dismiss them all as self-pitying moaners that fall apart at the drop of a hat because I don't see that about most of them. Then again, I have read quite a lot of different blogs. Btw I don't just read blogs related to adoption - I do read quite a variety of different blogs, articles etc. I am one of those people that follows link to link. You do seem like someone who is willing to learn and that is obviously important in anyone who wants to adopt. Just out of interest, have you ever been back to Korea since you were born? Here is a link list of a wide variety of adoption blogs from adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees showing all angles of adoption, positive and negative. [url=http://blisstree.com/live/the-best-of-the-best-top-50-adoption-blogs-360/]The Best of the Best: Top 50 Adoption Blogs : Blisstree - Serious Health and Wellness ˖ Injected With Humor[/url]

You may find this particular blog by a Korean adoptee interesting if you haven't read it already. She has actually ended her blogging but I think you will find that she seems like a very accomplished levelheaded person (as are many other adoptee bloggers btw) [url=http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/]Harlow's Monkey[/url]

As adoptive parents, it is critically important that we are aware of the anti-adoption perspective, which seems to be a small minority but one that feels very strongly. Personally, I think that some of the angry adoptees would be angry even if they weren't adopted and that they fixate on adoption the same way others fixate on another issue in their lives (e.g., blame the mother, the hometown, etc.). This doesn't mean their anger isn't real, but I doubt they would have been happy if they were not adopted and kept in their birth family, which clearly faced some challenges. I do think it's useful to try to understand this perspective to avoid the far more common situation of the unhappy, if not angry, adoptee, such as some bios I've read that talk about being the only one of their race in the neighborhood, and so on.

Lori and Caths - great discussion! I don't have a lot to add to it, personally, but lots to consider! I also read many of the links. Great info. The initial blog that you shared broke my heart. I pray that she finds some peace soon. My friend just got here so I have to go. Hope to hear more soon!