Birthparents over stepping boundaries??

You need to decide exactly what kind and the amount of contact you can handle right now. Write it out as a contract. You should be able to read each item like this: 1. one phone call per week 2. Photos every month 3. one personal visit at X place for 3 hours You get the idea. Then decide on what things would make you stop any of the above items. For example; if you had a visit planned and one or both of them show up under the influence. What would you do then? Continue the visit knowing the people are high or drunk, or stop it? Also decide what the consequences are for their behavior, such as stopping all contact including phone calls for a set amount of time until they can show they are not likely to come to a visit high. Let's say no contact for 3 months as an example. How many gifts are you comfortable with and what kind of gifts? When can they call, when can they visit,how long are phone calls. Do you want to talk with them every week, several times a month or what? Can they bring other people to a visit without you knowing ahead of time? If you write it all down and have a visit with them and explain that both parties need to do this in order to have open communication as much as possible, then you are helping the situation by having both parties well aware of what the rules are. Right now, they think they should be able to see/visit whenever they want because they do not understand that you need time to bond as a family and get to know them also. It's difficult enough to manage an open adoption, but when you throw in addicts, it is harder because not only do you have the effects of drugs/alcohol, but possible mental illnesses that are there helping create the addictive behavior or the self medication of illness. As for FB, set up a separate page that you can post things to just for them. Set up appointment well ahead of time were all of you can go to a meal and have some time together. You don't have to be friends with them or really socialize with them, but once in a while, having a get together will help the process of getting to know them as much as you need in order to facilitate a successful open adoption. It seems that most of the issues here are arising from the fact that no boundries have been put into place and hopefully when the boundries are set, things will go smoother.

So what exactly did you agree to?

Bromanchik: Here are the agreements: 1. 2 visits per year until he is 3 and then once a year until he is old enough to decide. (BP suggestion) 2. I would provide a photo album at each visit. 3. If we ever feel it is unhealthy or unsake for a visit, we have the right to cancel. 4. Because they know where we live (long story) they are not to show up unannounced. That is basically it in a nut shell. They told us phone calls wouldn't be an issue, but they are. For example, I missed a call from them about a month ago. I started getting texts asking if we moved or if we were ignoring them. I simply missed the call. Once I explained it they were ok. Last week they borrowed a friend's computer and saw our facebook page. The server shows a different location so they thought we moved. Uggg. It is mostly the birthdad. The Bmom is not concerned, but bdad didn't want to give him up. He is very paranoid. I know this may ease up in time, but he is driving us nuts. CaddoRose: I agree, although we have this in a contract, we may need to revise this and have a sitdown meeting with our attorney. Thank you for such a complete list. The one other issue is that both bps dropped out of school in the 8th grade. reading is an issue. Our attorney and I thought they understood everything. Perhaps they dont. usisarah: My mother owns daycares, the Bfathers grandmother is friends with one of the directors and know we were starting the aoption process. We have a great attorney, but the Bdad is very manipulative. We knew this going in, but perhaps we can sit back down with them. Thanks so much for the suggestions! I will keep you guys updated!

Do what;s right for your family. you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to live with the terms of your agreement> we have been living for nearly 5 years with an open adoption with a very manipulative birthmother who lies and has serious boundary issues. No matter what we do she tries to impose her own desires upon us always ignoring the terms that we negotiated and with which we were comfortable and as a result we have a VERY strained relationship. we feel tortured because you as the adoptive parents it puts you in a very awkward position but at the end of the day you need to put your family first. it is not your responsibiliy to meet their needs particularly if you are already complying with the agreement but if you have additional considerations because of their addicitions you do what you think is best for your sweet little child.

I had a lot of issue and problems similair with my children's birthparent. She has a developmental delay and Mh issues as well. I think, and it only a suggestion that a post office box is set up for your address and they are required to provide their address...no third party relay of messages. No photos to be used in social networking or contact if not wanted. if more than 2 visits cancelled then agreement can be re-evaulated. Recommmendation of a therapist to stop visits. visits in publci place for min of hour. Must have confirmation of visit a week to po box 5 days before visit to have take place. I would seriously look into fostercare post adopt type contracts because these similair situations are prevalent in these type adoptions. The contract most repeatedly say that it most be in the "best interests of the children" and decretionary. Please let me know if you need anything further.

I am in the same situation!! Except our baby just tuned a year old. Luckly for us our attorney di ours as a closed adoption so I didn't agree to anything on paper. But I did plan to keep it open and stay in contact with the bmom (there is no known bfather) but I had NO IDEA what that would mean until after our baby was born. Like you, our bmom was demanding and she called all the time. She would leave terriable voice mails and threaten to take our baby away when I wouldn't meet her demands, ect. So several months ago I blocked her from being able to call my cell and home # (she still calls my office) and I decded to break all contact beyond email and mail. I honestly didn't know how emotional this all would be for me, but like you, I do want what is BEST for my baby. I pray that you find a common ground with your bparents :)

I agree with setting some clear boundaries. It's okay to not want to be "buddy buddy" with them. I would take some time and come up with a general idea of the minimum and maximum you feel comfortable with and let them know that you will try and fall somewhere in between. That way they know what to expect at the very least and what to hope for at the most. We ended up having to do this and it has worked out the best for us. Rather than burning hot and cold we stay right in the middle and for us to maintain a long term relationship we need a constant stable game plan. Otherwise an open adoption just wouldn't have been possible for us. Neither of us could take the high's and low's of the roller coaster we had been on in trying to remain in contact.

I love these tips!

We also set up a fb just for my daughter and the only friends on it are her birth family. I try to post there at least once and sometimes twice a month. I resist pressure to post more frequently as I now have 2 under 2 and it's just too much.I ignore when they refer to themselves as mom and dad. For now, it doesn't matter, they aren't speaking to the kids when they say it.I let them call when they want for now. If I'm available, I take the call. If I'm not, it goes to vm and I return it when I can. I try to remember that they are greiving (our youngest, also theirs is only 6 weeks old) and extend grace as much as I can. It's easier for us in some ways as we don't live close enough to visit.For our first, there was no drug use, but with our second, there was. So now that there is drug use in the picture, my view on potential visits is guarded. I don't want someone who is high visiting my kids. However, I'm keeping all electronic/phone contact in spite of the drug use. I just remind myself when it's hard and when I feel threatened, that I need to do what is ultimately in my kids best interest. Maintaining a relationship with their birth family is in their best interest. When they are older, they can make the decision, but for now it falls to me to do the right thing.You've gotten some good advice. Good luck. This part is hard. Our relationship haschanged over the last 2 years. You may have to reset boundaries over the years as your kids needs change as well.

Also, when I'm struggling with our semi-open, I go read these. . . [url=http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-openness.html]A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense: Why Openness?[/url][url=http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/2010/08/open-adoption-thoughts-and-feelings.html]A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense: Open Adoption: Thoughts and Feelings Part 2 "The Trump Card"[/url]

:) I really need to write more updates on that ...

Just want to add one thing: On FB, you can set you browser to Private Browsing so location isn't advertised. Also, you can block people. Feel free to add the BP's names to your blocked list with no guilt. Then when they search for you, you aren't there. If they ask, say you're too busy right now. Not sure I like setting up a separate fb page - they will see you have almost no "friends" and wonder why they can't see your "real" page.Good luck! They are definitely too intrusive and demanding.

Just want to add one thing: On FB, you can set you browser to Private Browsing so location isn't advertised. Also, you can block people. Feel free to add the BP's names to your blocked list with no guilt. Then when they search for you, you aren't there. If they ask, say you're too busy right now. Not sure I like setting up a separate fb page - they will see you have almost no "friends" and wonder why they can't see your "real" page. Good luck! They are definitely too intrusive and demanding.

The way I did this was to set up a page for my daughter with her first and middle name only as her name and they and their family are her only friends. That way I can control everything that goes on that page and the settings. And there's no question about my page, because this is her page for updates only. They've never asked about seeing my page.

The no friends shown is a moot point. Privacy settings allow the user to set it to only show friends in common. Kind regards, Dickons