Birth Order Question

My oldest son was the youngest (by 9 years) in his birth family. He moved into our family with our two younger bios. He's now the oldest by 6 years. We were concerned about birth order and purposely looked for a large spread in ages.We haven't had any real problems (like safety issues). Some things that I notice is that he's not a "natural" big brother. He doesn't inherently nurture the little ones and isn't overly affectionate with them. He does however, play with them regularly. Although they tend to play games that he's interested in rather then toddler and preschooler games. They don't always understand them, but they're enthusiastic. It took him a while to get used to diapers, potty training, messy hands, etc. I can't see him being a very good babysitter as he gets older. He had trouble learning how to have his own space and take care of his own things so the little ones don't get them. We're now expecting our 4th child (third bio child) and he'll be 10 1/2 when the baby is born. I'm interested in how he responds to seeing a baby grow up from infancy, as he's never experienced that. Am hoping for an increased bond and seeing more nurturing. I think that empathy will be something important for him.

I think you don't find as much on that because typically that is how families grow. Newborns come in and displace the previous baby as the youngest child, and they deal with it. Sibling rivalry can be an issue regardless of age, and it will take some adjustments for the children. It's hard to predict how kids will handle it. I think the biggest issue here is that a child can protect/defend themselves more easily against a child younger than themselves than an older child. Children with difficult backgrounds can be aggressive, and I believe that is the main reason for recommending not changing the birth order by adopting a child older than kids already in your home. It can and has been done by many (myself included) but you need to be prepared for the specific difficulties that it brings and go into it cautiously with eyes open to the potential problems. If you are adopting a child younger than your current children, it doesn't mean there won't be jealousy or other displacement issues, just that they are more "typical" issues children have to deal with in life. I think it's good that you're thinking carefully about the affect a new sibling will have on your child so you can help him/her adjust and transition well. There are so many books on becoming a big brother/sister and they are focused on bringing in a baby, not an older child, but the feelings addressed would be the same.

We have two boys who are 15 months apart and were willing to adopt any child younger than our oldest. We strongly felt that he should always remain our oldest just because of his personality. We didn't mind if we ended up with a child who would be in between them because as another poster said, that youngest kids birth order is pretty much always going to get messed with. He will not longer be the youngest if you adopt a young child, or he will be the youngest of 3 instead of the youngest of 2 if we adopted one in between. I'm sure we'll have our challenges, but we made the choices we thought were best for our family. We are adopting a 2 year old and our oldest will stay oldest, and our youngest will stay youngest.