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Our kids have been TPR'd so technically we don't owe the birth parents any contact whatsoever. For the sake of the kids we do intend to keep in touch just so we know where to find them if/when the day comes that our kids want to meet their birth parents. This won't happen for at least 10 years or more as the BPs are pretty unstable and the kids would have to be old enough to deal with what is likely to be a negative experience.
Biomom is currently incarcerated. She has drug addiction issues and serious underlying mental health problems. During her last incarceration I sent her a letter each month telling her what the kids were up to and sent photos each time. When she got out she took off leaving all the photos behind at a boarding house and went back on drugs. Since she was reincarcerated both parents have been TPR'd and she did do it voluntarily.
Last month she sent a letter requesting photos of the kids. Part of me understands and part of me is supremely pissed that she lost all the previous photos (including a framed holiday photo that was her Xmas gift from the kids sent shortly after she was released). Apparently she's upset that she left them and tried to get them back but too late. She requested photos from the kids birthdays, halloween, Thanksgiving and Xmas. She thanked us for 'taking care of them' but never acknowledged that we are their PARENTS now.
I didn't respond right away because we were just too busy - I gave birth (!!!), had all family birthdays and our wedding anniversary, T-giving and Xmas with three different families (including bmom's parents and sisters whom we adore), and I have to spend my maternity leave meeting with builders and architechts for our new home. Every single family event falls from September to December so I decided to just wait until I had time to cope with writing to her. Besides, she had dropped off the face of the earth for about six months and never once touched based with us to see how the kids were doing so I didn't feel all rushed to catch her up when the break in communication was her choice.
Found out yesterday that she sent an Xmas card to the kids that was returned to her. She didn't put our family name on it, just the kids names, so the carrier that covered over the holidays thought it didn't belong with us. Of course, she has decided to go nuts over this, accuses us of rejecting mail from her (ummm....I could just throw it in the trash but whatever) and is telling her family that she never should have 'given' the kids to us. Fortunately her mother set her straight that TPR was going to happen weather she agreed to it or not (kind of wishing it had been involuntary now, but whatever).
So now I feel I need to write to her but I'm pretty ticked off. I also need to do some serious boundary setting with her (on the advice of both our kid's therapist and her bio family's therapist - yes, they need a therapist to deal with her because her issues are so severe). The CW says we don't owe her anything at all based on state law. So...WWYD?
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Sounds like our daughters bmom...blames everyone for her mistakes and goes on/off drugs. Sounds like you need to set boundaries now. 1st off: Did you give her your physical address or a PO box? I always used a PO Box. I did not want bmom showing up here at our house. You can only decide what you want to set boundaries up as. We decided once a year photo and letter...but when biomom continued to write and would call too much and speak of adult issues with our daughter whom was 8 at the time we cut off all contact. We had boundaries setup, she refused to follow them and only called or wrote when it satisfied her! It just was not positive for our daughter at all. She would have nightmares, she would be confused. I'm assuming in your case the kids are quite smaller then our daughter was when we adopted? Our daughter was 9. I would write her...send her a photo and specifically tell her the boundaries. You will write once a year and send a photo once a year (or however you decide) and she will respect that as you are now the childrens parents and you wish to protect them from any harm. And remember she will always be their biomom...that won't change. You should always speak in a postive manner to them about her (like we tell our daughter "Your mom made wrong choices and you are here with us permanently so you are safe." etc..) even though you probably don't think too kindly of her. Just remember it's up to you now to decide the boundaries and only you can determine that. But I suggest you set them up ASAP and let her know what they are so there is no miscommunication and this doesn't continue. Remember it's whatever is best for the kids....and take some time to cool off before writing any letters to her.And remember there is a reason that the kids are with you and not her. She feels angry towards you for taking them away when all you really are doing is protecting them from future harm. Even though she loves them they still deserve to be safe.
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I know how tempting it is not to give her any more photos, especially since she was so careless with the ones you gave her previously. I went through a similar situation with my son after we reunited. He was strung out on crystal meth, got evicted from his apartment, and left behind all of the photographs I had ever given him. Many of them were irreplaceable ones of his birth father and paternal half-siblings---his birth father died that year, and there are no copies of many of the pictures I gave him. I was so ticked off that I was tempted not to let him have any copies of the ones I did have...but it seemed too cruel to me to do that to him, especially after he straightened his life out. So I ended up making copies of the photos I still had, although to be honest, I'm sorry I gave him the originals of his birth dad to begin with.
It's so darn hard dealing with a drug addict. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that there's a real human being in there underneath the addiction and all the drama. I'm glad you're setting boundaries...you'll need them. I would send her a few photos, along with a letter outlining the boundaries and rules. I also agree with getting a post-office box, if you don't already have one, and use it for all correspondence with her.
I concur with the post office.
As for pictures, it can be sooo irritating, putting effort in and feeling its not appreciated (i made a video of dd's gymnastics class for her BM yesterday.. she responded with "i could hardly see her". well, duh.. she was far away.. ).
Its helped me to figure out what i'm comfortable giving, then let go of what i sent. In our case, DD's mom has a computer. I post pictures on the family web site. Its up to her to print them out if she wants a copy.
Since your child's BM is incarcerated, I'm not sure she'd have access to the web. Maybe it would be less frustrating to only print out pictures when you're doing it anyway?
For some people, pictures are an easy way to see how things look today; they may not even feel the need to see them after the check in. Unless you child's BM is asking for redo's of older pictures, she may be that sort of person.
I'd certainly give up on frames
good luck!
I may have missed something in your post, but what I'm understanding is the bmom wants you to send photos? So you mail her a few photos and expect nothing back,what's the worst thing that can happen? She's not permitted to have contact with the kids? Honestly my raw human inclination is to say, forget her, who needs the drama? But the compassionate side says....she's messed up, she is human and more importantly the bio mom of your children. Giving them up has had a profound impact on her and seeing photos is her only request. I won't pretend to understand the clouded mind of someone addicted to drugs...but as a PP said, there is a human inside her. You've already shown her one of the greatest acts of kindness, you took in her children and love them as your own. Sending a few pics...a small gesture in the grand scheme (unless I'm missing something). Congrats on your new baby!!!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. Unfortunately, she does know where we live. The court documents stated our home address and we have not moved. We will be building a house in about a year and I'm seriously tempted at that time to set up a PO box and only let her have that. Especially since we'll be living only a few miles from her family.
I do need to let go of my anger over her losing the photos I sent. I guess I feel like it's just another rejection of these beautiful children and they so deserve to be cherished, even in photos. Plus the pregnancy hormones are making me a little more gaga than usual. :)
If mom was just a drug addict this whole situation would be easier because I'd have some hope for her recovery. But because her mental health issues are severe and lifelong (started when she was six and she's been institutionalized several times already) there will never come a day when she's able to turn her life completely around. Part of her issues includes being totally and utterly unable to respect boundaries so setting them is going to have to be as concrete as I can make it. She's so good at twisting words around to make them mean what she wants that I can't leave any room for error.
Since we have a very close relationship with BM's family I suspect she thinks she'll be able to get at the kids through them. Fortunately the family is very sane and strong and will not facilitate access to the kids unless we allow it. Amazing how one person can turn out so different from the people they came from. I will try to turn on the compassion for her but I can't let it go too far or she'll be running over any rules we set. ****ed if we do and ****ed if we don't. Sigh....
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I am sorry this doesn't address your actual question, I am just curious why the bio family members didn't end up taking the children when they came into care? It sounds as if you trust them with the kids and like them as well. Was it just too messy for them to deal with keeping the bio mom and kids apart?
Good question. The kids were actually placed with them first as a kinship foster placement. When it became clear that the BPs were never going to be able to take them back we offered to adopt them so they were placed with us as foster-to-adopt. We originally just did respite for them and fell in love with the kids. The grandparents had them for over a year and were amazing with them but they're older with teenage kids (soon to be empty nesters) and chronic health issues of their own so they felt the kids were better off with younger parents. Had we not offered to take them they would have adopted them and they are still the 'backup plan' if something happens to us.