adopting a preschooler, what should I know?

Congratulations, I know how exciting and nerve-racking the wait is! We adopted our sons, ages 3 and 6 at the time, internationally 18 months ago . We did not speak their native language, so they did have a language transition. I do think the fact that they were together helped them to feel more at ease, and they were both quite excited to be joining a family. I admit we have struggled a bit with attachment issues, but they are wonderful mostly well-adjusted happy children who are a joy to us. I would just suggest continuing to read as much as you can about older child adoption. We haven't dealt with any of the "big" issues but have seen them in smaller doses, and having strategies and resources to use in addressing them is very helpful, and also makes me feel like what we're going through is normal when I might otherwise feel overwhelmed. There isn't really a way to know what your specific child will feel or experience and it helps to be prepared and open to potential problems. Most of what I have read for various age groups can be modified to apply to my children at slightly different ages. I think the main difference with that particular age group is that a preschooler is striving to gain independence while still needing a lot from adults, and it can be hard to know how to foster their burgeoning skills while still teaching them to depend on you for their needs. If you will be homeschooling, you will have plenty of time to figure out what will work for you and your child in that regard. Gosh, I remember that waiting and wondering and how hard that time was. Good luck on your journey to your child!

Our oldest son joined our family three weeks before his 4th birthday. He had some minor attachment issues. We didn't let anyone hug/kiss/hold or take care of T for the first several months. I made the huge mistake of starting him in pre-k 9 months after he come home (adopted from foster care). At the time I thought he needed to have kids his own age to play with, but I think it caused him more harm then good. His teacher just couldn't "get it" that she should not cuddle with him during naps, reward him with hugs, and fuss over him. He began to manipulate her and cause all kinds of trouble. I really regret not keeping him home with me until kindergarden.So I guess my advice would be keep their world small for a while and give them plenty of time to attach before letting anyone else care for him/her.

Thanks to you both. In the book it said to "hope for the best but prepare for the worst", and I think that's good advice. From the descriptions of the behaviors that can occur as a result of an insecure or nonexistant attachment, I'm worried about three in particular: 1. temper tantrums, ie. loud crying or shrieking or screaming that doesn't stop for extended periods of time or in spite of our attempts to comfort the child. 2. sleep disturbances, anything more than a once a night waking, or night terrors. 3. the child's resistance to physical affection. I am trying to be as realistic as possible here and I'm reflecting on my experience with kids and how I've reacted in the past especially to the sleep disturbances and yelling/crying, and I do not handle them well, to say the least. I am trying to brainstorm strategies now bc I know my attitude won't magically change just bc this will be my child as opposed to my foster child, niece or nephew, or a child I'm babysitting. Sleep is very important to me, and I get extremely moody without a good night's sleep. I don't feel right asking my husband to share night duty with me, at least not long-term, bc he gets up very early for work and has a long commute. He needs to be safe on the road. When we fostered, he did in fact have night duty for the first month in spite of his work, but it wouldn't be fair for me to expect that from him again. I am not very pleasant or comforting when woken in the middle of the night. I know our child will need comforting, even at night, even if resisting, and I don't see myself suddenly turning saintly in order to accomodate. I also don't feel right trying to involve my parents, for instance having them come over in the morning to care for the child while I finally catch up on some zzzs, bc the child needs to attach to us first, even if they are his or her grandparents. Trying to stagger our sleep schedules so that I sleep when my husband is home to care for the child while I am "on call" at night so hubby can sleep is another option, however it would involve some sort of sleep aid for me, bc on top of needing a lot of sleep, I have a hard time falling asleep - at night, much less when the sun is still up. Then there's the noise factor. I suspect that I have what's called misophonia, which is an unnatural sensitivity to specific sounds. In my case, it's especially true right now for the neighbors' bass, or my dog's whining. These sounds drive me crazy, making it impossible for me to do anything else other than trying to figure out a way to stop the noise or leave. A child's crying is one thing, but screaming, yelling, the sort of "crying" that is not about sadness but anger or control, really frustrates me. I tend to yell in such circumstances, even though I know this is counterproductive. It's like a gut reaction the instant I hear one of these sounds I interpret as annoying. Clearly, I can't just leave my crying child and go for a walk to cool off! If my husband's home, he's great at handing situations like this. But if he's not, what do I do? The third, cuddle, concern is really a problem if the other two are present. If not, it would be disappointing, but not something I'd worry about. I'm reading now about attachment strategies. But if I am woken up in the middle of the night to a screaming child who won't be comforted, I don't see how I can put that aside and do what is expected of me, pretending I'm not being disregarded or rejected. In my head, I know it's not about me. But I know myself too well to think I can overcome what's in my head just like that. I need specific strategies, concrete plans of action, things I can fall back on if I can't just "take turns" with my husband on a given day. Any suggestions???

I actually think you have a really good start just by identifying your potential trouble areas. I hadn't thought about how I would feel being rejected by my children. I was only prepared to deal with how they would be feeling, and not what that meant to me. When our attachment didn't happen immediately, I had to deal with guilt and feelings of failure when I did struggle with my own selfishness and wanting to be loved back right away! I truly thought I was capable of loving unconditionally, but that is a lot harder than I expected! No one is perfect, and we all react badly sometimes based on our gut feelings and then regret it. The point is that you are going to making a conscious effort on an ongoing basis to take a breath and do what you rationally know you must do and not what you feel like doing. Parenting is a constant battle for patience and you will be capable of more than you think you are. Honestly, you will probably fail sometimes...but the point is that you will be reacting in a good way more often than not and that will become the habit. Parenting is exhausting, especially when you are parenting a child with a difficult background (and therefore difficult behaviors). Somehow you will find the strength. I don't know if you are religious, but I certainly call on my faith on a regular basis to get me through difficult moments and to remind me to look at my children as God's beautiful creations and not the whiny ungrateful tantruming child I may be seeing in that moment. I don't know any easy answers or solutions for dealing with these issues other than patience and finding time and help for yourselves from the people in your life. You will figure out how to balance that and just don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I know I didn't really answer your question with anything specific, but I hope that still helps. Maybe invest in a pair of noise cancelling headphones that you can put on with soothing music while your child tantrums if it comes to that. If your child wants to be held while crying, you can hum along quietly while rocking, and if the child needs to have a good fit you can watch to make sure he/she stays safe without having to hear the full effect of the fit.

My sons were 3.5 and 4.5 when they came home and did all the behaviors you are describing. Some strategies we used and I found helpful ...#1) Sleep issues. You have to expect this. In particular, my one son was up frequently, and had a very difficult time falling asleep. We had him sleep in our room. We aren't co-sleepers ;) but we NEEDED to sleep. He found great comfort in knowing he could come into our room, pull out the sleeping bag that was under our bed and sleep there if needed. In fact, he did that for years if he was having a bad night. Melatonin is a GODSEND as far as helping kids dealing with fears and anxiety fall asleep. It is over the counter, totally natural and most pediatricians think its totally fine. Also, even until 5 or 6 years old, our kids did a "quiet time" every afternoon for an hour and a half or so. They didn't necessarily sleep - but they did rest and play quietly in their rooms. And I could do the same thing. It's a fabulous routine to get into, and was an important time for me to recharge my batteries. #2) Tantrums. I had an epic screamer. Hours and hours at first. It is frustrating. And yes you will get frustrated - every single parent does. Get some of those ear plugs if need be. AND remind yourself it does get better - much better, with time. But kids are noisy. I too am bothered by annoying noises (and I have six kids) but have learned some coping techniques -- if I am tired I need it to be quieter, so I will save "cartoon" time until just before supper so I can cook in relative peace when I am stressed out and often tired myself. I moved our tv out of the living area for many years. Music calms me, so I often have music on in the background during the day. It also dulls some of the other kid noises :) As far as parenting dealing with tantrums - we were 100% consistent. We only said no when we really meant it and we NEVER gave in to tantrums - also we always did "time-ins" rather than time outs when the kids were first home. #3) Affection & Rejection: Pretty common as well. We did several things to make it more appealing to cuddle, or to receive affection - we wore soft, fuzzy clothing that was snuggly. Lots of flannel sheets on beds, fuzzy soft blankets on couches that attracted snuggling. Snacks hidden in our pockets that could be "found" and eaten. Lots of repetitive times like stories, movies, coloring etc that brought about engaged time together. Fun and sneaky affection times like going to a swimming pool together, lotion being put on, etc. MOST kids will want to be loved on (particularly at that age, it gets much tougher over the age of 6) and you should find their resistance to that becomes less and less. HOWEVER for me, during that initial transition time I found the constant touching to be EXHAUSTING. When you are dealing with a grieving kid alllllll day who does nothing but scream and wreck things, and then at night you are expected to CUDDLE with them, or be incredibly in tune and affectionate when its the LAST thing you want -- it's hard. I was so thankful our social worker had explained that was a possibility and a normal feeling - and that it would pass. It did - but ohhhh it was so hard at times.

Thank you both. I was really concerned about getting a response like I have in the past, along the lines of "reconsider adoption". And Jensboys, I'm definitely taking note of your suggested strategies, :thanks: