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I am 24 years old, female, and recently reunited with my real mother and my real father. My reunion with my mother and her entire family couldn't have gone better - she and I are best friends, share so many things in common, and only live a couple of hours apart. We see each other on a regular basis, and since her whole family (my grandparents, aunts, etc) all live within 1/4 mile of each other, I see all of them regularly. I call her "Mom" and the only reason I was given up is from lack of support and denial of paternity from my father at the time of the pregnancy.
My father lives in the same town as my mother, to this day. I was reunited with him as well, and he latched on to me immediately, and I to him. We became very attached very fast. We talked every day (though not excessively). He would call me in the mornings when we were both in our cars, away from our families, driving to work, and he would email me throughout the week as well. It did not take too much time away from his current wife and the two children (ages 9 and 11) they have together. His wife was actually the one who organized our first meeting and at first, was very kind, accepting, and loving.
After about a week or two of being reunited, my father's wife started being very mean to him about me. She was jealous and territorial. She would nag him about why he was talking to me every day. She obsessively read all his emails to see if one was from me, and she started going online to check the phone history. Finally, it got so bad that he ended up lying to her when she would ask him if he talked to me because he didn't want to put up with her attitude. He came to my hometown one day on business and we had lunch, and when his wife found out that he had done that and not told her, she flipped out (on Thanksgiving day, no less!) in front of their family. She got drunk, screamed and cursed, and threatened to take her car, so he had to take her keys and hide them. It got so bad that he told me we can no longer talk over the phone or email, and it's been 2 1/2 months. My heart is broken. I cared so much for my father, and his wife was so selfish and cruel. She deleted me from her facebook account, so I mailed her a (very nice) letter explaining my hurt and asking her to make amends. (Keep in mind that I was never mean to her and was only kind). She sent me a facebook message in response, telling me, in a nutshell, that I brought chaos to their family and not good, that she will not help me and my father to reunite again, and that my father made the decision to not be part of my life 25 years ago. It hurt like crazy, but I am starting to be able to deal with life again.
Any thoughts on this would be welcomed. I KNOW my father wanted to be part of my life, but his wife acted like a child over it and she doesn't want me around at all. I was nothing but kind to her and always included her in things. Keep in mind also, that all of this happened a month after meeting my father! This is very recent so the wounds are still new.
Has this happened to anyone, or is this typical? I want to badly to be in my father's life. I love him. I also hate being kept away from my two siblings. I had started to get attached to them (I saw them a few times).
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You are treating a 10-year-old like she's the "other woman".I agree that it was wrong for your husband to deceive you. I imagine he was terrified of your reaction and you proved his fears to be valid. I'm sure you are compounding the shame he feels for not being in a position to either parent his first born or the fact that an unplanned pregnancy happened in the first place. It's likely easier for him to just walk away from any relationship with his child and pretend it doesn't matter.Reading stories like this it makes me feel so fortunate that I have such an accepting and loving husband. He has encouraged me over the years to skip vacations so we can hire searchers to find my soon to be 30-year-old son. We recently made provisions in our will to accommodate my unknown son. I am so lucky that he and because of his examples, my daughters, don't compound the shame I live with daily.I don't blame his parents for wanting a connection with their grandchild and for loving her without restriction. They are advocating for a child's feelings over an adult's...I hope you come to terms about the existence of this child. Your future children may want to know their half sister someday and she won't always be a child but a grown woman who may want a connection with her natural father. Imagine the jealousy you'll feel then if you don't allow your heart to soften while she's young.She didn't ask to be born. She didn't ask to be relinquished to another family. She's not the enemy.
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You'll find as you grow up that everyone has to deal with things they didn't ask for in life. I'm sure your husband didn't ask for someone who would put her feelings above everyone else's in his family...sounds like he's dealing with it...just don't count on him not resenting you for it as time goes on.
I'm curious about what you are seeking coming to these forums?
I acknowledge that finding out about his daughter must have been a blow and a shock. It's understandable that it would hurt to find out that you will never be the mother of his first-born. But those are just facts. Denying her existence and encouraging a secondary abandonment of her only causes hurt for more people and won't make her disappear.
I hope for everyone involved that you can find a way to resolve your feelings.
kinmc87
I didn't ask for this either. That's all I have to say. I cannot put someone I don't knows feelings before my own. I just can't and its not right that I should have to.
Interesting...as the adoptee, I've spent 48 years now, being "defined", by something totally miserable, by the people who are supposed to love me, also known as my families, bio and adopted. I can tell you for a fact that we would all very much like to "move on", which in the minds of some, really means forget it ever happened.
In my 48 years of experience with, in, and living adoption, the funny thing is...it just never, never, really goes away no matter how hard people try to pretend it never happened. It's always there in the shadows of the back of their minds. If you don't believe me, ask my first parents. It's something neither of them has ever, ever "gotten over", or "moved on" from. From the view of outsiders, not directly in the triad, it may seem so, but the shame, the guilt, it's never gone away, no matter how hard they tried to "forget". I've spent the last 25 years feeling their shame and that guilt. The funny thing is that it really isnt so much the three of us who can't "move on". It is all those around us who wont "let" uss move on, because of their judgements, and their own insecurities. BTW, this is not directed at any of the Bdad's wives, just a fact of life for BPs and adoptees.
I feel sorry for BPs who feel "defined" by such a miserable situation. It always amazes me how easily the affects of the situation on the child are dismissed, so that adults can "move on", and that adoption is, somehow, supposed to be the magical "cure" for the feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. If only that were true, then every child ever born should be adopted.
It also amazes me the number of first parents who believed that placing their child for adoption would, somehow, save them from being defined by a miserable situation. If that were true, wouldn't we all be living happily ever after with a lot more adoptees in the world than already exist?And they say adoption is in the best interest of the child? Seems to me it's in the best interest of the adults in many cases; maybe even most cases.
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shadow riderer
It always amazes me how easily the affects of the situation on the child are dismissed, so that adults can "move on", and that adoption is, somehow, supposed to be the magical "cure" for the feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc.
And they say adoption is in the best interest of the child? Seems to me it's in the best interest of the adults in many cases; maybe even most cases.
I didn't ask for this either. That's all I have to say. I cannot put someone I don't knows feelings before my own. I just can't and its not right that I should have to.
I have shared these thoughts/opinions I have recieved on here with my husband.
It seems that everyone here feels that birth parents automatically feel connected to their birth children and that everyone involved must welcome them with open arms.
I can't say that I agree and my husband does not either. I guess maybe he is cut from a different cloth. He feels he is only connected biologically and the only parents she has are the ones that have raised her from day one. He does not wish for a relationship or involvement, however he would gladly answer any questions she has regarding her birth.
I keep getting the impression everyone thinks we are obligated to include her in our family. I am sorry, but I do not think that is the case. I'm sorry if any of my opinions have offended anyone, I am only sharing mine and my husbands thoughts, it does not mean anyone must agree with them.
kinmc87, What happens when you have children and YOUR children find out they have a half-sibling and they want to know that sibling? Will you tell them they shouldn't want to know the half-sibling? That they are wrong for feeling a connection or curiosity to know the other sibling? (again, not saying they will, or won't, but it is a distinct possiblity) I haven't seen anyone here say that he "feels" a connection - only that he is a father - and those feelings may or may not change over the years. Things can look very differently in 20 or 30 years. What people have said is that you just can't pretend it never happened because a child does exist. Families are messy - it seldom works the way you want it to work all the time. Sometimes you have to decide to just make it work with grace - or walk. Get some individual counselling so both of you can speak freely without fear of the other being offended. Kind regards,Dickons
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kinmc87,
I'm sorry that you were blindsided by the lie.
My advice would be to find someone- a pastor, friend, therapist and talk thru your jealousy and anger-your feelings are understandable. You dreamt about sharing the first kick of BOTH of your first child, that first dream of the future. He's had some of that already. But his child is innocent. She is a youngster and you are jealous and angry at the situation- not the child. She was the result of an unplanned pregnancy- most birth parents or their families didn't want the inconvenience, shame and bad timing of the pregnancy- but the child is not unwanted. How can a beautiful little baby be unwanted? Your husband should have told you he was a package deal, but he didn't. That's what you need to get past.
You mentioned that your husband said that he felt pressure to stay connected from his parents. Now he feels pressure Not to stay in touch. There will come a time when you have your own kids and his then adult daughter will write, call or reach out on facebook...you need to be prepared on how you will tell your kids, how you will support or not support your husband if he wants to respond.
If his family has been so involved with an open adoption- to the point where you met the child before you knew who she was- then this is not going to be a secret for you and he to keep. Your kids will learn about it from neighbors, cousins, classmates. Its a tough situation, but while he may not feel like a father or feel connected now, you have to prepare yourself for the future so that he feels comfortable sitting down and discussing the situation and not pressured one way or the other.
Its not fair to you to live in fear that a letter, call or post will happen- so assume it will and accept and prepare for it now.
Its not fair to your husband that he has to bend to his family or your preferences about his daughter. He may not feel it now, but that might change once he holds your child in his arms.
Most importantly, the best interest of his child is that she have a way to feel comfortable in being able to ask her paternal side questions and not feel like she is causing world war III.... she didn't ask to be born, she didn't ask to be given away. She has a fundamental right to know about her heritage. You all will have to come to decisions over time on how to answer questions as well as how to or not to include her in your family.
Good luck to you all.
I think your husband has to be true to himself. I was reunited with my birthparents and as time went on I found I was the one contacting them and it weighed heavily on my soul.
I was glad to meet them and to find out what I could about my heritage but the angst involved as they pulled away I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I think that if you and your husband feel the way you do right now it's likely that getting to know his daughter would only cause pain as things sit right now.
I guess you will have to cross the bridge when you come to it as far as what you will tell your children about their half sibling.
Take care.
kinmc87
It seems that everyone here feels that birth parents automatically feel connected to their birth children and that everyone involved must welcome them with open arms.
he would gladly answer any questions she has regarding her birth.
I keep getting the impression everyone thinks we are obligated to include her in our family.
Kinmc87,
I am not an adoptee or a birthmother, I was the wife of a potential birthfather who turned out not to be the birthfather. Since my last post, I have moved on and put this issue behind us.
All I wanted to say is this:- give yourself time to grieve. When my husband told me that there was a possiblity of another daughter, my initial reaction was shock and then anger at my husband. Also a profound sadness, I felt as if my heart was broken and my marriage was broken.
Looking back, I realised that I was grieving over my marriage, the way it used to be. Like any kind of grief, it will take sometime to get over the 'loss' and eventually come to terms with the new situation.
In your case, you have 'double blow', it must be very hard to find out that your husband has a child but moreso, that he and his family chose to keep this a 'secret' from you. The loss of trust alone is enough to derail most relationships.
Keep doing what you doing, couple and individual counselling and see how you feel.
If you have given yourself enough time, say 1 year or 1.5years, and despite your best efforts, you still cannot forgive your husband for his 'lies' (lie by omission) and therefore unable to accept his child, it may be better for you, your husband and the child, if you leave your marriage since you have no children with him.
Staying with him when you cannot forgive him will cause a lot of grieve to everyone, moreso to yourself.
It seems to me that your husband is a people pleaser. Usually if a person is a people pleaser, they may have other issues related to their childhood. So he may need to work on these issues.
Best of luck to you both.
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"It seems that everyone here feels that birth parents automatically feel connected to their birth children and that everyone involved must welcome them with open arms.
I can't say that I agree and my husband does not either"
Not everyone here feels that way. There's a whole world out there of birth parents raising their birth children who feel a lack of connection towards them and vice versa. It's not just an adoption thing.
My birth mother passed away before I found her but she had two other children, my half siblings. I feel a sort of connection to them but they feel no connection to me and so by their choice we've never met. For all I know they might not feel a very strong connection to each other. We're different that way. Before I married, the ability to feel a deep sense of connection topped my list of character traits my future husband had to have- in part for likeminded reasons and in part for the sake of "our" future unborn children.
"it must be very hard to find out that your husband has a child but moreso, that he and his family chose to keep this a 'secret' from you. The loss of trust alone is enough to derail most relationships."
Very wise words. It's a lot less threatening to put the focus on the adoptee/birth parent relationship than it is to focus on the bigger issue which is the broken trust. That's a tough one.
Greetings. I am writing an article about the impact of reunion on birthparents' spouses. if you are the wife or husband of a birthparent in reunion, I'd like to interview you. All names will be changed and kept anonymous.I am writing this article as a way to better understand my own difficult reunion.Thank you,An Adoption Researcher