Bio's bringing/buying inapproiate things

I tell our kids they need to wear their school clothes to school, and whatever they want (within reason) when we're at home. If it doesn't fit, it goes in their box in the garage and they know that.As far as the make-up, that drives me crazy! =) Our 5 year old foster daughter comes home with lip gloss (not chapstick) every time and CONSTANTLY applies it. I made a rule that she's allowed to use it one time a day and that's it. If I see her using it again (which she WILL), it goes away for a few days. I am tired of finding lipgloss on all of MY things because she is irresponsible with it.Sometimes, when they come home with other stuff that is inappropriate (huge bags of candy, toys they could swallow) I tell them that's a special thing and we can put it in a special place to make sure it's safe for them. If they ask for it, I give them one candy, or monitor them playing with the toy until it goes in the mouth. That usually doesn't last very long, and they forget about the toy or candy and move on to something else. I toss the candy after it's been in the pantry for a couple months, and put the "forgotten" toys in their box in the garage.

One more thing regarding the makeup- what I would do is go crazy with it on a Saturday, put tons of makeup on her, on the other kids, on you, dress up all silly, and then be done with it. Explain that at this age, it's for fun and dressing up, not for every day. Have fun with it, tell the relatives she used it... no stress, right? =)

This is an AWESOME idea about the makeup. Love. If the clothing is torn or stained, I agree that they can just wear it around the house, but explain that we don't wear ripped/torn/stained/ill-fitting clothing when we go outside of the home. If something is REALLY inappropriate (like, our 6 year old ffs used to get manga comic books that were rated M for mature from his bd), I would hand it right back to the bp and say "this is not an age appropriate gift" or "we don't allow that type of reading material for 6, 7, etc year olds in our house." If you're not comfortable handing it back to bps, I would just keep a box for that type of stuff and explain your rules to your fks. Explain that when they go home, they can take ALL their things with them. Good luck. It's hard dealing with bps who give a ton of gifts you consider inappropriate. But, at least they are giving gifts. My son never received ANYTHING from his bps, and my daughter only ever received clothing that didn't fit or was the wrong season. When bps give stuff I consider inappropriate (provided it at least fits and the child wants to wear it), I try to ask myself "Is it really going to harm them if they wear this around the house on a Saturday afternoon?" In most cases, the answer is no.

I put the inappropriate toys in a suitcase used when moving the kids to their next placment/back home. The lipstick for the 4 year old (roll eyes) "disappeared" one day. Thankfully my placements were young enough to not notice.

7 yr olds don;t get cell phones. It's probably not ok with the CW either. There are rules about who they can talk to and when and sometimes CPS does not want the child to talk with a parents unless it's supervised, so a cell phone is off limits. If she's allowed to keep it, make rules about it. She can only use it when she's in the room with you and once a day and put a time limit on it also. Cell phones can also be taken away if the rules of the house are broken. So if she doesn't do her chores, no phone. Clothes that are not unusable, go into a bin and are saved until they return home or go elsewhere. I would allow her to wear them inside the house , but not out if they are stained or otherwise have an issue. My FD has clothes she loves, but I find them too short or show too much skin on top, so she can wear them inside, but she can not even go outside and play in them. Makeup can be used the same way. Inside and on the weekends. Not to school or anywhere else.

The only red flag I have with those gifts is the cell phone. Thats an access violation and would be reported. DD's other mom brought her grubby clothes, make up, junk food, smelly old toys. If my (then) 5 year old wanted to wear grubby clothes to kindergarten - what's the big deal? She can wear what she wants. Fortunately, when given the option, she prefers to wear nice things. But if she's missing her other mom and wishes to express it by wearing some stained, illfitting clothes.. well no one's going to die. :p But that's me. Clothes and foods are 2 of the few things these kids DO have control over. So long as her butt's covered, I'm good with letting her pick her clothes The makeup gets worn at home. Well, "worn" is a stretch.. it gets slathered on until she looks like she has black eyes. Then she askes me to help her clean it off the stinky toys got washed, put in her room. They've slowly migrated to the basement. 15 months in, we're getting ready to actually purge some. But its her call. They were gifts from her other mom. No way am I making the call to remove them.

It may well be ok with the CW...and the judge could even order that the child be allowed to use family provided cell phone to keep in contact with their family. If your 7 year old were staying with another family for an extended period, won't you also want a way to communicate with him?

ladyjubilee: all my fk's (except last placment) had MY phone to use. First, there's no way to monitor who calls on a cell phone. I also monitored what was said. I'd also have a problem wth makeup but like someone suggested, do it on a Saturday where it can be "fun", then washed off.

In my case, all visitation must be supervised. That means NO cell phone. Having a child in foster care is not the same as them staying with relatives. But, yes, CW will be aware of the rules. They will be able to weigh in on the particular case

Well...in this case...the visits are ALL Supervised...and the cw Approved of the cell phone. It's one of those "trac"phones, and the bio dad pays for all the minutes. It started out where she was allowed to call dad every Monday nite...but now....her bio sibs are calling (and i'm really ok with that) and her dad is calling. The problem I have now is....it's NEVER ENDING!!! They call all times....everyday! Tonite she was talking with her sissy and I heard her say..."yes, give "so-in-so" my number (friend from former school), I want to talk to her too!:eek:

I guess I'll have to go over the "phone rules" again with her cw and see just what I "Have" to allow and what I can say "heck No" on.

This is how I've always handled it...I ask the case worker to say something to the child's bio family. If those items still get sent then let her know that you're sorry, but those aren't the kind of clothes she is allowed to wear at your house. And then set them aside. Yeah, she might get mad, but after a couple weeks of the clothes being out of sight, most kids would forget it's there. And about the phone, I tell my foster kids that I can get in trouble if they have a cell phone and that it's against the rules, then I set it aside so if they get placed elsewhere, they can take the phone with them. And the makeup, if it's the little kid type make-up and it bothers you to let her wear it, tell her that she can only put it on after school as long as she agrees to wash it off her face before bed. You can even show her how to put it on correctly, and use the opportunity to bond with her.

In LG's case there were supervised visits, but the judge still ordered that the kids be allowed to use the parent provided cell phone. LG was almost included in that order until it was explained that he is non verbal and doesn't really understand phones.