Kept it all a secret - now what?

I didn't keep it a secret persay, but didn't talk about it with my parents from the birth, until the reunion 18 years later. It's been rough, but worth it. I guess I've been lucky. I don't really understand your husband's reaction 100% (although I guess it's not unusual). He probably needs some adjustment time. I wonder if it would help that the first child you had with him is really the first child that you're raising, it's a completely different ball of wax. Maybe you guys need some counselling to help work through this. It is a HUGE thing. It's part of what has made you who you are though, and that's who he fell in love with, you know? Have you read "The Girls Who Went Away"? My son is just a year or so older than your daughter. I wasn't sent away, but boy did I relate to a lot of that book. Maybe if your husband read it, it might help him understand why you kept it secret? I really really do understand why you have. My reactions when I've told people have been extremely varied and most often awkward and in the worst case down right hateful. As to your parents, as to whether it's worth it. Those are decisions only YOU can make really. I got a lot of peace in getting to know my son. That said, it's been rocky, and brought up a LOT of emotions and feelings that I just wasn't dealing with before. A lot to think about! I wish you the best. :-)

In order to understand he needs to educate himself on the era that you can only do after you are well into adulthood. The book quantum recommends is very good and is still available although you will probably have to request/order it. I would also suggest he come here and talk to others as to the reality. Kind regards,Dickons

You know, I really struggled with the idea that all these "firsts" that were so huge and life-changing and meaningful for me, my husband had already been through with someone else (my son's biological mother). I don't know if I can explain it very well, but I really think that I had to grieve the loss of those "firsts" that could never be mine, and I really went through all the stages of grief about it (and anger is a stage in grief processing). For me, I knew I had to be able to come to terms with it before we could be married because I couldn't carry that burden/grief around with me in our marriage. For your husband, you're already years down the road, so he's going to be working through it right in front of you- which will be hard. The thought of him conceiving a child with someone else really shook me to my core. Though I know that for many people in today's world of blended families it's a normal thing that's no big deal, to me it was the biggest deal in the world, and he'd already given it away to another woman, and grief really is the best way to describe it my feeling about it. If he's open to counseling, I would really recommend it, for both of you together because it was helpful for me/us, to be able to have that time and place set aside for some really tough conversations, with the counselor really being able to be a moderator and make sure we stayed on topic and stayed respectful and could really hear each other. I don't think I will ever not be sad on some level that I am not the biological mother of his first child, our son we raised together, but I have learned to accept it rather than fight it, and to live in the joy that J brings to my life, to focus on the "haves" and not the "have nots." And then, when time for reunion came for us, for J to open his life up to include his biological mother, and I was faced with the reality of her presence in our lives, I went through that grief in all its stages, all over again. Your husband is facing both of those things, compounded by the secrecy, at the same time. It's a lot to take in. I'm not speaking about your husband's part in this because it matter more than yours or your daughter's (because it doesn't), rather just because it's the one that I know and can empathize with- the grief about the loss of shared firsts. I'm glad there are birth/first mothers here to support you who know what you went through and are going through now, and also adoptees, who know what it's like from their perspective. I'm simply adding my experience to the collection of voices who hope to be helpful in some way. Best wishes to all of you. I hope you can work through this all together, really.

I didn't tell my husband that I placed my son for adoption until we were together for about 5 years. I know that's not as long as you have gone, but nevertheless, his initial reaction was shock and there was some anger, too, and a feeling that he didn't really know me. These feelings did subside pretty quickly. The other thing is we didn't have children together (my son is my only child), so there wasn't this concern about not being "first." Many other people in my life knew about my son, too, so it wasn't like he was a total secret. I would highly recommend counseling. I think your husband's reaction is more from the initial shock of it all, knowing you so many years and now finding out this deep, dark secret. If your husband won't go to counseling with you, I would go alone. You will also need support in telling your parents. It's hard to say how they will react. They may be more supportive, they may be sad to know they were not told about their grandchild, it's really hard to know, and you may want to pace this to process first your husband's reaction before moving on to your parents. Reunion is overwhelming to say the least. Coping with that plus "coming out" with everyone at once may be a lot to handle at once. My advice is to take your time with this.

JJJMom, I can't help but get defensive on your behalf! I know spouses should share with each other, but this happened BEFORE him and was so traumatic for you. I can imagine him being hurt because you didn't feel like you could share this with him, but I can't understand the anger. It's not like you "did" anything to him - it's not like you cheated on him or tried to hurt him. You were traumatized! Would he be so angry if he found out you had "just" had sex with someone before you met him? Maybe I only feel this way because I experienced what you experienced. Can you make him understand that you were made to feel like you couldn't tell anyone??? I agree with the suggestions of others - he should read The Girls Who Went Away. Anyway, I just wanted to add my support. Don't all of us firstmoms have enough to feel guilty about???? Good luck with everything, Deb

Thank you all for your support and advice. I think time has been the most healing factor for my husband. He hasn't really been open to or interested in counseling, but as he's seen how difficult this has been for me we're finding that we're becoming closer as a couple than we ever have been. We told our 16 year old son that he has a sister - he was initially angry too, but after letting it all sink in he's come around and is interested in meeting her at some point in time. The next big hurdle was telling my parents. That was really tough. Neither one of them said much of anything - they were shocked. Later my dad came to me and told me that he was OK with it all, and if I want to continue pursuing a reunion he would be supportive and interested in meeting his granddaughter. He told me that my mom is having a harder time with this, as she's concerned about gossip in their small town. OMG! This happened 25 years ago!! I would think that as a mother she would be a little more concerned about me as her daughter than her own reputation as a parent. She's not speaking to me much - other than small talk. I'm hoping that in time, she'll come around too. Needless to say, my husband and the birthfather are both very disappointed in my mom's reaction. Thank goodness I have their support! Now I just wait anxiously to hear back from my daughter, in the hope that she'll be interested in a reunion now that the secret is out.

I'm really pleased for you that your family has been so supportive. You must feel like a weight off your shoulders. I hope things go well with your daughter. Good Luck! (though as others have said, counselling is certainly worthwhile)

And people wonder why we don't/didn't talk about it. Can you imagine if you HAD told your mom back then? If even after all this time, she is having that reaction over what the neighbors will say, I hate to think how she would have supported you during your pregnancy. Hopefully, she will come out of this mindset. It's really "old school" and honestly, if people are going to gossip about it, there's nothing that will stop it. I always figure people like that just need to get a life more than anything. Anyway, glad your husband has come around and your son, too. Good luck with reconnecting with your daughter. I've recently reconnected with my son and it's been really great.

Thank you so much for the update, jjjmom. I really appreciate hearing about it, and I'm glad your family is coming around and supporting you as the initial shock wears off. I'm still waiting for my bparents to tell their 2 raised kids, now in their 30s, that I exist. It's been nearly a year and a half since I found them, and they don't seem like they're making any movement toward telling them. Hearing stories like yours gives me at least some hope. I've heard from several bmoms on this forum that letting this huge secret out lifted an enormous weight from their shoulders. I hope it's the same for you (and, eventually, for my bparents).

I had thought I had alot to say about this but what it comes down to I guess in short is...What do you want and what can you live with? Too bad everyone else may not be on board but its your life and enough time has been wasted already! Go see your child and never let her go again! Best of luck to you!

So just another quick update - things are getting better with each week that goes by. I sent another email to my daughter, told her that I am done keeping her a secret. I told her that my husband knows, my parents know, and as the opportunity presents itself, we are telling other family members and friends about her too. I didn't tell her about my mom's reaction. I'm just hoping that time will heal that too, because in my mind she does need to just get over it. Hopefully when she has the opportunity to actually meet her granddaughter, she'll put her ridiculous concerns about "the neighbors" out of her head and she'll seize the opportunity to build a relationship with a truly wonderful person. Anyhow - I received an email back from my daughter :cheer: much nicer than the first email where she flat out rejected me. This time she seemed open to conversation and building a relationship. While the conversation was mostly all small talk at this point - I'll take it! I hope this is the beggining of a dream come true for me. Thank you all again for your kinds words of support.

Wow, I'm glad to hear this good news! Sounds like things are coming along. Small talk is fine, especially in the beginning. My son and I started out this way and it was a way for us to develop a nice foundation for our relationship. A lot of people jump in fast with the heavy stuff, and things get really intense very quickly. Not saying that is wrong, but for me, it would have been way too intense, so I'm glad I took my time in getting to know my son. I find personally it helps to take things slower and have some time in between to process the strong emotions that come up. We emailed for around 6 months before we spoke on the phone. That may be a long time for some, but I was glad we had that time. I wasn't expecting hard questions on our first phone call, but I was asked a lot of them! By that time, I was MUCH more comfortable, though admittedly a nervous wreck the first time we spoke. I have found the conversations get easier each time we talk. I hope you find that is true for you, too. It sounds like you are on the right track. What a difference from when you first posted! :banana: :banana:

jjjmom, Really glad to hear things are getting better for you. I second Peachy's advice on taking time to get to know each other - it is so easy to push for immediate satisfaction but you both have to get to know each other - just do what feels right for both of you... If you are concerned about not having enough to talk about via email consider trying to include a bit of who you are or something about your ancestors in each email... Things you love - hobbies, favorite color, food, tv show, type of holiday you prefer, type of book, ex. love to walk on the beach at dawn, you like Thanksgiving better than Christmas, you always thought about her but more so on her birthday, you are a better baker than cook - whatever is true for you and also keeps the conversation flowing...and for her to get to know multiple sides of you - I would expect she will give back so you both benefit... Or where your ancestors came from before they came to the states...any that fought in WWI or WWII, were they farmers, engineers etc - all those things are missing from our lives - whether it is something your daughter is interested in - only time will tell... And scan in some pictures of when you were little to compare... Kind regards,Dickons