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My DD and I have been in contact for the past 4 months, writing eachother through Facebook messages. It's still very new, and I don't feel like she and I have really found our own groove yet. The mesages that we send back and forth are perfect: we have a great deal in common and are very happy and eager to have a relationship. However, our timing is off, I'm the type who will write back within a few days while the words are fresh and life doesn't suck me into something else, while she takes her time and waits a few months before answering. Her mom had always brought up a concern of overwhelming her, and even though DD says she can't wait to start getting to know me, her actions say to me that she's still very cautious. I'm completely fine with it, I don't want her to feel pressured or rushed. I have sent a few quick messages in between responses to let her know that I'm thinking of her, or I like her pictures etc, and she seems OK with that. Before we had contact, starting with her 16th birthday, I used to send a birthday card to her mom for her, and her mom was supposed to ask if she was ready to have it. I have no idea if her mom ever followed through, she never answered when I asked her directly, and DD has yet to mention it. I still have her 18th birthday card from last year, since her mom was supposed to call me and never did and the F2F that we planned for last summer didn't pan out. Next month, DD will be 19. I haven't heard from her since right after Thanksgiving, and just last week, I sent her a message to say hello that she hasn't answered yet. I'm wondering, do I mail her a card? I have no idea if she even knows about the ones I sent previously, and I'm not sure I'll even hear back from her before her birthday. I'd ask her mom but she and I haven't really spoken since I contacted DD last summer (with her "permission") and I don't know how DD would feel about me asking her mom when I could just ask her KWIM? Any thoughts?
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Having been the amom in the situation, I think you should just send the card. You are in direct contact, and even if it's still new and somewhat irregular, you don't need permission to send a greeting card at this point.
For J, I KNOW that he has kept track of how many birthdays have been acknowledged versus not acknowledged. He was dismissive of her declarations of love this past birthday because there was no acknowledgment at all for the previous two. I'm sure M thought of him, but she did nothing. And J didn't read "she's not sure what to do" or "we're in a pullback so she doesn't want to or know how to reach out". He read "she can't get her act together to even send a card for my birthday if things aren't the way she wants them to be." That may not have been the case, but that's how his 19 and 20 yr old self felt about silence after the hubbub on his 18th.
What I have seen from J, is that even though it's now supposedly at an adult level and childhood is long gone, it still bugs him when she fails to act in a way that is somewhat parental, even if it's not the daily role. You know, just in a way that shows that she's thinking of him and acting for his benefit, rather than thinking of what she's getting from him. It's a somewhat selfish mindset on his part, but I can see that he did not respect that he didn't get that from her.
I understand not wanting to overwhelm her so she doesn't shut down or feel smothered. Trust me. I understand, because we've also been there.
BUT, a birthday card with a simple message of love and good wishes, is not smothering. It's not. I think where things are, it would be worse not to send one.
Just my humble opinion. :)
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Send the card. Full stop.
It's a card. I know I agonized over this with my grown son and in retrospect, I see that it was unwarrented to get so worked up about it. I wish I would have sent him birthday cards YEARS ago and not given it a second thought, just as I would send anyone else I loved and cared for a birthday card.
Send that card. You don't need her amom's permission, you don't need to worry whether or not she got the previous cards, or any other concerns surrounding this. Just send the card and start a new tradition with your daughter. We first moms should NOT have to worry and agonize over a nice simple gesture, and I can't imagine your daughter is such a delicate flower that a birthday card will overwhelm her, but assuming it did, do you really think it will damage your blossoming relationship? I don't think it will.
FWIW, my son seems to process things similarly to your daughter. I tend to get back to him right away, while sometimes he might respond more quickly, but others he takes much more time or doesn't respond at all. But he accepts my little "nudges" and then we seem to get back on track.
I agree. Send the card. At the beginning of my reunion, it really made my birthday seem special to get a sweet, not overly sappy, card. an email or phone call meant a lot too. It was nice to know I was thought of, and I didn't always respond right away, but the cards meant something.
I don't recall my Bmom ever actually "calling" on my birthday, which was softened by getting a card or call just before. The first time, after reunion, my birthday came and went with nothing, no card, no call, nothing from her, I was really hurt. The second time, it happened, I was angry. The thrid time, well, after years of my birthday coming and going with rare acknowledgement from her, if she does happen to send a card, well, it means very little now.
Send the card.
Thanks :) My gut says send it. I'm still a little annoyed with myself for not sending one last year... I had planned on speaking to her mom about sending the card directly to her, and then she never called, so I figured I'd give it to her in person and that never happened :rolleyes: Her mom isn't really a factor, I don't feel as if I need permission from her. I've tried to maintain the relationship beyond reunion, but aside from a few comments here and there on FB, she doesn't respond to me. Not my problem. But she did drill this paranoia into my head that DD is easily overwhelmed by this and I need to be cautious. I pooh poohed it when she told me that DD told her that I could write her but she didn't think DD could handle it. It took DD almost 3 months to respond, in part because DD said she needed time. I want DD to be the one who calls the shots, but I think she might be the same way as Peachey's son in that she's not going to take the initiative, and needs "nudges" here and there, at least right now. You are right, a b-day card isn't going to make her crumble :) Thanks for the perspective!
But she did drill this paranoia into my head that DD is easily overwhelmed by this and I need to be cautious. I pooh poohed it when she told me that DD told her that I could write her but she didn't think DD could handle it. It took DD almost 3 months to respond, in part because DD said she needed time. I want DD to be the one who calls the shots, but I think she might be the same way as Peachey's son in that she's not going to take the initiative, and needs "nudges" here and there, at least right now.
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