attachment parenting strategies

A lot will depend on the age of the child. My daughter was 2 1/2 when she came home. She was all over the idea of being spoon-fed but I don't think she would have been happy with the idea of nursing. For one thing, that kind of intimacy with her new mom was something that she was highly resistant to -- if I had known then what I know now, I would have held her more, in spite of her struggling, and given her small pieces of cookies or candy. It's the sweetness that helps with bonding as much as the holding. My daughter weighed 35 lbs so carrying her wasn't an option. Her inability to stay still even made picking her up for short times difficult for me. Of course, she did much better when other people held her, but there were times that she wanted me to pick her up. Unfortunately I wasn't willing due to back problems and my lack of understanding her true needs.

You might want to try a baby carrier that can go on your back. I can still carry our 3 1/2 year old (30+ pounds) in ours. Not for any distance, but for short walks and around the house. He loves it and it calms him down great.

My instinct would be to let the child lead. Be open to cuddling, co-sleeping, rocking, feeding them sweets while holding them etc. But, I would not force them to be held if they reisist. I have found that just being in the same room with my kids is comforting to them. Every child is different and has had different experiences. As far as bathing goes, I wouldn't. There is just no way to know if they have been sexually abused or not. The pool is just as much hands on and everyone is clothed. Get a membership to the YMCA or something. The most bonding times I have had with my big kids were teaching them to swim. Lots of skin to skin contact and them learning to trust me not to let them go under. A nurse from the NICU told me to dip the pacifier in a sweet liquid (honey if they are over 2) and let my dd have it while I rocked her and made eye contact with her. If you have a toddler, you could learn some infant massage. Our OT from early intervention taught us some. She also taught us some games to play that involve a lot of physical touch. They were games that my toddlers loved.

Carrying: I was eventually able to carry a 47-50 pound child, lovingly, easily. When he arrived, I couldn't pick him up (!) so had to be smarter than he was for correcting behavior. So -- how strong are you/spouse? You could practice with weighted backpack/ sling. For touch, there's calmly rocking and reading books, child in lap. If I was holding the child and he fell asleep, I just stayed in the same spot, for an hour if need be. There's playing "horsie", and if you have a trampoline, contact there.Nursing: Nope. If baby, I'm all for it, have a friend who did. You can use a baby bottle, esp. while rocking. Before fson was settled in enough for a bottle to work for him, I would take a sports bottle, but only pull the cap up part of the way, so he had to suck hard to get liquid from it. Sucking is very helpful for integrating the 2 halves of the brain, in addition to bonding. Joint baths: Nope. The child has just lost their culture, country, familiar people, foods, smells, even the way the sun looks, wind feels, plants, trees, sounds, *everything*. Asking them to hop in a tub with someone they've known just a short time (when they may never have been able to trust ANY adult) is just way too much. Way too scary. You know?: you're a strange, huge, moving object to this child. Only time will make you anything else. (Caring parent.)One thing I did w/ my fson (3), was wash his body with a washcloth, *except* his private parts, had him do that himself. ("Once on each side, once in the middle.") In some ways, every child resets to being zero emotionally when they come to your home. (This is in addition to being 7, 11, 24, and 36, which you will observe soon enough. They're a jumble of inappropriate ages.) Washing him I was able to be kind and gentle with him, which teaches *how* to be kind and gentle, and conveys love. I continued for a year and a half (his "arrival emotional age" 1.5), though some non-experienced non-adopters might've said "What are you thinking?", it was right for him. He really soaked up the nurturing.Co-sleeping: Very probably not, don't try unless infant. If I tried to get my little guy to lay down next to me on couch or twin bed to start a nap, he would jump up like scalded. *Very* scary for him. I found out later he'd witnessed adults having sex. (Very scary for him.) I don't know if he was sexually abused per se, but he was beaten, choked, kicked, etc. *Later*, after bonding, he wanted to sleep with me.AFA having the child sleep in the same room as you, it might be comforting, depending on the culture the child is coming from. Has the child been in a small home with caring foster parents for a couple years, many ppl sleeping same room? Or abandoned in a crib with almost no touch his whole life? Those 2 children are going to have very different needs/fears. One will be grieving the loss of caring loving family, the other may be afraid of or resistant to touch. There are lists of things to do to create attachment in adoption, have you seen them? For instance, you and husband are the *only* people to touch, pick up, hug child for a year, no big groups of people for "arrival", don't go anywhere for weeks. What attachment books have you read? What videos have you watched? Do you have a good attachment therapist lined up?

Thanks for the responses. They made me realize that the key to attachment with a child is going based on THEIR comfort level, and meeting them where they are. Also, the attachment parenting website doesn't really do a very good job of addressing how their suggested strategies can/should be adjusted for the newly adopted child. alys1 - I'm open to any additional resources I can get my hands on. Our education seminar focused on cycles of unmet needs, and we found that to be very helpful. That and recognizing and parenting to the child's real rather than chronological age. What video resources can you recommend?

Video which blew my sox off, these gals have both adopted, created this course. "Because They Waited". Hm, looks like it's an online course now, but you may be able to find a DVD copy to watch via an agency, etc.Course I've not seen from them, less expensive: "Wondering how to help your child transition into your home and family?":[url=http://www.heartofthematterseminars.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=186]Transitions, Developmental Challenges or Just Regular Kid Stuff?[/url]This book looks good: Becoming a Family: Promoting Healthy Attachments With Your Adopted Child by Lark Eshleman. It was rec'd here:[url=http://www.center4familydevelop.com/readinglist.htm]Attachment Disorder Therapy - Center for Family Development[/url]I truly trust those DDP (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy) ppl at the above link. They're not punitive and they heal lots of children. Check their article list:[url=http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpfulart.htm]Attachment Disorder Therapy - Center for Family Development[/url][url=http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Bringing-your-baby-home-from-the-orphanage--advice-for-parents/43]Bringing your baby home from the orphanage: advice for parents[/url]This guy has a great reputation, Ronald Federici, and is adoptive parent! Think his focus is Int'l adoption, lots to read at his site. You might even email with a question about this if you don't find it:[url=http://www.drfederici.com/]Family Therapy For Childrens Learning Disabilities - Dr Federici[/url]Karyn Purvis' book: The Connected Child I believe has tips throughout. Best of success to you!

Because they waited was the online education seminar we went through, and I agree, it was amazing, and every expectant/new parent should see it! Thanks for the other resources, as well :)

Follow the child. My ten year old (home for just shy of one year) sometimes wants to be rocked, bottle fed, sang to like a baby, wrapped in a towel and helped to dress after her shower, etc. (She did not let me see her naked for the first 5 months she was home, though.)

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