Considering placement of DS's bio brother... age six... any advice on ??? to ask

You say you want tough questions for FPs. I'd ask for teacher's phone number so I could talk directly with her. For *sure* would ask the FPs for the reality on this. What do they know?How long has he been with them? (You didn't say, so I wonder how well they know him.) I'd ask them to be as honest as possible, because if we go ahead, knowing the most about him could let us help him the most. I'd say first (imitating a great meeting I was at in another county....), you want to know what do they like most about him? What are his strengths? What does his best day look like?Then segue to "What are his challenges? What's his worst day look like? What do they like least about him? What are his worst habits/reactions/behaviors? Does he have diagnoses, if so what? If so, which do they think are spot on, which do they think are bogus? What diagnoses would they give him, if they could? What are their greatest fears for him (if any)? Greatest hopes?Are they experienced parents? (if so, details) Do they want to adopt him? If they could, would they? Do they think he fits well in their home? Do they think he's bonded with them? Will they grieve if he moves? Will he grieve if he moves? Do they think it would damage him to move him from their home? [You mention being worried he would never bond to you. If that's an issue, and he's bonding there, I would personally speak up in favor of him staying there. I would also want to know what his GAL and therapist think, do they think he's bonding there? Do they think he's got the potential to bond with you?]What do they think of bio-mom? If they could adopt, would they be open with her? What are the greatest challenges they think he has regards his relationship with her?What do they see in him when he plays with other children? The good, the challenges. What strategies do they use to help him? What are his interests, talents? As, is he good with his hands, artistic, good with mechanical things, loves to read, loves nature, (hates all above, ha!) Are they helping him explore those talents? How? I will say this, I had one RAD child in my home and I don't know how anyone could heal such a child with other children at the same time, he needed my full attention to heal, IMO. He WAS healing in my home. When I had to leave for a pre-scheduled business trip 6 weeks after he arrived, he (barely 4) was piling everything he could get his hands on in front of the door to keep me/us from leaving the home. (cute!) He wanted to stay in his safe cocoon with me. That is, there was significant bonding after 6 wks -- but I was working *hard* on it, as SAHM. And after the 10-day trip, contrary to my fears, our bonding just leaped forward. (because I had come back for him, unlike previous ppl in his life.) I had siblings, 3 brothers, 4, 5, 7. On day five -- the oldest let me know that he wanted to stay forever. In that case it was rather a miracle match, but also my place is rather magical for children, they tend to love it. 5 days.I had another boy, 12, in my home, in process of adoptive transition. I found out his fos-family wanted to adopt him: 3 little sons, 2 parents, lived in country... I ceded to them to try to make it work with him.So to me, the important thing is, What's best for the child? I could never bring a child into my home if I didn't think he/she would be able to bond, to attach. That is, to me, the *most* important thing in a child's life. It's the foundation for their future success or lack thereof. (And if they didn't, your life and your children's lives would be h e double toothpicks, as well as that child's.)I admire you for taking this so seriously.

Oops, I forgot: "Do you love him? Does he love you?" If yes, also inquire about other caring relationships he may have with them, with relatives, neighbors, friends, classes, professionals, etc.

Thank you Alys for such a great response. Definitely alot to get the a conversation going that really matters! I will ask that directly to the FPs. Since last Summer. I don't know if he has been in their family in previous placements though. All really good questions to focus on, thank you. This will be my first question in the whole conversation. As much as I believe in the biological connection, I believe in not breaking a bond if it is not necessary. We went through a situation in DD's family where they SW told us that the FPs were not interested in keeping the child we had been told needed a home, and later we found out that they most definitely wanted to keep that child. A child they were entirely bonded to. This is a primary concern of ours. What do they think of bio-mom? If they could adopt, would they be open with her? What are the greatest challenges they think he has regards his relationship with her? This is our greatest concern. Thank you. We want to make the right decision for him and for the children already in our family. I've wondered too, about how his bonding would be affected by having siblings in our home who are already completely bonded to each other, one of them being his own brother who has been our son for almost five years (his whole life). And concerns about how his mom (our son's first mom) would treat both boys, as she is completely bonded to the son she has parented (and wants LOTS of access) but hasn't wanted anything to do with the son she placed. It's complicated. Thanks again.