Are we totally crazy?

It's not generally recommended that you disrupt the birth order of your kids, but there are some that do it and it's not a problem. Obviously just something to consider as you go through the process! As far as the attachment per the age range you listed, I don't know that it will make that much difference given these age ranges. I feel the greater difference is say between 0-5 vs. 13-16, kwim? Given the tween/teen ranges, I think attachment & issues will greatly depend on the individual child & her history. A 9 year old with a much more violent abusive history will have more issues than a 16 year old who didn't, imo. So to me, I'd be looking for a child that shares a lot of the same interests & personality traits as your family does. Meaning, don't take a placement of a child who hates sports & being on the go if that is what your family is all about. Or if the child's temperament is vastly different, it's a consideration. The best fit for the child is really important especially since there will be 4 siblings to build relationships with too, let alone new parents. Keep reading everything you can! What kinds of things did you learn in your classes?

Our classes basically covered generic things about the foster care system. We had a little bit of training on attachment (nothing like what I have heard/seen on this website and books that I have read), grief/loss, and watching 2 48 hours shows dealing with the legal process of terminating parental rights, and a day in the life of a social worker. Really I feel totally unprepared. I wish there was more information/training on adopting older children..

We will be disrupting the birth order! :evilgrin: Our daughter is 5 and our son is 14. Age is less a factor than issues. We can not take an severly aggressive male because of safty of young one. Sexual acting out is out too because of both. Its not fair to our son if our potential AD would come on to him. Other than that our caseworkers (both foster and adoption) seem to feel that many kids thrive as a middle child. Each child will have attachmant issues - we have a great therapist who sits on the forum for attament therapy nationwide. She is great and will tell you that the age is less a factor than the history. Also, you can say no to a placement or match but won't get asked if you have already ruled out a age range or impairment level. We just took a short term emergency placement outside of our original age range and impairment levels. Tell you what, we have just (today infact) amended our license to become more flexible after that amazing experience. :love:

That was our view exactly. We had a 18 mth BD and an 3 year old BS when our oldest son joined our family at 9. We had specifically been looking for a child between 8 and 12, wanted to have some distance between a new child and our then oldest son. Also wanted to be aware of what issues we were going to see and thought that an older child would have more firm diagnoses. It has worked out very well. They took some time to mesh as brothers and sister, but are now very clearly siblings. The two boys are especially close and play together frequently. It's helped my oldest son by making it acceptable to play at an age level that may be closer to his developmental age. My little ones really look up to their older brother. He's also been taking the role of bigger brother more seriously recently and doing a lot more to help them (reading to them, helping with skating, keeping them safe when I have my hands full). My now middle son had the hardest time adjusting. But I don't think that was birth order, more personality He had a harder time adjusting to having a little sister. Big brothers are at least interesting.

I agree - issues, personality and past experiences are more important than age. Yes, they generally say older children have more issues, but usually because they may have had more bad experiences than a baby (maybe)My girl adopted at 10, is less affected than my girl adopted at 8. Not a big difference granted. I think in their case it comes down to two things - personality, and the fact that one of them had a stable period near the beginning of their lifeI would think an older child who had been well cared for for several years, and then their family circumstances went right downhill, would be better off than a younger child who had been seriously abused their first couple of years then adopted - because the first 3 years are the most important generallyI would think carefully about age gaps - adoptive children tend to do better when there is a bigger age gap between them and other siblings, although not always of course. Also think about birth order carefullyI don't think there is a huge difference between your two age groups. If you soul search and feel comfortable with both, then maybe look at both groups not just oneI think the things these children need the most is consistency, structure, empathy, flexibility and nurture. It isn't easy, adopting mine is the hardest thing I have ever done. A good amount of parenting them is "well, that didn't work, think of something else" and "oh, crap, another walk of shame coming!"Still, its the best thing i've ever done!

I have adopted 4 children and they ranged from 5-9 years old- I truly believe u r going to have problems no matter what their age unless u r very lucky. All four of our children have issues and two have been arrested on battery on my husband and I, one sexually molested our son, and 3 of the four r not talking to us because they state we are bad people. Our last adopted child is on medication and is very distant. We have loved our children and have made sure they have received all types of care. I know all children are different but I know many adoptive parents who have stories like mine and some r even worse- we are so tired and have changed dramatically because of these children- we do love our children but u may want to really look into putting ur other children through this- if u do go forward please put safety checks in place and make sure they go to counseling and talk a lot about family issues and how families are supposed to run. I do love adoption but u do need to think about all issues that may arise! Bless u and ur family!

:laundry: You appear to already have your hands full. However, you know what you and your family can handle. You stated you wanted to adopt a child near your older daughter age. Do not adopt to have a playmate for your daughter because these children have been through so much and may not have nothing in common but age. I would advise being a foster parent to the child first, to ensure the child is a match for your family. You sound like a very loving parent who enjoys a big family. whatever you decide to do let God lead you. Adding another child to an already big family will defintely be a big change. Especially with the different age group. God Bless you and your family.

I advise staying open to both age groups you are interested in. That way you can really focus on personalities, history and needs instead of a smaller age range.