What made your OA good?

Exactly Beth! So easy to stand on one side of the fence and say 'oh look how green it is on the other' but the truth is, it isn't. I know how I feel and the complications I dealt with as a child, and I have heard from a couple of other OA "kids" who have identified with posts I have written, but I have the exact same issues as closed adoption adoptees. It didn't change any of that for me. I understand the feeling of neither here nor there, ghost kingdom, the lack of understanding WHY - all of it. I think for me, it came down to this - I didn't have to wonder what I was missing out on. I got to see what I was missing, over and over. It was heartwrenching for me.

Both sides of the fence seem to have briars and poison ivy to deal with. I got a taste of seeing what I was missing, during reunion, as an adult, with adult feelings and knowledge of the world. It's not easy! Still isn't easy when I'm with them. It's a constant loss felt. Going thru that as a kid, good grief, I can only imagine how heartwrenching, confusing and complicated it could become. I can't see comparing which is worse, not knowing/knowing people. Both have similar difficulties, why measure which could be worse, or better! Neither is any sort of a magical fix for being exiled from your family. who, what when, where is needed, the why seems to be the hardest for most to conquer regardless of how much is known.

I can understand your feeling of loss. This summer there was a small family reunion and couldn't help feeling like a guest at some other family's reunion. It was odd. I agree that there is no comparing. Apples to oranges type of thing. Even the who, what, where when stuff became convoluted for me as there were so many adults trying to spare the feelings of a child, the versions were all different. : ( I so agree that none of the answers are a magical fix.

I got slightly different versions of the story from people all at once, 40 years later. Some of the people were trying to spare feelings with what they shared with me, an adult. I understood, but I wanted to know the truth. It sure does take a lot of thinking time trying to piece all the stories together to get to what really happened. I spent my life before reunion making up possibilities of what could have happened with everyone, very time consuming/draining - most of it was totally wrong LOL Getting the stories (and excuses) all along - how exhausting.

Thank you for this great thread. I really enjoyed reading through the honest comments from both sides. :D

Beth, Here are the words that you wrote that stood out to me: truth, thinking time, time consuming, draining, exhausting. How I've lived that too. All of this processing. Years of time spent pondering the happenings, the events, the lies, the secrets, the messages and how "draining" it has been. The first time I remember being tired in life, I was eight. 8 years old and I felt old and tired. It doesn't matter if it happens at 8 years or 48 years, all roads lead to Rome. Utterly exhausting to get to some truths. And then more processing ... neverending.

Never ending processing sums it up for me! I know not everyone processes things the same, or even feel the need to spend much thinking time on it. I can't imagine that, I've had times where I chose not to think about it, or at least tried not to, maybe forgot about it for a while. I do have an on/off switch. I guess I like the switch on, I've found that some things don't always work so well in other parts of my life when the switch is off. I'm a thinker, I like to consider everything before I am happy making any decisions, forming opinions or making a move or keeping still. Until I think I've covered everything well enough for me - I'm in undecided on the fence limbo land. I'm a project type person. I start many at a time, and don't give in, unless I find it's not even a possibility, and even then I might take a couple more whacks at it. I've determined how I will think about many things in this way. A project to me for example can be inventing a self cleaning bathroom (like a dishwasher) It's taken me years to develop, years of trial and error, learning new processes, learning about new technology, inventing new technology, thinking out of the box, failing over and over, and over. I have thought about this **** thing and worked on it for over two decades. I finished this part of the project, I get to see it in completion and choose marketing techniques to get it on the market by the end of the year. It is morphing into a new part of this big project. It's still with me... Other projects I have chosen to think about in detail are my husband and kids, our family. I think, I process, i worry, i panic LOL, I take action when needed. other projects, my adopted family relationships, our family of friends, our businesses, our home. Another, my original family, I continually process who what when where - why and any other facts I stumble on. There is a lot of research involved to be processed in this project, far more than any other project I've chosen or have had to take on. I can't see an end to it, even after I'm dead it will continue with my kids, and my sibs kids. It's their project too. I want to get my patent on it and move it into production, for my family so they won't have to work on this project as much as I have, before I drop dead! Like with genealogy research, to do it "right" you need to learn about history at the time and place, social behaviors, human behavior, all kinds of stuff, far more than a picture or persons name, occupation, and place and dates of birth and death. I spend entirely too much time with this project in the back of my thoughts. I pick up puzzle pieces here and there, then process and move forward with new info. Some would say I dwell on history, the past. They obviously haven't thought about my projects enough :) Without knowing details and having an understanding of past history, this project would be put up on my shelf of unfinished projects (again, not like it hasn't been there before!). One thing most open and closed adoptees have in common - Our original birth certificates are sealed to us. If anyone is really worried about making things less stressful for adoptees in general - this would be a thing to fix ASAP.

I identify with so much of what you have said. The on/off switch - yes, for me it's in the form of distractions. I'm the queen of distractions which have allowed me to focus on almost anything except being adopted for so many years. But then, I have a problem with distractions from distractions - almost ADD. So nothing lasts. It's just this fluid movement from one thing to another. Constant. Studying adoption, writing about it, connecting with others for the last 6 months is the most time I've spent on any "project" but I don't see this coming to an end. Too far out of the "fog" to turn back now. :) There is a reason, we as adoptees dwell on history and the past, I think. Obviously we are trying to connect to it. Find some beginning that leads to 'us' if that is even possible. I like how you mention that you like to consider everything. I wonder if this is true for many adoptees - trying to find the big picture through many details. Always looking for more clues to the puzzle. Endless. And you are not kidding when you talk about sealed birth certificates. I've been trying for mine since May which I realize is a short amount of time compared to others. Regardless, it doesn't seem like I'm close at all to getting it. I did the adoptee rights demonstration this year and made so many connections. Sad that we haven't been able to access this important piece of info for all. Too many have passed before they could reconnect. Too many have died before they could find out their family medical history. Just completely sad. But if an adoptee is anything, it's resilient - we won't give up!

My off switch works with this thought: Keep Moving. And with that switch off, the main breaker, it's off for nearly everything and everyone. Keep moving, keep busy, what one man can do another can do, never give up. I always liked this quote for the history thing, and I think about it often when I am working on genealogy research: Those who do not look upon themselves as a link, connecting the past with the future, do not perform their duty to the world. - Daniel Webster I've learned so much from my research of the past and the present - and the language. I can happily pick a word to pieces. One word can lead to so many places to discover and explore. "Mother" leads me to unlimited places, I am still studying "mother", it's added great understanding to my world by studying it in depth. I've been working on my big picture puzzle of the entire universe and all that's in it for sooooo long. I find pieces everywhere, all the time. Always moving, searching and pondering to figure out how life can work. It's not all about adoption :)

See what you get for studying LOL wisdom typically lifts the fog.:)

Yep, the fog is long gone! I can understand your longing to make connections, find your link and expand your understanding. I've talked to a few adoptees who seem to have the drive to figure it all out. I don't know. Maybe all people do, but so many of us adoptees just seem to be intensely focused. I am too. I don't really study the words so much, though I am focused on language. Especially the language used within adoption. But I am still stuck on the 'why' of it all. I just can't come to any conclusion that makes much sense. That's my word recently - stuck. Stuck on thoughts. Stuck on language, names, replaying scenarios in my mind. It's been quite frustrating.

Hi, I've got the experience of being an adoptee and having given up a son for adoption. As an adoptee I started talking to my bmom when I was 15. A few weeks ago, I saw her for the first time in 11 years. Contact was something I wanted starting as a teenager and my younger bro and sis grew up knowing about me. We now have a relationship and are getting to know each other. The serious questions didn't really start until I was a teen. My son is growing up with relatives and I know he has had questions about where he came from, because I'm around him and my aunt and uncle know me, he is able to get those answers. It really depends on the situation but it's probably a good idea to wait until the child is old enough to hear the whole story. Knowing for sure your bmom loves you is never a bad thing. Good luck! It gets easier....

My account was banned from Adoption.com as "Rude to Admins" because I had requested a thread to be removed. After they had not removed it, I requested again, and then again. The owner of this site apparently do not care about privacy, they only care about being paid by selling ads. They also deleted my posts saying such. A WARNING FOR ALL - DO NOT USE OR POST TO THIS WEBSITE - ITS A FRAUD. To protect the privacy of a MINOR, I again request removal of this entire thread: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-parents-awaiting-their-first-contact/416664-waiting-knock-door.html[/url]

As an adoptive Mom I say thank you to all of you adoptees who have given us your thoughts. I'm in an open adoption and I appreciate your responses. Please keep them coming.

I know this is a very old thread, but ..... They were never "in the picture," but I always knew who they were. That means I always knew who *I* was, and that was extremely important. With the advent of services such as 23andme.com, I'm now able to learn more about my genetic history -- something that wouldn't be possible if I didn't know where I came from. I was able to ask this of my birth mother when we got together in my early 30's. I'm not sure I believed her explanation, but we at least had the chance to discuss it. My birth father walked out on the family, and freely gave up his parental rights. According to pretty much everyone, he was a real S.O.B. Still, I would have liked to meet him once (though not unaccompanied), just to fill in all the details. The openness wasn't an issue, except that because my adoptive parents knew my birth mother (I was adopted within the family), they held her in low esteem and didn't hesitate to tell me that. And because I was her child, they held me in low esteem as well. That said, I'd never trade the knowledge of my own birth family for the secrecy of a closed adoption. I do wish that the state where I was born would do the right thing and give me my original birth certificate. Even though I know every piece of information listed there, and both birth parents are deceased, the document is sealed and unavailable to me. .