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My husband and I have a 16 year old foster daughter who has been with us for a year. We also have a two year old son who we've never left overnight, and I'm 4 months pregnant. We decided to take this weekend to spend some time together on a mini "vacation" to a casino about an hour away. Our foster daughter had to go to respite, and our son is going to my parents' house. My parents offered to watch our FD but our agency doesn't allow it unless we pay for background checks and fingerprints for them. Long story short, foster daughter has a long history of lying and manipulating. We've continually tried giving her an inch and she takes a mile. We've been very clear with her that she has a long road in front of her to earn our trust back. Smoking, lying, stealing, promiscuous behavior.. you name it, we've dealt with it.We had this talk with her about three weeks ago, then let her spend most of the weekend with her friends, and she made a few horrible decisions and then lied about them. She was confronted and STILL lied about them. We have taken our foster daughter on every family vacation we've gone on, we take her out to dinner, bowling, to do family things, etc. There is nothing our son has gotten to do that she hasn't. We treat her like she is biologically ours. What she doesn't "get" is that we have baby #2 on the way and we desperately need a break not only from her, but from our two year old. To be quite honest, we plan on doing this at least a few times before the baby is born. We desperately need this time together. Now she's texting me that "This isn't fair! This is my spring break and you get to go have fun! You never let me leave the house!" Etc, etc. I know she's just saying these things because she's angry, and I've firmly responded by telling her that we're the adults, we make decisions in her best interest, we will not justify our decisions to her and as adults we need time together alone. She's at respite right now and is already contacting the case manager making up what I assume may be lies about the respite foster family so she can get moved. We found out her motive is that she thinks she can spend the weekend at her friend's house, which is out of the question. But no matter how confident I am in our parenting abilities, I feel that our relaxing weekend is turning into stress! I can feel my blood pressure raising, I'm stressed out and am very annoyed with this situation. To all you really experienced foster parents, is there a trick to not letting a teenager get to you? She has me in a horrible mood, and we try to choose our battles with her to make it easier to live in the same house. But this is just too much for me to be able to go enjoy our weekend. I know respite "stinks", I know it's not fun, but she's got it pretty easy at our house and all we want is a few days without this stress! Please please help. I would love to get to the point where this stuff doesn't bother me, but I'm not there yet....
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I so identify! I am eagerly waiting to read the responses you get! I have a 14 yr old daughter I adopted from foster care when she was 9 yrs old. She's big-time into teenage rebellion and sneaking and doing things she should not (such as going in a car full of 14-16yr olds all of whom were drinking) and escallating terribly whenever I try to maintain any limits on her. Luckily mine is on probation so I can threaten to call her probation officer when she refuses to come home. But how to deal with the stress and drama at home, gee whiz, I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.
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Shut off or just hit ignore on ALL of her texts---seriously! By responding in any fashion you are reinforcing the behavior and the power it gives her. You have told her the plan, she is in respite care---go enjoy your weekend. I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you get home. Take back your power and remember---feeling guilty is a choice. As we tell our kids---"Make a good choice" :).
I am a foster parent. I know that behaviour is so totally typical and what she is saying 'not fair' is really a pat on the back towards you, really. She doesnt know how to give herself sensible boundaries right now and you are, so sad, too bad for her. But it is really tough love. Don't feel a bit of guilt for taking much needed rest away from all the drama of your teen. One day she will look back and understand what you are doing. She needs to have her text machine (cell) or iphone or whatever, taken away if her iron will doesn't calm down some.
It is all privileges. Authorities need to be pre warned about the manipulations that she can pull, and after documentation of all, beforehand, that is all that can be done.
Just know that across states and countries even, teens are rebelling and finding themselves, in the same way and support groups are a blessing as no matter what they can trigger the best of parents, and noone remains unscathed from the constant black cloud of a pouty teen. They lose themselves in the culture out there and a close watch and knowing where they are and what they are up to is so necessary. Awesome mom you are.