found out my birth father died 8 years ago...

I'm so sorry. No advice, just sympathy.

Babyhart, I just want you to know that I do understand. I am in a similar position in that my birthmother died at a young age before I could ever meet her and it is hard coming to terms with it all for a variety of different reasons. I will send you an email.

I'm so sorry. I wish there was more to say that would comfort you.

My heart goes out to you. I've known I was adopted from an extremely young age, I believe around five or six years old. What I didn't know, and found out a few years later was that my biological mother had died about six months after I turned 4. I'm almost thirty now, and I still have a hard time knowing that the one bio-person I know the most about, is dead. I'll never know more than I do now, which I believe is more than most adoptees who've made no contact, but that chance was still taken from me. I think the only lesson I've ever really learned and been able to square with myself about concerning being adopted is this. If it helps you, wonderful, and I welcome you to take it with a huge grain of salt... Sometimes it has to be okay, that it's just not okay. I wish you all the best.

That is very true... Btw I am sorry to hear that you also lost your birthmother young. Two things that helped me were: 1) Finding out as much as I can about my bmother 2) Getting to know rest of bfamily (uncles/cousins) 3) When I first came on these forums, I read this particular subforum: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/grieving-death-birthfamily-member/[/url] Just knowing that other people understood really helped.

Not to hijack this thread but in response to the other thread you (Caths) mentioned to me about your own personal story, I feel justified in commenting about it in this thread because it's all about dealing with the grief of loss concerning a parent. In my adoptive family, I have the good fortune of having some very wise folk, one of whom is an art therapist. We've talked indepth about grief and the beauty of the subject is everyone grieves differently. Period. There's no rote mantra you must say every day while smearing frothed egg on your head and dancing a jig for three weeks straight to "get over" something. It takes what it takes, no more, no less. There is no specific time period by which you must have completed all of your grieving. In fact, you don't ever have to "Get over it" at all. And that's okay. It's all totally okay. If someone tells you you're weird or bad or stupid or over-emotional, then pity the fool. Pity them because they have the emotional weight of a wet cotton swab that they can feel so minutely. Your grief is your own to be dealt with as is necessary for you. Some people need therapy to help them work through it under the safe guidance of a trained professional. Some people can throw themselves into community or outreach work and simply help others with their problems to numb the pain of their own. Some people can stick it in a hundred nested boxes, close the lid and never reopen it again. Flip-side of that coin is, you yourself won't even know how long it's going to take you. But please, try not to put irrational limits on yourself. You may wake up ten, twenty, thirty years later and realise you still have so much mire to wade through because you didn't allow yourself the room to run the whole course. There are days I live my life in 15 second increments. It's hard, it's painful, it's frustrating, it's infuriating, it's bothersome, it anchors my very soul. But that's what it takes, and by the grace of Brigit, somehow I'm still here for the next 15 seconds. Love you all.

I am sorry to hear about your loss..I myself found out that my birthmom passed 4 years ago. I am still upset about it. I wish I would have searched sooner so that I could have met her. Its a strange feeling...grieving for someone you have never met. I hope to have contact with my birthfather though. I wish you luck my friend..if you need to talk I am here, I understand what you are going through right now.

My brother looked 20 years ago. The laws changed and he found his bithmother when he was 40. His father had recently died. How can you mourn for someone you never met? Find the brothers and sister...his children...and heal your heart.