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Our family has a very tragic situation that has only gotten worse over the past 3 years. I am new to this forum, I joined because I have exhausted all other measures from those who truly don't understand. We adopted a sibling group through the foster care system in 2008. Like many other families who adopt this route, we were not told the "truth" about the siblings. The oldest is now 10 years old. For the past two years, he has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals due to extreme violence and sexual perpetration on his younger sister. Bear in mind that all our children have been in therapy for years. At one point, I refused to pick up our son from a psychiatric hospital because during a pass, just the week before, he attacked his sister, threatened to kill her and touched her sexually, all in our presence. These siblings truly should not have been adopted together. It's too tragic for the oldest child. The facility he is at now, recommends that he be placed in a home with no children or where he is the youngest child. He has exhibited the sexual and violence issues there as well. We have 3 younger children. As heartbreaking as this is, I know this would be best for him. We've lost our home, filed bankruptcy and lost everything, trying to raise him and keep our younger kids safe. Can anyone who has been there please give me some advice? I work with special needs children for a living and know what it takes to raise special needs children. However, this case is unique due to the sibling trauma connection. Please, no hateful remarks because our family has endured enough negative remarks from family and child services.
Thank you so much.
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As a senior adult orphan of 61 years, I vigoursly try to inform people of the inside workings of an orphan. But few regard the "orphan" as an expert in the area of orphans even at my age. We're just starting to realize some success in warning, advising, and helping people who are wanting to adopt or people who have already adopted and are having problems. Most psychologists and therapists still have ignored, asked, or not interviewed the orphan to see what's going on inside the orphan mind and soul. A majority refuse to believe anything but love and hugs is the only way to resolve the cute little baby orphan. Anyway, so much for the disclaimer of what's to come.
Orphaned at 3, adopted at 4, dumped by my adoptives at 19, separated from my brothers and sisters, I immediately went to what I call the "orphan war chest", a chest issued to all orhans at being abandoned. From the start of the age of 3, my orphan war chest contained hatred for my peers at the orphanage, and when adopted by strangers, I reached into my war chest many times and pulled my "anger and rage" sword and lashed out to all who got in the way. I put that sword down and closed it forever at the age of 40. And my blood sister and I have been trying to inform people that nothing has changed. You have reached into the life of somebody else's blood line, raising someone else's kid and footing the bill. I never bonded with my adoptives and few others, and I advise other orphans and people of the orphan triad that hopefully all will go well with your adoption, but if it doesn't, there's not a lot anybody can do but let time heal the deep scares caused by somebody else's irresponsibility.
Helpful thoughts. The orphan mind will eventually calm down but only the orphan will know when that will be. It was 40 years of age for me. But my sister, 63, is still fighting it. Some orphans solved their problem of identity quicker than others. The adoptive strangers did their best but all have passed now. Our biological parents have passed now too. On Ancestry, we are trying to sketch in our 58 years of lost heritage and what we have found does not make us happy campers. The truth is never far behind.
So there's the problem. At the point of birth. The hate and anger takes a heavy toll on adoptive parents and all involve including or eventually the legal system and the police. There are few who know themselves well enough to take on an orphan(s) and survive. But long term tenacity, patiences, and committment are good tools against the rage and abuse. Check with moms who have more than one orphan and have had success with the problems. Orphans can gang up on adoptives and play their tricks on them. Be careful with the adoptive parents who say all went very good with their orphan. More than likely their orphan is younger than 8. This forum is good, but will never replace a good orphan therapist. There are therapists out there who know and expose us for what we are, orphans. And they know how to treat the problems. A psychologist solved a lot of my battles but late in life. I was lucky.
Your post was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. I am sure it's not easy to talk about. I do hope my little boy makes it through because he has a lot to offer to this world. The unfortunate side is that he has such hatred towards his bio sister, whom we have also adopted. We've been through a lot of therapy, but yet, he still struggles. He'll be hospitalized and have some success, we bring him home, then he regresses after spending time with his sister. We've done our best to seperate them but it's hard to do that when you live under one roof.Thanks again.
apgmom,
Our family has been in your shoes; and, like you, I was well versed on how to teach and deal with children who have Behavioral disorders/attachment issues. However, nothing could have prepared us for the %Y$* we went through dealing with some of the older children.
To me, the bottom line is the fact that in trying to help 'one', you're actually putting 'many' in harm's way. The system certainly doesn't like to look at it this way; but indeed that IS the reality for your family.
I would highly suggest that you contact an adoption attorney to see what may---or may not be allowed within your particular state. It may be you'll be allowed to place the child within a residential facility. While this may not be the best solution for THAT child, it WILL be the solution for the rest of your family.
It may be as well, that you will have to take the route of dissolving the adoption/reversing the adoption. I don't like to see or think about this; but alas, this is exactly what has to happen sometimes. There simply is no other way to keep the other children safe; save living in separate homes.
Sad to say, this type of scenario---where the rest of the children are being victimized-----is one where you need to remember that "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.'
IMO, children at this child's age who are sexually acting out, will not improve---especially in the home where the children are easy prey.
Please feel free to pm me if you'd like.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
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As a foster parent and individual in the human services field, I can empathize with giving your life, your economic security, and your emotional and psychological stability over to this situation. I'm sorry for the losses you've already incurred, and can't imagine the agony and grief of day-to-day life of trying to hold on and keep things together. That is how life was for me when we instigated a foster-to-adopt disruption. I would define our child as a level 2 on a scale of 1 to 4. I would define your situation as a level 4 in severity, and one that is not likely to change. Institutional help is really the next step, and this was also the answer for the child that was in our care (also sexual issues and violence to us and others). No amount of training courses, reading, skill building, social worker intervention, and using our existing skills of fostering helped. Sadly, the agency wanted us to stick with it for the sake of the child, and we'd let the child down if we didn't. When you hear that you don't matter any more, and it's only about the child is when I drew the line and moved ahead. I realized no one was looking out for our well-being except us.
One unfortunate thing about dissolving the adoption is that, in some states, you may have to pay child support until the child is age 18. A good attorney will help you with this. In your situation, since the child has behaviors that appear to be sociopathic in nature, and he is a sexual predator/offender, you may have recourse. You may be able to hold the agency accountable for withholding information. You will need to subpoena them for all the records, and be ready to read boxes, sometimes dozens of them, of the child's history. It will be worth the effort. You are doing the right thing on behalf of your other children, by the way. Best wishes on healing.
I agree that you have to consider what is best for your whole family. I also think what is best for your whole family is probably best for this boy, too. How could letting him be in a situation where he can continue abusing his sister be in his best interest, either? Hopefully, when he gets older, he will start to learn to control that behavior, but I would think that it would be more difficult for him to do that, the more harm he has done to someone else. For him to be in a situation where he can't continue hurting a younger child would be better for him, too. I'm far from an expert on this, but that is what I think. If anyone criticizes you for giving up this boy, ask them how many older children they have adopted who have both been victims of abuse and have abused others of their children. That should shut them up. Best wishes to you, with this tough situation.
If you want my HONEST, non-professional, inexperienced opinion on all that you and others have said, here it is:
It is NOT fair to say that all or even most older adopted children are like this. Your case (and perhaps the case of the first reply) are SEVERE. Most I'd say are moderate- still enough to run you a good $30,000 in the area of mental health needs and drive you up a wall or even wreck a marriage if you're not strong, but NOT as bad as your situation. Although, I'm not saying your situation is RARE. Sadly, it's prevelant, but I wouldn't say the MOST. But of course, this is just based on all the stories I've read NOT experience.
As for what should be done, I do NOT think you are doing ANY wrong in dissolving the adoption of your disturbed boy. The fact of the matter is that sexual abuse (even by a peer) results in TERRIBLE consequences in most cases for the abused. The sad thing is that a "disturbed" (sexually inappropriate, violent, etc.) child will do this to other children, and end up turning them into "disturbed" children as well or worse- grow up and do this to their OWN children. THAT is a fact. So you are DOING THE RIGHT THING, even though it's not what's "best" for the boy, it's what's best for the majority of your family!
However, I WOULD say it's reasonable to ask that you pay child support to help the state support a child who YOU decided to make yours... I'm not sure if it's "fair" nor is it good for YOUR family, but it's reasonable to ask. However, you seem to be a bit "in the hole," so I am not sure as to how much you can be legally ordered to pay! Hopefully, it is not TOO much, because you only should pay what you CAN, not necessarily the ENTIRE cost of raising this disturbed child.
Also, please make sure your other children are OK and talk to them about what happened. Please seek counseling for this children, because things like that can cause devastating consequences for children emotionally and mentally.
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I don't know how your state works, but in my state (Maryland), I had to relinquish my child back to the state and she is technically in foster care. As a result, she is now in a residential treatment center. It was the only way to get her help. We had to go before the state and prove that we had tried everything else and the state had to agree to accept her. Since she is technically in foster care, the goal is reunification. So, we have a treatment plan and we have to work our plan. Yes, and pay child support. Good luck to you.
apgmom
This is more or less an update. Nothing significant has changed it seems everyone except DCS sees the danger in this situation. If anyone has been there and knows of any way we can help our kiddos, please send me a message with any links you may have. We continue to pray....
Oh, my dear...if our lives are not similar. My adoptive son has been in foster care since age of 4 he is now 12 and has behavior problems. In March he was caught by me sexually assaulting my 5 yr old daughter. He admitted to assaulting her twice b/c he was "curious". This has sent my familt into an absolute spiral to hell. He was admitted for 10 days for eval when it happened then released home. After many changes to the home to make things "safer" for her his behavior has gotten worse and he is constantly in trouble at home and school. We found one of our steak knives tuck away in a drawer in his room, busted him for researching p**n on the computer and now we have been catching him masturbating. I started the process of reversing the adoption and will be demanding he is removed from our house ASAP. This has made our home an unsafe environment and an unhappy place to be. You are NOT alone and i have shared many a story with people here like LINNY who have been a great source of support and advice. Stay strong and stay tuff b/c ultimately we have to protect the family.
Last update on January 3, 6:02 am by Sachin Gupta.
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