Pregnant and seeking insight for people who were adopted

macyu has a great idea. As an adoptee, the hardest thing for me was not knowing anything about my bparents or if I had any siblings or if they still thought of me or anything like that. I spent years with the feeling of abandonment trailing my every step. All I wanted to know was what happened, and why things turned out the way they did.Luckily, my birth mother wrote me a journal while she was pregnant with me explaining everything. She made sure to let me know that she was not abandoning me, and that she loved me so much that she wanted to give me the best possible life. Reading that journal took a huge weight off of my shoulders.So my biggest suggestion is, leave something for your child. Whether it be a journal or a scrapbook or simply a letter, leave some sort of explanation, because your child may need it.As for open or closed, I was in a closed adoption, though my amom and bmom kept in touch through the years through annual letters. I wish I knew about this earlier, since it would have meant so much to me to know that my bmom still loves me and thinks about me. However, I know that my amom was just doing what she thought was best for me and was waiting for me to confront her.Now, my bmom and I have a great relationship. So I highly recommend leaving something behind, and finding aparents who are open to staying in touch with you.

Everyone deserves a chance at life, they say. Well everyone also deserves to know who their ancestors are. It is a common misbelief that adopted adults can get their records at a certain age. There are people who are elderly who still can not access sealed birth records. My son is a decendant of Peregrine White the first baby born aboard the Mayflower in Plymouth, Ma. If I were to give my child away for adoption, would this change the fact that he is who he is? When he is grown and wants to find out his true heritage he may not be able to depending on what state he was adopted in and what type of adoption I agreed to. Once he leaves my body he is a person with regards to the law. If he is adopted he is and will always be treated like a child. Gay marriage is changing, marijuanna laws and now, very slowly adopted adults are staring to have some rights given back to them. If there was ever a time for secrecy with social media that is impossible. There are 6 million adoptees in the United States alone. Closed Adoptions should be ILLEGAL. If there is a true danger for the child from the birth parent when does the right to protect the child end and the child's right to know begin? I am who I am because of generations of people having babies and raising them into adulthood. I have found my roots and feel more complete. I wish I was never adopted, but my mother 15. I suffered severe trauma from closed adoption even in the nice home I was raised in. It smashed my past, stole my heritage I was lucky enough to get that back. The shame and stigma of adoption has followed me my whole life.

If you are going to go throught with adoption, then as an adoptee, I'd say have an open adoption. Mine was meant to be, but my aparents lied, once everything was signed, bmother didn't see me again, till I a few years after I'd left home. Give the aparents as much info as possible, family history, health issues going back more than one generation. Scrapbook (as above) Write about your likes/dislikes etc. You're feelings and hopes for your child. These would of been gems for me. (my aparent threw all my bparents letters away, after showing me them, I never got to read them) Don't let anyone pressure you. If you're picking out the family, watch how they treat each other. Good luck, I can't imagine, what it'll be like as the bmother.

[QUOTE=kelly222] because it is soooo hard to tell your adoptive mom that you want to meet your bio mom. It is scary for your adoptive mom and it is scary as the adoptee and for me i felt like crap for asking because i didn't want to upset my adoptive mom. I didn't want her thinking that she wasn't enough, that i didn't think of her as my mom, that i didn't appreciate her, i didn't want to hurt her in any way. At the same time, i realized how much it was hurting me to not know my bio mom and I couldn't put my adoptive parents feelings before my own anymore. [QUOTE] I feel the same way Kelly, I haven't gotten up the courage to do so even to this day. To future birth mom, giving your child something like a scrapbook, pictures or journal is a great idea. as an adoptee, i've longed for some kind of connection to my birth family my whole life. I was part of a closed adoption and although I am extremely fortunate to have a great adoptive family, I would give anything to know all the small details that non adoptees could never fully understand... do I have her eyes? her smile? what does her laugh sound like? of course i'd also like to know about my medical history... i'd love to know what she was thinking when she decided adoption. i found out from the agency that i have 2 siblings that she kept... i was the 3rd and she didn't think she could take care of one more... i'd die to know if she thinks about me.. if she cares about me.. if she remembers my birthday... if she told my birth brothers and sisters about me.. do they think of looking for me? I'm not sure what an open adoption would be like...but at the very least, please leave your birthchild with some family history and some picture/note so they know that you loved them and made the decision that you truly believe was the best for the both of you.

I'm a 53 year old adoptee. I think it is wonderful that you are giving your baby a chance at life and that you want to stay involved in an open adoption. With the open adoption, all the childs questions will be answered and he or she won't have to go thru life wondering where he/she came from, heritage and health issues won't be mysteries. I didn't have this kind of an adoption experience but I imagine it would be good and that you would become like an aunt or a big sister to the child. If you can deal with that situation it sounds like a great solution for everyone, if all agree to it. You sound like a very mature and wise person. Good luck to you and the baby.

You should ask birthmoms how surrendering a child affected their lives, and what they found out later that was radically different from what they were promised, what they were told as fact that was false. It all sounds so reasonable and so lovely, but life is real, and adoption is forever. This is a hard day, so I write what I might not on another day, but those hard days are part of the truth. Yes, it can still be the only answer, but read through posts on all sides.

[FONT="Century Gothic"][FONT="Arial"]I think the best advice given was making sure that baby will have options. He or she may one day want to find you or want to know more...make sure he/she has that information. I am 34 years old now and I had a closed adoption. When I was adopted I don't know that open adoption was something that happened too often, not like today. I am just now starting my search for my b-parents and have found out quite a lot that maybe I didn't think I would find so I am grateful that the information and internet is there. My a-parents are very supportive, although as an adoptee I always try to be VERY careful of their feelings about the search. So...I guess just be available and open to the choices and options he/she may want to have one day. :)[/FONT][/FONT]

Hi! My name is Sue and I was born September of 1956. My parents adopted me when I was 2 months old. The nice thing about an open adoption would have been: I would not have had to grow up wondering about my birth mother, I would have known her. I would have known my date of birth (Illinois Children's Home and Aid society changed my birth date to protect my biological mother). I might have know who both of my natural parents were (when I finally found and met my biological mother she told me that she had been raised in an orphanage and when she was old enough to get her own apartment she invited a bunch of men over - one at a time - and one of them was my father. Hopefully my adoptive parents would have had the chance to get to know my birth mother and even birth father. With an open adoption, any other kids of the birth mother would know about the brother/sister that had been adopted (I've met 2 of my half brothers and sisters the other wants nothing to do with me - he always thought he was the oldest - I am. I like the word "open", it implys - nothing to hide. Sue

Sorry. just reread the time, should have said, I hope this will help Sue

Please do yourself and your baby a favor and do some reading about the effects of adoption on both the adoptee and the birthmother. The book "The Primal Wound" is excellent reading for anyone considering adoption on either side. I'm an adult adoptee and a birthmother... and I will tell you that surrendering a child is the hardest thing you will ever do, and as the years go by, it doesn't really get easier. Adoption agencies will promise you the world... openness, updates, etc, but once your baby is placed, it's up to the adoptive parents whether or not to honor any of those promises. The sad fact is, most adoptions that start out open do not remain that way. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, in my opinion. Unless there's literally no way for you to even attempt to care for your baby, anything else is just a temporary issue. Money, school, whatever... it's all temporary and with a little work, it all can be figured out if you want to parent your child.

I am 41 and found my bmom nearly 20 years ago. We corresponded a few times and met once, around 10 years ago. I think she wanted to know that I had a good life but does not really want to be more involved than that. I read other posts about bmoms making scrapbooks, etc and I think that would be an incredible gift. As an adoptee, I had a good childhood but something was always missing. Having some photos and a story would have been very helpful. I also have four older half siblings and I think that more than anything I would like to have a relationship with them. They do not know about me because my bmom is afraid to tell them. The giant lie that surrounds me is most hurtful. You are doing something truly amazing and selfless and you will make the adoptive parents and your baby very happy, no matter how you decide to handle the relationship going forward.

Godspeed in your journey.I am adult adoptee who has had 3 decades to ruminate on this question, adoption.It was 1977 and my second parent had just died, i was 14. In the process of snooping through my dads belongings I came across a piece of paper that would for ever change my world, the finalization decree. At that moment, I realized in one rush of emotion, my life had been a lie, perhaps it was well intentioned, but all that rose in my consciousness was resentment, I carry that to this day.My point being, at least in my opinion, it is better to maintain, an absolute openness, through the whole process,and insist that the adopted family is in agreement with, I think in the long run honest openness is the best option.It is important to note here, I have different emotions regarding my bio mom, I don't know her story, hence I can't judge. I'm not sure open adoption was even a choice in the 60's. Leave the channels open, what will come, good or ill, will come. With an open adoption the child will not have to deal with some of the more base emotions.Respectfully,Ed

A family scrapbook or photobook / genealogy info Medical history Hobbies, interests, personality traits Photos of you over the years Name & contact info of you and birth "father" Letter to the baby explaining why, etc. Being open to a later reunion. Telling your later children about the child you gave up. Telling your later spouse(s) about the child you gave up. Give to (adoptive) parents to give to the baby when they're older and they think their child is ready.

Scrapbooks etc are a great idea...but have heard many stories where this sort of information has been withheld from the adoptee. No guarentees.

I was adopted at the age of four months. My adoptive parents were kind caring people and I had a financially stable upbringing. I loved my adoptive parents and had a good enough life. However, if I could have choice then it would be to be part of a biological family. The reason being is that I always felt like the outsider, my childhood held great expectations of what I would be and the whole culture thing was completely different. Adoptees live with ghosts, the ghost of who they might have been, the ghost of the child their adiptive parents would have had if they had been able, the ghost of the mother and father we can never know, the ghosts of our siblings and our heritage. Even those with a happy or relatively happy adoption experience do yearn for what could have been.