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The following is a list of wrong motives to adopt: Because everybody is doing it (children should not be a fad) To have someone who will love you back (not every child may want to reciprocate your love and affection-initially anyway) Your biological clock is ticking (not good motivation for adoption) You want some company (adopt a dog!) Because you feel sorry for the child or want to rescue them (feeling any sense of indebtedness is not fair to a child who did not ask to be in the position they are) You could really use another person to help out around the house (hire a housekeeper!) A playmate for your other children (baby-sit or do more play-dates) Because children from ______ are so cute (may be cute, but cute is not a good reason to adopt) If I can't have a child biologically, I guess I'll settle for adoption (adoption is not second best, it's just a different path-and it's not easy) A child will bring my spouse and I closer (might be true, but will likely cause more tension and less one-on-one time together; not good for a struggling marriage) I need someone to pass on the family name (poor reason to adopt) I'll start the adoption process and hopefully my husband will come around (it takes the full cooperation of both in the relationship to do this otherwise it is likely to cause great tension in the marriage) Love will cure any problem a child may have and I have a lot love to give (unfortunately no amount of love in this world can help some children; though patience, proper advocacy and empathy can help) Tired of watching other women have babies (not a good reason to adopt; children who are adopted often have very unique special needs that require a lot of devotion) Could use some extra income (some special needs adoptions provide subsidy to cover a child's extra care needs; often the subsidy does not meet all the expenses of the child) You want someone to leave an inheritance to (donate to a worthy charitable organization) You think you'll gain respect and status of sainthood (this is a purely selfish motive; likely you'll feel more like a servant than anything high and mighty) I need a reason to get up in the morning (program your coffee maker; with children there are likely to be days when you don't feel like getting up in the morning) A big tax write off (while this is a bonus, your children will likely cost you more than you'll get back from your taxes) To make me feel complete (you really ought to feel complete before you adopt) To have someone to care for you in your old age (children don't always outlive their parents; it's terribly sad to hear such expectations being placed on a child; start saving for your future now) The right reasons to adopt include those of selfless motives. I don't want my children to feel like they owe me anything beside basic human respect. I understand my children may have needs that are unique because of their adoption. I want them to be successful in being themselves and pray they grow up to be the men God would have them to be. I find it an honor to be entrusted with the children I have, to advocate for them, love them, discipline and encourage them. My life is no longer about me, it's about my family.
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usisarah
There was a thread on the AP board that talked about adopting instead of having bio children as it related to global population...not sure if you're talking about that thread or not. Personally, I do talk from time to time about the fact that I chose adoption over having another bio (then plans changed but that's another story), but not too often. Sometimes I just feel like I'm rubbing salt in the wounds of those that try so hard to conceive. No one has ever said anything to me on this site to make me feel that way, it's completely something I put on myself, but it is something I personally don't feel comfortable talking about openly here.
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BethVA62
I put that on myself too, and don't talk about a lot of bio things for that reason. I did in one post lately, because I wanted to make myself do it, because I wanted to say outloud what I thought/felt. I put that on myself in my adopted home too, so not to upset or offend any one. It's a yucky feeling, like what that "stuck in the middle" feeling can be like.
jcm
Way back from page 8...I like this list. It rings true for our family. 1. You plan to tell the child she is adopted. Absolutely, and we will keep talking about it. 2. you will always treat this child as well as your bio children. No bios, but I couldn't love this girl any more than I do this minute. No...wait...I will love her more tomorrow, because I swear that's how I feel every day. More and more love. 3. you agree to an open adoption and intend to honor that agreement and obtain their OBC for them. Chafes my hide to see MY (and DH's) name on Cam's BC. I wish we had an OA, so far only one time has Cam's first mom reached out. :( 4. You allow your children to seek out their birth families and support them understanding it isn't a loyalty or love issue just plain old curiosity. You would too. Absolutely will...and will encourage it. 5. Address that you can't "love" their loss away and make the issue of adoption something that is OK to talk about. Even if you have had the child from birth there is still a loss there. No doubt there is a loss. None, and it bewilders me that anyone could not see that. 6. Understand their heritage is not your heritage. Most adoptees take a mix of both to build their id's with. Clearly, Cam is much prettier than anyone in my entire family, going back generations. We'd love to know more about her heritage, but have only pieced together a tiny bit of it so far. 7. You love kids and love being a mom/dad and would honestly risk your life to protect them just like if they were born to you. I love being this girl's mother. I knew I would do anything to protect her the moment I laid eyes on her. It did take a few months to feel that deep love I described above. 8. Understand there is a stigma surrounding adoption from horrible practices of the past. Others will question your family bonds and judge you for being infertile. Adoptees are viewed as less adjusted. I sure do. We've had rude comments. And comments that were not meant to be rude, but are. Some days I am rather feisty, other days I let it roll off my back. Judged for infertility? You bet. It's the first thing people assume when they see we adopted (Cam is a lovely shade of brown...we are very much not), which tactless people will then comment on. I am very open, so I couldn't give a hoot who knows we did three rounds of IVF. As for adoptees being less adjusted...I've seen it. I've heard it. I expect someone will make the mistake of judging Cam's actions or thoughts as misguided because she is adopted. As well as for being drug exposed. 9. Honor the Birthmother if it weren't for her you wouldn't be where you are. Don't tell the whole world your kid is adopted unless you are asked. I never met Cam's bmom...but I have love in my heart for her and her family. No way I would be as happy as I am today without her bringing this gorgeous girl into our lives. People will always know Cam is adopted if she is with Rob and I, because that's just how transracial adoption rolls. :) 10. When you go to the doctor remember their medical history is not your medical history. And how. Every check-up I always have to fill in a space that says "I don't know, Cam was adopted." I HATE it. Not being able to fill in those blanks scares me and breaks my heart at the same time. Reality is I am a parent to someone else's child. She is also my child, and my husbands child. Cam has lots of people who can "lay claim" to her. She is who she is because of her first parents and because of Rob and I. I could not deny those parts of her, nor would I want to. And I don't have a right to. We are taking PRIDE classes to begin fostering. Someone mentioned how when those in the class adopt from foster care "your name goes right on the birth certificate!" in a chirpy voice. I felt my face go hot, and my ears started ringing. What prevented me from screaming at the woman was that it was our first class, and I didn't want to get the boot on the very first night. There will be time for that later. :evilgrin:
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JCM - glad you are back as well. You touched on a thought I have had many times that I think is glossed over sometimes in the newer AP's before reality sets in and they are out and about their their kids - transracial adoptees are outed as being adoptees on sight, and lose that control some same race adoptees have had if they look somewhat like their parents. I bring it up as I know you are going through classes right now and wonder if they delve into it much in the classes? I know I have seen threads on it but did they have any adult transracial adoptees speak to this on all sides of the spectrum about growing up different? I think it adds an entire layer on top of the being adopted. As to having to write "adopted" on medical forms. Dad being our doctor when we were kids had to live both sides of the coin. That had to add an additional level of stress. I think they thought they missed the bullet with me until I got sick as an adult. D
Thank everyone, glad to be back. It's been a long summer...but is flying by, kwim? lol Dickons, we just started classes on Thursday night. I am eager to see what they have to say on the transracial aspect of foster/adopt. To be perfectly honest, I am not expecting much. I seem to learn way more from these boards with regards to all things adoption, than I have IRL. The one exception, a class I took with our church called [URL="http://www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith/buildingworld/index.shtml"]Building the World We Dream About[/URL] The older Cam gets, the more anxious I am about whether we will do right by her. I have been worrying myself sick about how to start telling her adoption story. I mean, I have been talking about "Mama N." and "Daddy J" and her siblings since day one, but I have very little to go on. A lot of her story and her first family's story is pretty sad. I have gained great insight into how to respect the person, but dislike the behavior, from this site...and from my training as an addictions counselor. My fault lies in that I am truthful and up front to a fault, how to break it down into age-appropriate chunks without overloading Cam is my biggest fear. BUT, I know I will do okay, I just tend to worry a lot. Beth...the medical stuff worries me with each visit. When we decided to adopt, we were extremely open on drugs, mental illness, HIV, Hepatitis, etc. We had to have Cam tested this week for Hep. It's manageable, which is why we were comfortable with the prospect, but now that my real-life, flesh and blood daughter was sitting on my lap getting blood drawn, it opened up a deep-seated fear that something might jeopardize my child's health...and that I know very little about her family history. Each month I write updates for Cam's 1mom. The agency holds them for N. to pick them up twice a year. Back in October we got a call from our placement SW (and funny how seeing the agency name on caller ID made my heart jump out of my body! lol). She was calling to give us a heads up on a letter that N. had sent, that the agency was forwarding to us. I am so grateful for that call, because she gave us time to think about some of the hard things in the letter, before it arrived. It is the only letter we have received, and it was mostly about N's fears and sadness. It also included 3 small, well-loved pics of Cam's 4 older brothers. Since that letter, and before, I have always let N. know that we would love more pics of her and her family, that she(and family) is always in our hearts and thoughts and we would be open to whatever communication she is comfortable with. Each month when I send those letters, my heart lurches in hopes that she will be in a place to share more. And CRICK!!! We need that "like" button! :D And it just so happens I am a member of another [URL="http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=107450"]forum[/URL], same format, that has a "thanks" button. HINT...HINT...HINT... ;)
JCM - the outline of the program looks really good and the length is perfect to really delve into the knowledge. Do you have a story worked out for Cam starting when you first heard about her and why she needed a home and how she came home to you? My story never changed, just bits and pieces were added to it before puberty to expand the context of the story. Cheers - glad you are back,Dickons
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We do have a story, but it only has our side of the story, and what we *think* led to her placement with us. I don't want to assign feelings or thoughts to her first mom, or family, about what led to the placement...so it will be hard to navigate for me. I suppose what scares me the most is that I DO stumble, and speak for her first mom on why Cam was placed with us. :( I definitely have some time, Cam is still so little. But...
My Adoptive mother Linda carried me out of the hospital. She never gave me any info about my birth until I was five and my Afather left. He told me I was adopted and I wasn't his real dad. I never saw him again. Linda did some horrible things. She would always talk to herself nonstop. She hit me all of the time. I always got up and fed myself whatever I could find. I would hide food wrappers and she'd beat me. I was always dressed weird and grounded had a sad lonely life. I'm still lonely. I had few friends and linda had very few. Everyone said she was crazy, but she was sane. Almost. she was good to me too sometimes, but when she was busy she would completely ignore me. I never played sports or went anywhere. She was always dating random guys and only has time for herself. She told me if she had her own kid she would love him than me. I have been searching for years but my records are closed. Linda died and every chance of more info died with her. When I finished high school I went into the Army. I wanted to be right on the front line where it was most dangerous. I could never kill myself, but I'd hope it would happen for me. I killed many people. Shot them dead and saw my best friend fall. I live with that but my adoption pain is deeper. Growing up I used to lay in bed at night and try to send telepathic messages to my birth mom to come and save me from Linda. The only comfort I found was in the church. Jesus became my savior. I think Jesus would disapprove of secret adoptions that cause so much pain. Jesus wouldn't shun an unwed mother. Linda wasn't supposed to have children. She couldn't. I don't get how these christian groups promote adoption so much. I hired a PI to find my Bfamily. I NEED to know them with my son being born soon. I'm decorated veteran who can't get his birth certificate. I fought and almost died so that others could be free. Except adoptees. Linda is dead, but my chains still bind me. My Bmom would be horrified if I told her all the hell I've lived. I don't think she wanted this. Where ever you are Mom, I love you. Ill never stop looking.
Abusedadoptee, What an incredibly sad story you have of growing up. I am so sorry the system failed so badly. Some people should never be allowed to adopt. I am glad that you have a family now and a new one joining you shortly. You know first hand how not to parent and seem to be looking forward to turning a new chapter. The first time you see your son or daughter and the wave of feeling surrounding meeting your very first biologically connected relative is simply surreal. You also know you have the inner strength to carry on regardless of what is thrown in your path. You can do anything. I hope the PI you hired is successful and if not I hope you try one of the Search Angels who do their best to help adoptees reconnect. Keep posting and get to know us. Kind regards,Dickons
Abusedadoptee83
My Adoptive mother Linda carried me out of the hospital. She never gave me any info about my birth until I was five and my Afather left. He told me I was adopted and I wasn't his real dad. I never saw him again. Linda did some horrible things. She would always talk to herself nonstop. She hit me all of the time. I always got up and fed myself whatever I could find. I would hide food wrappers and she'd beat me. I was always dressed weird and grounded had a sad lonely life. I'm still lonely. I had few friends and linda had very few. Everyone said she was crazy, but she was sane. Almost. she was good to me too sometimes, but when she was busy she would completely ignore me. I never played sports or went anywhere. She was always dating random guys and only has time for herself. She told me if she had her own kid she would love him than me. I have been searching for years but my records are closed. Linda died and every chance of more info died with her. When I finished high school I went into the Army. I wanted to be right on the front line where it was most dangerous. I could never kill myself, but I'd hope it would happen for me. I killed many people. Shot them dead and saw my best friend fall. I live with that but my adoption pain is deeper. Growing up I used to lay in bed at night and try to send telepathic messages to my birth mom to come and save me from Linda. The only comfort I found was in the church. Jesus became my savior. I think Jesus would disapprove of secret adoptions that cause so much pain. Jesus wouldn't shun an unwed mother. Linda wasn't supposed to have children. She couldn't. I don't get how these christian groups promote adoption so much. I hired a PI to find my Bfamily. I NEED to know them with my son being born soon. I'm decorated veteran who can't get his birth certificate. I fought and almost died so that others could be free. Except adoptees. Linda is dead, but my chains still bind me. My Bmom would be horrified if I told her all the hell I've lived. I don't think she wanted this. Where ever you are Mom, I love you. Ill never stop looking.
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Thanks for all of your support. My records are sealed I am going to appeal before a judge. I have no medical emergency so they will probably deny it. These clerks that work at the vital records I think about bribing themn with 1000 bucks. It is worth that to me because finding what was stolen from me is priceless. I see these adoptees that can search and don't want to. I think everyone has their resons why they don't want to look and the main one is fear of being rejected again. Its time to meet my maker. I feel detached from everything. I feel like there is no one in the world like me and everyone I meet I wonder could she me my mom? I could have met her before in the shopping mall at Christmas time and never knew it. They best way to describe it is like looking in window and warm happy family from outside in the cold dark snow. When I was lying on the ground with live rounds hitting so close, I was thinking if I died she wouldn't even know. Why did God deal me this hand? I had a life like Harry Potter but he was placed with his own family. My son will be the first person I know like me. Thanks again everyone...god bless.
AbusedAdoptee - two wrongs do not make one right. You have a new one on the way and that is and has to be your priority. Have you ever thought about doing the new dna testing that is available on both your Ydna and Mtdna? Only males can do both sides. It is worth looking into as the Y gives you the paternal side and the Mt the maternal side. I want to say the National Geographic DNA project is where you can start looking into it - but I am not sure. If you do you also want to do the largest number of markers to get the closest relative match. Kind regards,Dickons