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My husband and I have been foster parents to "S" for 6 months and are an adoptive placement. S has PTSD and is a "care plus" child due to his behaviors and his traumatic past. He was previously diagnosed with RAD as well but that diagnosis has changed. But S most definitely has some attachment issues. We love S dearly. As difficult as he can be, we can't imagine our lives without him.
I just got off the phone with my mom earlier (who has a habit of undermining my husband's and my parenting of S). So frustrating. S has a whole slew of needs they know nothing about. S also has a whole slew of behaviors that they don't understand nor do they live with. But my mom loves to question our parenting, speaking freely to us on the topic as if we don't have a clue. She can't seem to believe that he would do the things that we say or that they are any big deal. She even started to say "oh that's normal." And maybe some of the things are. But the difference with S is that his motives are different than the "typical" child. He has grown up in mind games and manipulation (among other things). So now that is what we are trying to help him NOT do anymore. Not a quick thing. I typically have a good relationship with my mom but am learning that talking to her is not a good outlet nor is it a place of support in this case. Kind of frustrating, but just learning as I go. I think a lot of people around us view S as this poor innocent child who is like a lost puppy and just needs hugs. Yes, what happened to him was NOT his fault and he was a poor innocent child. But now we are dealing with the emotions and behaviors and trying to be a support to him. Any thoughts/experiences or wisdom on the topic? I have been on these boards before but finally decided to join. Don't feel like I have many people I can talk to who understand at all. Thanks for reading! And sorry this is so long :)
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I just recently started a new job. Ironically my preceptor also adopted from foster care in another state. His son has similar issues to mine. We were just venting to one another about things we hate that other people say when they have absolutely no clue what we deal with on a day to day basis. Oh boys are just so energetic or I remember how tiring it was chasing after 2 in diapers. Yes parenting is tough but you absolutely love it. Oh if you ever need a break just call me (and then they are NEVER available when you do). I do I really love my boys but honestly as a single parent to two very emotionally and physically draining boys I am wiped. So yes, vent away - we get it.
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Even my son's doctor who is a father of 4 and accustomed to foster kids writes off most of my stories of my son's behaviors as normal kid stuff. Nevermind I have more kids than him, work with kids every day, and have been parenting twice as long as him. At least he is "just a specialist" and NOT his primary doctor...LOL!! That would be much more aggravating. When you REALLY try to get through to some people about the behaviors, then they respond as if you just crossed the line in talking ugly about that sweet, charming child. Yep.... WE get it here.... you are not alone in this journey!! :grouphug:
I found it hard that my family, who knew me, didn't understand and questioned my parenting. I stopped telling them things. I found people here that understood and it helped. I vented here and made lots of friends who got it.
I don't think it's possible to really get it without living through it.
Thanks for your responses. I think it's nice even to just know that I'm not alone. My husband and I have been talking about drawing some more boundaries with family as far as who we tell what regarding S. I kind of wanted to tell my mom if she is the parent of the year, then there are plenty of kids in care that could benefit from being her child, like S's sister. I refrained :) I think people can't imagine that kids who have been abused could have motives other than pure and innocent. And we love S more than any other person on the planet. So it was insulting that she insinuated that basically we weren't loving him. Well, with S, it is definitely love in a different way. We have to be very structured and firm with him as he needs firm and loving boundaries. She also forgets that we see social workers multiple times per month. We work with S's therapist and are doing those things at home too that the therapist suggests. I think the whole conversation was just extremely insulting. I definitely felt judged and put down. I think I have learned my lesson not to really open up to her where S is concerned. Just too frustrating. And like you all said, they aren't going to "get it" if they aren't living it. I tried to explain to her that when we go over there, S will try and pit them against us (which obviously he is being successful at :) ). Doesn't mean he is a bad kid, just what he has learned growing up. So basically if they don't listen to what we are telling them, then they are willing participants in the manipulation, which is something that we are trying to break right now. She basically said that she would have to be a part of the manipulation then because she felt like she couldn't be herself. Well, I have struggled with how parenting S feels so different than what comes natural as a mom. But it's the way we have to love S. Loving kids in care with emotional and behavioral problems definitely looks different than parenting typical kids. Thanks for listening...i mean, reading :) Glad to know I'm not alone!