Disciplining adopted teen when nothing seems to work

Um, well, respectfully, and all of this is just my opinion, I can't imagine any therapist worth going to who would say to NOT engage in attachment-enhancing therapy and activities at home. He's 15 and will be mobile in a few months or so--Good grief, what is there to lose? I've never heard of any kind of study that tells you attachment therapy would be counterproductive. Stickers, reward charts, etc., yes, that stuff can be counterproductive because it sets up everyone up for manipulation rather than building a foundation for trust. At home, this includes things like a focus on family dinners with no TV; set and structured family time like card night; set and structured parent-child work (working on the car, doing laundry, gardening, etc.); age -"inappropriate" activities like tucking him in at night with some ritual, playfully working other small-child actions into his day; time-ins, even at his age; and a lot of structure around things like personal organization and hygiene. And, yes, always let there be logical and natural consequences. These are just suggestions from a non-professional. Again, if you have the time and ability, I think it would be worthwhile to find a therapist who is willing to do attachment therapy with him and guide you on how to extend it in your home. The attention to filling in the holes of the things he missed as a young child may seem silly and awkward, but it does make a big difference. A fairly highly structured schedule and environment help to reinforce what should be a growing sense of security. In a child that doesn't have a serious mental illness or developmental delay, problem behavior has two origins: lack of trust and/or the need to communicate--that is, acting out insecurity, fear, trauma, etc., trying to make you feel what he feels. Good luck.

I totally agree with all the positive home activities. These are very important. I also support working with a therapist, if your son is cooperative.>tom<

A few general thoughts and then a few specific suggestions...Attachment therapy is about helping a child or teen learn to trust adults, learn to feel safe, work on cause and effect, better understand reciprocity, and become more respectful and compliant. A therapist that suggests this would not be a good idea doesn't understand what attachment therapy is about. Consider finding another therapist. And, people who say attachment therapy doesn't work for teenagers are wrong. It's harder, but it can work. Recently, I've worked with several teens ages 13-15, all of whom have made excellent strides towards becoming attached to their adoptive parents.Just because a teenager's behaviors don't change within days, weeks, or even months, doesn't mean that the consequences aren't working. Due to a tough start to life, he hasn't yet developed cause and effect thinking: that's what consistent consequences does.Specifics:He should get a positive consequence, ranging from a smile and a hug, up to earning a privilege, for every positive choice he makes. If he makes his bed without reminding, he gets a smile and a hug. If he breaks a lamp in frustration, he does double restitution--chores that equal double the value of the lamp.When possible, tie negative consequences to the poor choice. For example, if he pulls up the flowers, he needs to plant new flowers and take care of the yard for a week. If he doesn't come straight home from school like he's supposed to, he's showing you that he needs help being responsible, and you pick him up for a week. Until he's compliant and respectful, he should have NO privileges. Privileges include everything that's not regular food and a place to sleep. Choosing where he sits in the car is a privilege. Chocolate milk is a privilege. Riding his bike is a privilege. After-school sports are a privilege.One last thing, parental attitude is usually more important than the specifics of the parenting techniques. You want your attitude to be very matter of fact, encouraging, and curious about poor choices he makes. Don't work harder than he does. Step back a bit saying, either directly or indirectly, "I hope you decide to work on your life. I know you have the ability to change. But, it's up to you. I'm here and I love you whether you work or not." Surprisingly, sometimes kids work harder once we let them know that it's up to them. They often get satisfaction from doing the opposite of what we want. When we step back, often they begin to work.Susan Ward[URL="http://www.olderchildadoptionsupport.com"]Older Child Adoption Support[/URL]

My thinking on this is a bit different. First allowance and reward charts?? Seriously for a fifteen year old? My 12 year old model behavior nephew would laugh in the face of a reward chart---even he as a well adjusted kid would tell you to take your rewards and put them where the sun don't shine, though he'd use respectful words. At the same time though, attachment isn't the issue of every child that is adopted, any more than diabetes is the problem of every overweight person. Since professionals that have gotten to know your child, and not just "adopted" children, seem to think attachment isn't the core problem, but the interventions still aren't working, how about trying age appropriate non-attachment interventions. Maybe accessing interventions used for juvenile offenders, or interventions for just plain old BEH kids?

Hi There. I have read the thread and am hoping that somebody can offer some help in my case too. Is there anybody who has experience and/or expertise in the area of adoptee problems with teenagers? I have a friend (yes, truly) who adopted a seven year old boy, who was seven at the time, seven years ago. Throughout the seven years, on and off, he has been a problem to them. I am an adoptee and it really upsets me, because I can see both sides and they have really done as much as they possibly could for him (I know I am feeling strongly about his partly because of being an adoptee myself). He was taken from his mother at age 3.5 and placed in several different homes before he got to my friend. So, he already had alot of baggage. Now, he has hit teenage years and all hell has broken loose. I am sure this is a common problem, but don't know which direction to point my friend in. I know it has been devastating for her and her family and if they can be helped at all, it would be great. There has been therapy and counselling over the years, but I don't think it has been of the right sort. I can see some of myself in some of the things she says about him, and I cannot think of a way to help. Can anybody offer anything? :confused:

The most accurate book on child behavior (including this 14 yr old) would be The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn Latham. If she is a Christian, then Christlike Parenting would be good as it specifically talks about out of control teenagers.

Since making this post originally, we have found out that his therapist is headed toward the diagnosis of antisocial disorder, a diagnosis he doesnt want to take lightly and is still in the process of determining this diagnosis. With that said, it changes approach to pretty much everything. The therapist said that reward and consequence has no effect on him at this point. The therapist said he has seen some improvement with him in the last few months but minimal and the treatment plan is approximately 1 to 3 years, but stated that he will always have issues regarding this diagnosis to include the inability to form healthy relationships, keeping jobs, etc. We were told at this point he is unable to feel joy, happiness, excitment, etc. Attachment will end up having to be an affect of therapy that is progressively, but slowly showing progress. We were told we will begin to see small improvements in trust and behaviors, but it will be very small and very slow. A few other possible diagnoses to include executive function deficit and emotional depressive disorder, a couple of diagnoses that are many times found in those diagnoses with antisocial disorder. We were told it could be a dangerous diagnosis for him untreated because people with antisocial disorder have riskier behaviors such as alcoholism, drug use and abuse, as well as selling of drugs. Although getting info on these diagnoses does make sense with what we have experienced, it is a hard bite to chew and means a long difficult road.

I'm surprised you found a therapist willing to consider that diagnosis before he reaches 18-most won't. Does the therapist have experience treating this disorder? The best therapist my son had had previously been a prison psychologist. My son was living in a residential facility at that time and this therapist was willing to be open and honest with my son about his disorder. He taught him how to live in society without going to prison as his conscience is non-existant and he feels no empathy. I wouldn't say my son is attached to me but I tend to be his safe person. When his brothers get angry at him he calls and says-this is what I did, why are they mad? Unfortunately, his relationships with women are not good and he tends to be violent with his girlfriends. I warn them, but I can't stop them from dating him. I hope the treatment your son is getting is more successful then my sons.

I have to disagree with you on this one. Most juvenile detention facilities, such as reform schools and juvenile halls, use some form of behavior modification...including the progress charts. Rewards and privileges are handed out on both a daily and weekly basis according to a point system. It actually works pretty darn well in those facilities for kids with conduct disorders. By the way, I agree with LucyJoy. I'm quite surprised that the therapist is considering an official diagnosis of antisocial disorder in a teenager under the age of 18. That's one of the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) that therapists rely on.

I appreciate your insight. Unfortunately, this therapist is horrible with communicating with us and my husband left him a message last night saying he wont be back until we have some answers about his treatment methods. That seems to be the only time we hear from him when we threaten to stop services. His therapist has been saying for months now he needs a good psychiatric evaluation (saying the ones he has had in the past have not been proper) in order to complete/finalize this diagnoses but has failed to to do that. We are going to insist that be the next step in therapy. I also have been quite curious about the diagnosis also knowing it is 99% of the time not diagnosed until the age of 18 (something I didn't find out from the therapist but through my own research), but his therapist likes to throw out there how many degrees he has, how many years of experience, and gets agitated when we question him. I am going to prepare a list of questions that need to be answered and answered well before we continue. I believe it can be just as dangerous to have a child involved with a therapist that may not be right for him as it would be to have no therapy...not certain what the lesser of the 2 evils are.

He has not officially diagnosed him because he is under 18, but has termed it "emerging signs of" basically the terminology that is used for children before the age of 18. If he were 18 today, he would have these diagnoses. He will still treat for these disorders because to wait until he is 18, when he can actually receive the actual diagnoses, could make treatment all that more difficult with a much less success rate. He is actually very well trained in these diagnoses and has 30 years experience in these particular areas, antisocial disorders and other personality disorders. And BTW, someone posted on another one of my posts indicating there is some reconsideration going on with the DSM in regards to diagnosing teens prior to 18 noting that it is very possible they do in fact have these disorders before the age of 18. I have not been able to confirm this or get further info. Me for one, I am thankful to have an idea of what we could be looking at when this child is a young adult. I understand things could change before the age of 18, but to think of the possibilities of what his life could be like if treatment is not geared towards what he most definitely has. His symptoms have surpassed those for conduct disorders. He is showing the signs of the antisocial and narcissistic disorders and not just a couple, almost every single one of the signs and symptoms that someone displays in order to to be diagnosed as an adult. This young man has a very high IQ of 165, but without some help now the likelihood of him being able to successfully utilize his gifting as a young adult in furthering his education through a college career is very low. If he has it now, despite his age, it is my opinion it is important to be allowed to recognize that so that he can have the most opportunity to receive the treatment that will provide him with the best possible outcome. Understanding that personalities are still developing in the mid to late teen years, it would be just as wrong to deny them what they need.

And on another note, I was finally able to voice my concern about his lack of communication. I was able to do some research on the therapist and was actually quite impressed with his experience and specialty areas. He has agreed to sit down with us soon so he can fully understand our expectations in terms of commincation with us, which I am happy about. I would hate to have a conflicting relationship with a therapist who turns out to be very capable just because he doesn't provide the info we need to be effective parents in this situation. I do appreciate everyones thoughts. thanks!

Thanks for this information. I agree both positive and negative is needed. Taking away computer time and cellphone use seems to work. It may take an extended period of time but behaviors will change.

A friend of mine used a chart system that she called the elevator. Each child had a different chart. On one side were responsibilities (room clean, chores, grades, homework, language clean, etc) and on the other side were privleges, (phone, video games, tv time, later bedtime, driving, leaving the house without a parent, spending the night at friends, etc) At the bottom was the basement. The basement level had almost no priveleges and almost no responsibilities. I think it includes going to school every day, showering regularly and stuff like that. The privileges in the basement include a bed, three meals a day, clothes to wear, use of washing machine and dryer (one day a week, each of her kids has one day a week that is theirs to do all their laundry and they do their own after a certain age) In the center of the chart is a square that is the elevator. Each level (I think there are four or five) has more privileges and more more responsibilities. Once a week mom and dad and kids sit down and talk about the past week. If a kid has kept all the responsibilities for the level they can move up a level. If they have kept some they stay the same, if they have only kept a few they move down. Certain behaviors can move a kid straight to the basement. Kids in the basement do not get any electronics, no special treats or trips and can't go anywhere really except school and church. It's very visual and kids see the direct correlation between responsibilities and privileges.