Moved out at 18

Oh no...I am so sorry. :-( I had so hoped for a better outcome for all of you.

I am really sorry too. I think the only thing you can do is know that there is a lot of life left for him and trust that eventually he will come back around. Keep reaching out and keep the door open.

Wow, that's tough. Don't have any advice, and it certainly could be our future as well. I guess all you can do is keep the communication open and your fingers crossed.I know several people who have "aged out" and they all talk about how, in their mid-twenties, they woke up one day and realized they needed to straighten out their lives. Hopefully T will realize what an amazing resource he has in you all sooner than that.My thoughts are with you.

I've been through this a few times. You do nothing. You invite him to family functions or out to lunch now and then. You answer polite phone calls. You do not ask questions you don't want the answers to. It's hard. Mg left at 17, proceeded to get 28 tickets for driving without a license and did a few short jail stints and fathered a daughter. At 23, he still struggles some with employment(works great on short term jobs for temp services, though) but he's a good dad, has paid off all the tickets and is working toward repairing his credit. MA left at 17 and joined the army. At 23, he's doing his 2nd overseas tour as an aviation electrician. He also has a child who is being raised by his child's mom and stepdad. My son does not feel able to parent but is involved in his sons life(with the moms blessing). He plans to attend college when he finishes this tour. RA left home at 17. He roamed around doing nothing for 3 years. At 22, he's in the National guard and works for a construction company. He has a son due in Oct. RU left home at 17(one week after his last RTC release) and was homeless for awhile. At 22, he's finished his army enlistment and works as a mechanics helper. I have other kids who left at 17 and 18. They do now attend many family functions(they didn't at first) and I do think they will be happy and productive adults. It is hard to not lecture or point out what they are doing might not be working-One of my kids told me it would have been easier for him to just have listened to me in the first place but his hard head required him to try everything the hard way first. They did bad mouth me, accuse me of kicking them out and all those other lovely things including returning to birth family for some(some good, some bad reaction without depending on their expectations and how healthy bfamily was by this point). Hang in there-this bumpy ride doesn't end when they leave home.

Thank you all for the notes. It's been nearly 3 weeks, and except for one day he picked up mail almost 2 weeks ago, we've heard nothing. I have a pile of mail waiting for him and have messaged him on facebook about it, but he hasn't responded. I don't know where he is or if he actually went to the first day of school yesterday. He was staying in a low income housing development, and his presence earned the entire family their 30 day eviction notice, which breaks my heart.

its very sad to hear that, i can understand what are you going through, it is really very tough to keep the teen undercontrol when he is adoptive, but you should and you can always keep some restriction and some disipline at home so that he has to obey, but he too has his life to live so let him live his life but be very supportive, we want our children to have a good future and life that our only ultimate dream,

We never tried to keep him under control. The house rules, especially during his senior year were pretty basic. A curfew (generally 11pm, but subject to change for special things like sleeping over at a friend's, special event, etc), and letting us know where he is and when he'll be back. It wasn't about micromanaging his behavior, by any stretch of the imagination. If he said he was going to take the dogs out and feed them, he was expected to follow through. Even that was an option (which we paid him to do), that he could have opted out of. His daily chore was to sweep downstairs, which he always did comply with. We expected basic curtesy, not control. It's been about 3 weeks, and I have not heard from him in the last 2, since giving him the car and then he stopped by to pick up mail one day. Last I heard, he's living with and seeing a girl with a 2 year old kid, and has discovered geting drunk off his posterior rather publically. I don't know if he's attending school or not.

I am so sad to read about your experience. Although our children are not yet that age, we understand that it can happen with bio children, not solely a problem confined to those who have been fostered or adopted. Many kids need to go and hit bottom before they truly realize that they A) still need involvement from a parent/family and B) before they realize they HAVE to make a change. Nobody can force someone, adult or young adult, to "get it together" it has to happen when that individual realizes and is capable of seeking the help that they need. I can only imagine the heartbreak, as a parent, having to be audience to the downward spiral in spite of your standing offer of acceptance and assistance (and your unconditional love). :( I hope that your son is able to realize the changes needed (and WHY) sooner rather than later, but how lucky he is to have a family to fall back on and to know the unconditional love and acceptance MANY others will never know. Perhaps he can find the road to the military? I am a big believer in the military, and that it can (and has) turned many lives around. He would have a job, pay, benefits and housing....regardless of how poor his credit is....

My middle daughter, adopted at the age of 10.5, started to escalate her behavior as soon as she turned 18. The kicker for me was that she was still a junior in high school. She ran away from home and moved in with people she met at a mall. She wouldn't tell me where she was. She made up a lot of lies to make me look like a crazy/abusive parent. Fast forward to now....a year later. She lives in a maternity home for homeless pregnant teens. She is pregnant with twins. She is finishing high school at an alternative high school. We have a pretty good relationship BUT I don't ask about details in her life that I don't really want to know. I have emotionally distanced myself from her life although I am available for her if she needs me. I will be available to help her with her babies when I can. It's certainly not the mother/daughter relationship I anticipated but it is working for us at the moment. My mantra with her is " I have as close of a relationship as you will allow". She now tells her siblings that she wishes she would have just relaxed and enjoyed being in a family instead of thinking she didn't need a mom. She is working hard to learn about attachment parenting to ensure her babies don't go through what she did as an infant. I am hoping she is getting her life together, but I don't hold my breath..... I guess I am writing all of this because instead of feeling like we have failed with these kids, I think I needed to just lower my expectations. Most days I can tell myself that I did the best I could and now their life is up to them.