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We are new to the forum and would appreciate some advice. We have a bio daughter who is 3 and hoping to adopt (via Open Adoption).
We are in a match with a lovely couple. We have met them a few times and have had very comfortable and enjoyable meetings. They are non-threatening, very smart (grad school) and have taken good care of the baby. Their families want to meet us (which we are fine with), but we think we need to let them know our thoughts on visits and such after baby is born and home with us. We were thinking...
1) A few visits a year with birthparents (and many pics, letters...etc)
2) If birthparents want to bring other family members to the visit, that is fine, just let us know beforehand.
3) We would rather not (at least at this time, it might change in the future as we settle in) have to communicate with birthparent's families and would prefer to "filter" communication through the birthparents (such as pictures, videos...etc).
We are just worried about making promises (such as birthday invites or Christmas get-togethers) that we cannot always keep.
Do these seem reasonable? What have other's done?
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I know you got some replies on the other thread, but here's my opinion as an aparent in a successful open adoption now for 10 years.
I think you are very wise to think about these things before placement and discuss them openly with the emom and edad. If you think the emotions are complicated now, they will be much more complicated after placement.
Don't "promise" anything that you cannot deliver. Be very specific - i.e. instead of saying " a few visits a year", clarify exactly how many, where they may take place, if travel is involved, who will do the traveling. Also, how long will the visits be - an hour in a park or all day at your home for a bbq. Think about the timing of the visits, be clear if you do not want them to interfere with birthdays/holidays, etc.
I hear what you are saying about filtering things to the birthfamily through the emom and edad, and I do not think that is unreasonable. You are entering into an OA with the child's first parents, not their entire extended family. (Unless that is a specific wish of theirs).
In my situation, I happen to be much closer to my kisd grandmother and greatgrandmother than I am to their first mom. Not by intentional choice, just the way it worked out over the years. And I do communicate and update them regularly, but it's not out of obligation, it's out of love and a built relationship.
I'm not by any means saying that you cannot do above and beyond what you initially agree to. Just that the more specific you are, the less room there is for disappointment and hurt feelings.
Speaking from my own experience, it all seems like it will be so easy. Then the baby comes and feelings change all around. You don't want to find yourself stressing about keeping your committment to them, and you don't want them to be worrying whether or not you will keep your committment. By agreeing together to only the minimum that each of you are comfortable with for at least 18 years leaves rom for things to grow. But if you promise and then don't deliver, that's pretty hard to come back from and salvage.
JMHO. Good luck to you.
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BillysmommyThank you for this reply. It is so hopeful to hear from someone who is 10 years in! Obviously I don't know how things will work out, but I too thought that we should give a baseline (very technical sounding I know) for what they should expect from us. Like you said, we may very well go above and beyond, but I didn't want to promise anything and then feel guilty later on that we could not fulfill those promises. Thank you for the response!
You're welcome! My advice comes from my own experience. While we have a great OA now, it was rough the first year. And some of it was just simply getting to know one another and our personalities and habits. For instance, when I say "I'll call you back...", my friends and family knows that really means that it will be a day or so (or 3) before I get back to you. That's just me, nothing to do with WHO I am talking to. But to my son's first mom in those early days, she took it that I was blowing her off and read it to mean that eventually I just wouldn't call her back at all. Now, 10 years later, when I say "Ill call you back..." she laughs and says " Sure you will - in a week!" Had we had some type of guidelines then, even if it was just that we would speak every other Friday evening, for instance, it would have spared her a lot of worrying. And it would have spared me the pressure of worrying whether I should or shouldn't call.
And also, I think it is important to recognize that the first few weeks/months are crazy and the contact may become less than before placement because of the simple fact that you will be busy caring for a newborn, settling into life with a new baby, accepting visitors, celebrating, etc.. And at the same time, first mom will be getting back to her life without that baby, without the agency/lawyer appointments, Dr appointments, etc. Everyone will be vulnerable and emotional.
Personally, I think it speaks volumes that you are thinking about these things beforehand.