my husband is sabotaging our adoption

biojen - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand that you are frustrated since you say you were clear about your "conditions" of marriage with your husband. The only think I can think of is that your DH has become very congnizant of the fact that your love for him is not unconditional, and can't find the motivation to take on legal-risk children when he's already suffered the loss of one child, and he has in the back of his mind the understanding that he may lose you too (and perhaps also your daughter, at least part time). I'm surprised that after your loss of your son you are comfortable with legal risk. I would be much closer to your DH's position on this. I've never experienced a miscarriage, but we did foster a little girl for nearly a year who was RUed under less than ideal circumstances, and after I finally got over that loss, my hubby wanted to continue to foster, but I absolutely couldn't imagine going through the heartache again. One compromise that I could think of is to wait a bit until your daughter is older. You can then adopt an older child and still maintain birth-order, without the legal risk that sounds like is your DH's criteria. If you are open to sibling groups, you may be able to get that young child in the mix as well. But honestly, my main concern is that you're trying to bring more children into a rocky marriage. To be fair, you did tell your DH about your desires, so he shouldn't have married you if he wasn't completely on board. But then again, hypothetical and real situations are really different. I was once asked if I could ever imagine being a surrogate for a friend, and I said a categorical NO. Back then, I was against all fertility treatment and thought everyone should adopt. But having since gone through infertility and failed adoptions myself, and being presented with an actual request from my best friend, I changed my mind and decided that it was something that I would consider. (We are not doing the arrangmenet bc she and her DH have decided to adopt instead.) If you are willing to choose to have more children than stay married to your husband, have you told your DH this? Maybe you should address the issues in your marriage first before trying to provide a safe, stable, loving home to a child in need. You don't want to be going through a divorce after you've brought another child into your family. Your main concern sounds like the children, so try to see your situation from their point of view. Maybe you're using the adoption thing as an excuse to get out of a loveless marriage? I don't mean to come off insensitive by any means. I do think that counseling should help you both clarify your goals and intentions and priorities. Has your DH already agreed to do counseling? Hope you don't come to a place where you have to choose between having more children or your husband. I would actually make the opposite choice. We have no children, and we've been trying to adopt for 3 years. If it came to choose a childless life or losing my husband, I'd rather go through life with my hubby in tow. Parenting without him just wouldn't make any sense to my heart. We want children so we can share our love for each other with them, so we can model for them what to look for in a spouse. Our love for each other is unconditional, and I wish the same for you and your husband and your family. :grouphug:

I am sending ((Hugs)) your way. There is much more I could say but I won't.

:dance: I agree with the other posts. Your husband may be still grieving the lost of your child. In the beginning of the marriage he probably was all for it. However, you all had biological children and lost one so things changed. Your husband may changed his mind later. However, I can only speak for myself. I would work on my marriage and enjoy the children we have and maybe later he may change his mind. If he don't, thats okay too. I still would put my marriage first.

I also agree with the other posters. I also would suggest clarifying your goals for counseling. As a counselor, if one member of a couple came in with the goal to get the other "a little more on my side" I would very likely refuse to work with them. Counseling won't work unless both parties are willing to look at their needs and work toward a common goal. I know you said you also wanted to get past your desperation, but I would encourage you to be open to understanding your DH's point needs and beliefs and to work together to fill both your and his needs.

I agree with all the pp's. Sorry you are going through this, but people change. I'm sure that when your husband made that agreement, he believed it. But things changed, you tried for a long while to get pregnant, and lost a baby. His mind has changed. Is that not allowed? It has only been a year since the loss of your son, and maybe he just needs more time. What if the tables were turned, and your DH had made a condition of marriage that you have 2 biological children, and you agreed ahead of time, but couldn't bring yourself to go through the fertility treatments a THIRD time and think about losing another baby at 22 weeks? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to make a point that life happens, and the way life happens tends to shape our view of the world. If you would choose adopting a child over your marriage, I personally don't think you have any business adopting a child until either your marriage is stable, or you are out of your marriage and have made your life on your own stable. Sorry.

I agree with this part of the statement. You should not adopt a child with a reluctant/unwilling partner. But, neither should you give up on your desire to have another child.You say he was reluctant to have the first child, and he may be grieving the loss of the second (or could he secretly be relieved?) and he is refusing to cooperate in the adoption process. So, how important is your marriage to him?You need to tell him plainly that this is more that a deal breaker -- it could be grounds for divorce. Then let him decide whether he wants to be "Married With Children" or "Home Alone"!

[QUOTE=MamaS]I agree with this part of the statement. You should not adopt a child with a reluctant/unwilling partner. But, neither should you give up on your desire to have another child. That's it exactly, neither one is fair. I know I come off sounding pretty selfish. I realize my husband also needs time to grieve the loss of our son. The problem, as I see it, is that I have ALWAYS been the one to compromise. I don't often feel like he tries to meet me in the middle. Most of the time I don't mind being the one to give a little but in this one case, when it is so very important to me, I am pretty hurt that he won't even consider trying things my way. It's very unfortunate that in this situation someone will get hurt no matter what. As far as other options - my fertility situation has worsened since the last pregnancy and we simply don't have the money for the treatments, or private adoption. All of you made very valid points that I have thought of quite a lot. It is one of my worries that our marriage is not strong enough/stable enough to be considering adoption. But we do work together pretty well as a team when we communicate. Part of why I wrote this was to process feelings I am just now beginning to admit. I plan to go to counseling (and yes, my husband agrees) to work on why I feel this way and what WE can do about it. I'm hoping I can get my husband to understand why this is so important to me and try to understand exactly where he is coming from. We have talked but we have such a different perspecitve it is hard to get anywhere. We approach risk differently. He would rather not try than get his heart broken (he asked me if I would say yes before he asked me to marry him!) where I want to jump in feet first and hope for the best. The way I see it, I survived the death of my son - and believe me when I say it was traumatic - it was not a simple miscarriage (not to downplay that situation), I can survive almost anything. Of course, we want more for our family than just surviving! I also want to take my daughter's feelings into account. She is very unhappy as an only child. If she was content the way things are I would probably be willing to wait. I don't think it will do lasting harm if she doesn't get a sibling soon, but it does hurt me to see how lonely she is. I appreciate the input on our situation. I'm hoping to have some things I can say to my husband that don't make it sound like I hate him for the decision he has made and convince him to at least leave the discussion open. If he just needs time to grieve I'm happy to give him that, but I'm afraid there is more to it and we are not in the same place on building our family. I said I wouldn't pick him over the chance to have more children - what I really mean when I examine that thought is that I'm afraid I will have to choose between staying with him and being this unhappy or leaving him. I think there probably is a middle road, its just hard to see right now. Please keep in mind that I am working on my feelings here - not making a decision. Thanks for letting me vent at least - I would still like to hear about anyone that had a reluctant spouse and how it worked out, even if it wasn't with the kind of complications we have.

biojen - as I read your reply, it occurred to me that indeed, we know only what little information was in your initial post. So when you said you're always the one to compromise, and now this is one situation you'd like to see your hubby compromise on, it made me think. You're right, compromise needs to be a two-way street. Something that I have personally found as a great alternative/supplement to counseling for couples is a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend. Ever since DH and I experienced it, we've joined the "movement" and are encouraging every couple to experience it for themselves as well. I swear by it. I'm convinced that if it doesn't help an OK marriage get better or a good marriage become great, then nothing can! Basically, it's a weekend of guided talks with an opportunity after each talk for you two to dialogue about each other's feelings. It's very intense, and even we - we always thought we had a quite good marriage - came away from it with even more! My experience with counselors has been less than helpful, so perhaps I'm biased. But this is a ministry that takes couples regardless of finances, and is worth it if you'd like to have it both ways - more kids and a hubby who's on board. ( [url=http://www.wwme.org/]Welcome | Worldwide Marriage Encounter[/url] )

I am regretting posting this when I was angry and frustrated. They are all true feelings but not something I feel every day. I got this email yesterday from my husband and it made me remember why I love him so much and chose to share my life with him. "In case things do not work out with M (teen we just found out we were matched with). I really hope that they will, but I am still looking at other kids (never really stopped). I know how important this is to you so I want to keep actively searching for possible matches. We do not have to inquire about them but I think we should keep a list of possible kids. I have been thinking about legal risk foster care lately. I know that you really want to do legal risk because it is probably the only way to get a baby. I think I am starting to become more open to the idea of caring for a baby that isn't going to be ours to keep and raise. Maybe we could talk about it in a few weeks. Here some links to some kids I want you to look at" I forget that sometimes when it seems like he isn't listening to me that he just takes longer to think through the really big things. I need to learn more patience and communicate better! Again - thanks for the space to vent and being honest.

@ biojen - my husband and I have exchanges like that all the time. We talk and maybe we are not really hearing each other, or think the other is not hearing us, but then we get surprised by emails like your hubby sent to you. I think he needed time to process - men do it differently than we ladies do. I'm glad that you are communicating. It's the first key to great marriage (+ date nights ;) ) Don't worry about the first post... you needed support and to vent at that time. We've all been there. Better to do it here anonymously than to gab with friends and relatives who may eventually mis-communicate what you said to your hubby. I see it as venting and frustration. Best wishes on your continued journey.

I have not read all replies so I apologize if I repeat anything someone has said. I am tired and need sleep or I would read them. No disrespect. I think your husband had great intentions before your loss. A loss like that men grieve differently. I know because my husband did. We lost a baby at 26 weeks and when we wanted to adopt he got cold feet and we went to counselling for some of his fears. Maybe he just needs reasurance, compassion and some time to process his feelings. Best of luck.

OP - thanks for sharing your hubby's email.... it sounds wonderful! And I know that some of our replies were harsh, but we too only had your original post to go off, and we have to fill in the blanks with our own imagination, and sometimes it's more or less forgiving. So you've been matched with a teen? That's wonderful. Are you then pursuing both - legal risk younger and no-risk older kids? or are you open to all ages period, but with a preference for a younger child? Just curious.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH lost several children through foster care. He's been trying to adopt for over five years. We got married a year and a half ago and now we're trying domestic infant adoption. Your DH and my DH seem to have some behaviors in common now. This is what we learned when we went into counseling: 1. My DH feels that if he doesn't try he can't lose again. 2. My DH feels that he will never recover the part of his heart that he lost with each child. 3. My DH feels that there isn't any support for men; they are not encouraged to cry, vent, etc. and there aren't any real support groups in our area for men who lose children in foster care. 4. My DH is emotionally exhausted and tries to avoid the issue--if he ignores it it will go away and he won't feel the pain anymore. 5. My DH is hoping someone will leave an infant at our door--he is afraid to love someone he might not be able to parent. I have found a song on the Christian radio that I love and am going to play for him. It's by one of the singers from Sanctus Rio and it's called "All of Me". His son was born with a serious heart issue and had surgery close to birh and it was touch and go for quite a long time. His name is Bowen. The singer wrote about that struggle of fearing to love someone he could lose. I wish you all the best! I've been trying to stay calm through praying, reading, journaling, listening to music, beading, and completing a jigsaw puzzle. I've also thrown myself into teaching again like never before (I've been teaching 14 years). We don't have any children so I've had to face life without them, and I try to think about all the blessings I have in my life rather than all the joy I could be missing. I hope this post helps you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't think your marriage is rocky. I think you are just facing a mountain you both have to climb, and I KNOW that you can do it if you work as a team. You might just be waiting for him to catch up to you, so you'd better keep holding on:) Jenn

funteacher - I think there's no support for any foster parents, in general, except maybe in a few select areas that make the effort (don't know of any off hand), not to mention for men in particular. I asked my social worker when we were preparing to transition our FD home if she had any resources she could recommend for foster parent grief. She replied with "what do you mean?" They tell you to treat these children as your own in the info session, but that is the last thing they want you to do. What they want is a robot that does what they're told and doesn't question "authority", pretends to create a family environment for any child/ren at the drop of a hat, and is perfectly ready to walk away and pretend nothing happened when the powers that be decide it's time for said child to move out. Thanks for itemizing these observations!

I hear you, anilorak13ska, I agree! I've been waiting for almost a week for my adoption caseworker to call me back and set up support group meetings. I've gotten MUCH more support on my own just talking with friends and praying. And yes, my DH felt the same way you do about the foster care system and many of the workers. It's sad.