Do You Ever Get Over?

Sancy, I read your post and it really was something I could relate to as I have had a very similar "reunion" as you describe. I even went back and read some of your previous posts and so so many of our experiences and feelings are similar. I have been in reunion for about 20 years with my bmom. The first few years were awesome and then.....well, I am honestly not sure what happened.....but our relationship changed. For the past 15 years or so, we have struggled (me much more than her I am sure) with our relationship. Like you, I had a deep desire to be with her as much as possible. I wanted to get together more, talk more, share more, etc. and eventually we had a conversation (that I initiated) about how I needed more and her response was "maybe you expect too much".....ouchy! So, then I had to figure out what to do with that :( I felt like she was saying "this is all I have, take it or leave it". Most days now we don't talk much and when we get together it is really awkward and uncomfortable. I guess when we reunited, one of the first things we should have discussed was what each of us wanted from the relationship going forward into the future. I spent A LOT of time being depressed about what I perceive as her ambivilence toward a relationship with me. I finally got so low that I had to seek help. I have been in therapy for several months and it is helping. My brain (my intellectual self) knows she is limited in her capacity to have the type of relationship I crave with her (not sure why though) but my heart is selfish and doesn't care about her limitations....I need to connect with my mommy!!! Recently I stumbled across some literature about a therapy called EMDR (eye-movement desensitizing response) that has been used for about 20 years on people suffering from PTSD, especially war veterans. Well, in my opinion, relinquishment can definitely lead to PSTD, so I decided to check it out. I found a qualified, trained EMDR therapist and went through it. I cannot begin to tell you what a difference it has made for me. I still feel disappointed about the lack of a relationship with my bmom but my "raw" emotions connected to that are gone. I really mean that.....they are gone. If you'd like more information on my experience with EMDR or you just want another adult adoptee to talk to who understands what you are going through, feel free to PM me anytime. We adoptees can help each other through this myriad of pain simply by being there for each other. p.s. my bmom tells me to "just get over it" too. I wish she could have the slightest idea how hurtful her saying that to me is. Best wishes in your healing.

No, on some level, it never goes away.A lady chose to get pregnant, chose to have the baby, chose to give you away. That invariably hurts.If I were going to have a relationship with a birth "parent," I would be extremely cautious and not expect much of a relationship. They already walked away from your life once... it's too risky to expect a "real" mom/child bond and a real relationship at this point. The best you can hope for is a positive reunion and some light relationship here and there.

I relate to that. Initially, my mother and I talked every day, and yet it still wasn't enough. I believe I so badly wanted back the 20 years I missed of her...and that deep desire caused me to crave the impossible. My advice is to sit down with her and just have a heart-to heart talk. For me, doing that remedied alot of things. It brought some much needed closure to the past, and by allowing us to be really honest with each other, I finally could trust her. Perhaps that's what your missing... if you cannot trust your mother's love, then the doubt will debilitate your relationship. That's what happened to me at first anyways. I trust her now, I believe she understands me enough, I realize I can never have the years back but that I have many years ahead..and even if I just see her once in a year, that's better than it was before.

Sancy from my own experience and what other posters have shared, I believe the grief, loss and feelings of abandonment remain with us. I have searched for b-family x 55 years without success. What has been hard to accept is that adoption happened. The events after the adoption also contributed to the ongoing loss.I have not re-united but many posters here have said that reunion does not wash away the adoption loss.It seems that there has been a great amount of healing. But the core related to grief, loss and abandonment remains.Luckily I was able to push all those feelings into the background so i could make a success of my life. They never left, only lurked and were available if I wanted to go there.All we have to look forward too is healing and it will come. It will be slow, and it can't be measured. Who knows how long recovery will take and as long as it happens, does it matter?I wish you the best.

Both the adoptee and birthparent have strong feelings. Other than bad timing & misunderstandings, I think in some relationships one person might have better coping skills than the other. In some families, it's the child; in some, the parent. Some of us have a hard time letting go of anything. Or, one might have trouble showing the feelings, for fear of rejection, or guilt. Again, it could be either one. None of that means they don't have the feelings and want what they feel they can't have.

As an adopted person; the anger ebbs and flows like the tide based on what's going on in my life. The feeling of rejection is the hardest to accept. I realize that the anger is not healthy so I try to rationalize. Talking about it helps put it in perspective. Denying it only makes it worse. I don't even know if it's anger, maybe it's the tip of the iceberg the anger; to protect us from the longing which never goes away. We can't redo our lives so that brings frustration. I have grieved until I am sick of grieving then I pull myself out of the mire and keep going; distracting myself. But it's there like a ghost. Anger is generally the surface for me. I have to get under it to find the kernel of pain and then bring it out and examine it to let the pain go. I don't want to become bitter so I try to keep in touch with what's going on. Sometimes the malaise of the spirit, loneliness or whatever is overwhelming but I let myself feel it for awhile and then shut that door because it's like a narcissistic wound that draw me to fixate on it; robbing me of all of the other good things around me. It lessens with exposure to the air. Letting people and myself know that I am in that kind of funk helps. Hopefully I will find away to limit it's affect on me.

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