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I'm in a 4-month relationship with a girl who was adopted and grew up feeling her younger sisters (neither of them adopted) were given preferential treat and now maintains a strained but civil relationship with her parents. Since we met, she had repeatedly insisted that 'soon you will be tired of me' or that she is not good enough for me which is ridiculous because she is beautiful and very smart and incredibly talented, and yet is convinced that I will abandon her and as a result, has been edging away and growing very cold and dismissive the last month or so. I feel as is she is testing me, to see how much it will take to get me to (inevitably, in her view) run out on her and because of her obsessively hypercritical view of herself she doesn't seem to hear any of the positive things I actually say to her--or at least she won't believe them. I'm not going to give up on her, but right now she's so distant it's like talking to someone who barely puts up with me and I'm convinced it arises from these issues combined with a pattern of emotional abuse from her mother followed by her first husband. I know this sounds like a lot, but apart from these issues things have been really perfect and I feel like she's worth any amount of effort on my part to help her with these issues. I just don't know if she'll ever trust me enough.
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Super, my husband would semi-jokingly tell you to run, run like the wind LOL But I will tell you we have been married for 27 years. So i guess we have learned to love and trust each other enough to have a secure and close relationship, as much as any relationship can be secure.
Does yer gal see what you see in her, in her self? Does she recognize it?
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When you ask her what she would need from you to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship, what does she say?
Her recent behavior with you may just become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you asked her if she's aware of that? Does she understand that if this relationship doesn't work out, she is at a high risk of failure in her future relationships because she'll still have these unresolved issues? Have you asked her if she's willing to work on these issues with you, even though means being vulnerable?
She doesn't see any of those positive things. She's super-critical of her looks and any minor weight fluctuation and very tentative about admitting how smart she is. Her first husband was-she has told me-'just like her adoptive mom' and very controlling and depressed and angry, but she stayed with him 8 years because (I think) she believed she didn't deserve any better. She has already been a ton of work but I've never met anyone remotely like her and we've had this almost supernatural connection from the beginning and feel like she's worth doing anything for. Also, I really hate the idea of becoming just one more person who gave up on her.
Sounds like you want to be a fixer. As an adult, you are well aware that you may be giving up on a lot of good things that would have otherwise come your way so that you can continue to pursue this unhealthy relationship. But if this is what you choose, it's what you choose. Good luck, and sending lots of healing thoughts to both your ways.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say this thread was about me.. I've struggled all my life with abandonment issues. My story is very very similar. I have a younger sister who is blood to the family, my mother's favorite line to me was "If I had known your sister was coming.." and I married young to a man who treated me like dirt because I thought that was what I deserved.
It took a year of self meditation and focus to turn myself around. Its something she will always struggle with. If you can get her to see that she is self sabotaging you can get her to start listening to you. Just keep telling her all the great things you see in her, hopefully one day she will wake up and realize self pitty is not the answer. Everyone has a tough life, use the pain to make yourself stronger...
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Thanks. Today she said 'I think I really am worth it, aren't I?' and I thought YES! Her first husband did a lot more damage to her self esteem than I realized initially. I think he realized she was way too good for him and kept her feeling stupid and worthless so she wouldn't realize it. Yes, I definitely do have a little of that whole fixer-thing going on.
SuperCollider
I'm in a 4-month relationship with a girl who was adopted and grew up feeling her younger sisters (neither of them adopted) were given preferential treat and now maintains a strained but civil relationship with her parents. Since we met, she had repeatedly insisted that 'soon you will be tired of me' or that she is not good enough for me which is ridiculous because she is beautiful and very smart and incredibly talented, and yet is convinced that I will abandon her and as a result, has been edging away and growing very cold and dismissive the last month or so. I feel as is she is testing me, to see how much it will take to get me to (inevitably, in her view) run out on her and because of her obsessively hypercritical view of herself she doesn't seem to hear any of the positive things I actually say to her--or at least she won't believe them. I'm not going to give up on her, but right now she's so distant it's like talking to someone who barely puts up with me and I'm convinced it arises from these issues combined with a pattern of emotional abuse from her mother followed by her first husband. I know this sounds like a lot, but apart from these issues things have been really perfect and I feel like she's worth any amount of effort on my part to help her with these issues. I just don't know if she'll ever trust me enough.
I can relate. When I get angry with my beloved I have told him to leave. He now just states "I am not going anywhere" which settles it and me down.
I think for me it was better to end a relationship than watch someone walk away. I have done that over and over again. Now after 25 years he calls my bluff.
I had to get counseling to realize I was worthy enough to be loved. It was tough but I am glad I did it. It took me to places I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but having gone through it; I know now I can make it on my own which eases all of the pressure.
Good Luck. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Call her on her nonsense but remember you will have to reassure her you aren't going to walk away. You might encounter a rage or silence. But just keep reassuring her that you won't walk away.
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