Reunion Gone Bad

I am glad someone does. There are times when I am ashamed that at 55...I still feel like a lost lamb. I was talking with my Aunt who is very supportive and I read her a story I wrote about issues related to being adopted. she said "Are you angry". It comes through in the story. I told her in the day to day grind; no I am not but there is some frustration you have trouble dealing with when you delve into things. It all started again when I sent an email after Christmas to my bmother. I was venting about my stupid stove that wasn't working. No reply. I don't know if she thought she had to help me financially or what but I certainly didn't expect that. I was just frustrated at the time. It turned out it was a breaker thankfully not the whole stove because I have no idea where I would get the cash to replace it. My brother had not arrived but would be visiting a day or so later. He travelled from the USA to visit. We had made loose plans about getting together. It's a bit overwhelming for him because my parents are getting older. Anyway no reply so I sent her an email saying "Did you get my email about the stove". She replies "yes but I didn't have any advice except to say I am sorry Keep smiling Spring is just around the corner." I was gob smacked. All I wanted was some understanding ie That sucks I hope it's not too expensive etc. Then after he leaves and I get no phone call or email she sends me an email saying you email account is sending "silly" emails. I apologized and that was that. I deleted all my contacts and tried to fix it. So she could take the time to complain to me but couldn't give me the courtesy of acknowledging my situation. That's what makes me crazy. She went into a tail spin because I called my brother when she sounded dejected related to caring for my father who has health issues. She said "I was venting Don't be like Olivia in the sopranos." I couldn't believe it. My brother called her of course and then she's ticked off because I shouldn't worry him. So I wrote the short story trying to put it on paper somehow. It's like having burnt skin peeled off digging around in this stuff. Or at least it's what I would imagine it to be like.

My reuinion was a little different. I was "found" by an aunt and cousin in 2009. My Bmom passed away in 2007 and they decided to look for me after that. I had been on registries since 1994. My A-mom and I went to a family BBQ where I was able to meet a lof of B-relatives. They were very polite, but I just did not feel like I fit in. The first problem was that I was 34 years old. There was absolutely no connection between myself and my b-cousins, aunts, etc. Only one aunt and two first cousins talked to me at all. Maybe if I had been younger...? The second was that they kept saying "Make this face", "Make that face" and how much I resembled my B-mom. I kept hearing over and over "Now we have our *Jane* back". I realized they were not looking for me, they were looking for a stand-in for the relative they lost. And I am not her, I am ME. The third is that I am still receiving tons of religious and political emails practically forcing their views down my throat. I really felt nothing for any of these people, except disappointment that I could not be who they wanted me to be. Last March I lost my Dad very suddenly, which devastated me. My dad was the person I loved most in the world. I am still not anywhere near over the loss. I was upset that not one single member of my B-family acknowledged my loss or pain. Not even a "hey, sorry to hear about your dad." All they want to do is compare me to my deceased A-mom. Maybe I am being very selfish, but that caused me to break off contact. They did give me the name of the person they think is my A-dad, but after this I do not even want to try to find that side of my b-family!! I am still thankful to this day that I have had such wonderful A-parents and extended family. : )

Good for you. It sounds like you have a very supportive adopted family. I can certainly understand why you would cut contact. It would drive me over the edge too if someone was sending me religious or political propaganda, never mind expecting you to be a substitute for their lost loved one. I don't think you are being selfish just practicing self preservation. If they didn't acknowledge your loss of your father it sounds like they might just be a little too self absorbed. Take care.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad.((HUG)). I never felt comfortable anywere near my bmom or bfamily prior to even knowing who they were and even after I found out. There was no "instant bonding" that I hear so much of, or feeling of finding that missing link. All I found was aggravation and medical information. Just goes to show that DNA does not make a family nor does it mean love. To me my aparents and abrother are my family and they only ones even though I do share DNA with others.

I am so glad you have such good support. My b father did not work either. Since he made up a story of not knowing he had a daughter (which infact did) the few realtives I did meet, just looked at me like I was his dirt. I never thought I would walk away from any b connection, but I did it just created so much more hurt and confusion. Good for you.

Isn't it incredible that people project their unfinished business with the people they had the interaction with on us? It boggles my mind how we are somehow determined to have had any control about our existence and that somehow we should be "beholding" to people who may or may not have provided the support necessary to help a sibling, daughter, sister who was in a situation where they were faced with making such as decision to give a child up. Sorry about the run on sentence there. I think that the people who adopted us are indeed deserving of recognition and thank God there are people who understand our need to search. People who stand by you when you are at your most vulnerable are irreplaceable. I don't negate how devastating it must have been for the people who gave us up. They are often disenfranchised or ostracized from the group. But wouldn't you think that people who are so judgmental about the circumstances would step in and try to "right the wrong" they perceive? It's those types of judgmental attitudes that forced some of our birth parents into feeling like adoption was the only acceptable way out. Then we become this big dark secret that should stay under wraps. It's outrageous. We are human beings and need to feel validated. I don't get how people can't see that. Sure people need to be cautious because I suppose there will be a need to set boundaries and you can't replace the past but it seems sometimes we aren't even given a chance to demonstrate we aren't out to become a "gaping wound" we just would like to get to know them. I don't expect anyone in my birth family to "fix" anything for God's sake I am not a child. I merely ask that they be sensitive to my situation.

Amen! :love:

How true murphymalone, we are human beings with the same needs and wants as they are. All I wanted was some honest answers, to understand and all they did were put more questions into my mind. I am so tired of them playing God with my life. Still very angry at the way all this went down.

I hope one day that there becomes an awareness that when a child is given up for adoption; there are a set of principles in place for those who are affected by the situation. The concept that adults in the situation who make a choice need their privacy protected is valid however the fact remains that the child who will be affected by the decisions has rights as well. We have the legislation in place at least here in Canada that a person who has been adopted can find out information if they wish. But it's not legislated nor can it be; that the people involved follow some simple principles regarding contact. Further rejection after making contact is such a sinister act. I feel for the people who were stripped of their power and had pressures from family, partners, finances, society, religious groups etc to give a child up. I can never fully understand how devastating that loss can be because I have never been in the situation. I can certainly empathize though having searched for 40 years and having met a variety of barriers based on secrecy. I despise the attitude behind the comment of the daughter of the woman; my Great Aunt who arranged the adoption. When she said "they have a life you know?" meaning my parents; it's a good thing I wasn't within arms reach. I was floored and to this day I would love nothing more than the opportunity to give this woman a tongue lashing; but I realize she is not worth the effort.Oblivious people who are not closely involved have so much power over us. They feel self-satisfied in their positions holding the golden key to a door that would explain so much. It's like they wave it in your face but relish the power of secrecy or some perceived sense of honourable protection that completely discounts our situation. I can speak to the pain of being held at a distance by someone's else's comfort level. It seems I am outnumbered. My birth family's collective concern for each other's well being emotionally seems to blind them to my emotional well being. I think that's why it's so sinister. We are outnumbered. There is no one on our side after we make contact. They have each other and their perceptions about how contact is affecting each other. There is often just one person on our side of the coin. So we are either forced into a holding pattern just outside the gate of the family or we are burdened with all of the responsibility for the upset. We become the focus of everyone's anxiety about the situation with no supportive group looking out for our best interests. If we are lucky we have the support of our adoptive family. But often that is not the case because our adoptive family has their own set of fears, concerns about being replaced. If we don't have a close friend who is in the same position trying to explain the feelings and overwhelming sense of abandonment/rejection we are in an ocean of trouble with no buoy.We are expected when we are at our most vulnerable to deal with all of this. When terms like "my son" is used instead of "your brother" the words are like a horse whip on our soul. "You should be grateful" is like a shot in the heart. Grateful are people kidding. Just like a gorilla will rip the head of someone who takes a baby from the mother's arms; their is a primal instinct of having been torn for the baby. When will people realize that. Some of us are walking around with a spear in our hearts.When I think of myself helpless at the moment when my mother walked away it drops me to my knees just as I am sure it tore her up to the point she had to shut down emotionally. The key to that door I do not possess. It's either been tossed away or she keeps it close to her. That door is opened a crack at times but it would take all the king's horses and all the king's men to make it right.I figure if I can't assemble the troops; to force it open I can only wait until the right phase of whatever moon rules her planet for her to see all I want is to be close to her. There is no money that could buy my heart nor do I want her any other way than as she is. She doesn't have to explain or apologize. I just need her to know that I am hers in her heart. So I am destined to wait. The more I tug the harder she pulls.If all I can do is write; in the hopes that I save someone else from the pain or enlighten someone who is cautious about how to go about things that's worth something.

Wow, murphymalone you are so right, they do hold the powerful key to our peace of mind and oh do they ever love to wave it at our faces. Both b parents would act like they were going to help me then they back out of it leaving me once again hanging. My b father would find every reason to get mad at me and not call me etc until I would call and act the way he thougt I should, I finally wrote him a letter and said goodbye. No one has ever been on my side. I have no support from my a family they have nothing to do with me. What a disfunction they are. You cannot possibly determine a good family with just a couple meetings. My b parents gave me up for themselves not for me. What child wants to be taken from their blood line and placed with strangers that are nothing like themselves. In all honesty, I wanted to go home and she still won't let me. It hurts.

It's all about finding home. I long to go back to the little town I was raised in; I know things have changed but I am searching for that feeling of being home. Your words resonate. I figure that if they are going to play games with our hearts it's probably healthier to try and make home from those who do care. I hope one day they wake up and realize all that they have missed. All of them. I hope there is a final reckoning for people somewhere in the plan. An enlightening moment where they see or feel the pain they've had a part in. I believe there will be. We can't change fate but we can stick to our destiny.

Susiema, MurphyMalone; SusieMa I think MurphyMalone brought up a great point. Those of us that have suffered rejection are reluctant to share. I was rejected by my birthfather after meeting...we stayed in contact for about a year sporadically-then nothing. The hurt is unbearable at times and definitely puts me in a depression. I have asked why with no reply. Now I will always wonder. My birthmother and I email, but she cannot imagine meeting, as her life is full taking care of my half-sister who has cancer. She does not want her to feel she would ever be replaced. She cannot remember events surrounding the adoption and cannot deal with stress. Often I find I am an outlet for her stress and give advice when asked. Her family knows about me but not the extent of contact, as she wants to keep it to herself since she never imagined I would ever be in her life. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for contact, however, as per her generation of birthmothers, she was told to move on and accept. She lives in deep denial in many ways. I have 4 half siblings and am only in touch with one. 2 on bm's side I have been told not to contact. The rejection just hurts. But I agree, through all the pain, it was better to take the risk, than never to have done anything at all. I hold on to that when it gets me down. You are not alone.

I was also told to forget my son and get on with my life when my son was adopted. So I got on with my life but I never forgot him. My son's birthday was always the hardest day to get through with Christmas and Mother's Day being difficult to deal with as well. I suffered with depression before my son was born but it got much worse afterwards. I couldn't remember much about the events leading up to my son's adoption but when we reunited it came flooding back. The pain was intense and my depression became severe for a long time. I ended up on anti depressants which I will be on for the rest of my life. When our reunion failed I found it hard to cope with as I felt like I had lost my son again.

I am sorry to hear that the people you want to have a connection with aren't there. I struggle with feeling like I am on the outside looking in and I can't seem to find my way through the door. I have realized all I can do is offer the olive branch and try to stay sane. It's tough.

Looking at this forum - it would appear that the majority posting are the adoptee. But, what to do when the adoptee doesn’t respect family boundaries ? Not all of us who grew up with our BF had a great childhood or have a great relationship with BPs.