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We were matched with two brothers, ages 10 and 11. We visited them at their foster parents several times so they could get a chance to know us before they were told we would be their adoptive family. Now that they know who we really are, the younger boy is having trouble with the idea of leaving his foster parents. They are an older couple who would like the boys to be adopted by younger parents for various reasons, and have had the boys for almost 3 years now. We completely understand his feelings and how important his bond to them are. We are planning to continue having contact with the foster family after the adoption. They are a wonderful couple and have been great parents to the boys. The older boy is much more open to the idea of having an adoptive family. Our next visit will be the first since they were told we were going to be their forever family. We are looking for advice from someone who has been there/done that or anyone that would like to share their opinion on how to answer questions like "do I have to go", and "can I come back if I don't like it". We are also planning to show them pictures of the house and other family members they will be close to. Do we introduce them as "this will be your Grandpa, and this will be your Grandma, ect....We don't want to overwhelm the younger one, but want him to have the chance to see who and what our family is like and maybe becoming more open to the idea of joining it. Any other advice or stories from your experience would be appreciated. Thanks !!
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I would actually hold off on the pictures of the family, for this visit. Do show them one of your home and in particular their room(s). If you have any other children in your home, show pictures of them with a short explanation as to who and how old they are (this is B, he is 7 and is our son). At 10 and 11 they are old enough to figure out that if you say B is your son that he is their new brother. I would then introduce pictures of the extended family a few at a time, perhaps in family groups - ie: this is Grandpa A and Grandma R. They are my parents. Then this is Aunt Q and Uncle V. Aunt Q is dh sister.
Good luck.
Thanks...we have been really conflicted about how much to share with them regarding other family members and such. We want them to know what are family is like in hopes that they will be curious enough to start thinking about what it might be like to be part of our family but we don't want to cause them any additional stress about leaving their foster parents, especially the younger one who is feeling like he is losing yet another set of parents. If anyone else has additional advice, please reply. Thanks !
Ps...we do not have any other children and are going to be first time parents...so we could use any and all opinions and advice. I am so glad I found this forum. I'm sure I'll be asking for lots of advise from you all.
Yes, the foster parents are definately going to be a part of their lives even after the adoption. We all thought this would be very important for the boys and the foster parents are very happy that we are more than willing to let them be involved. We think it's great that the boys will have that extra love and support in their lives. They've lost so much already, we couldn't imagine taking that from them as well.
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Go slow. Remember - after three years in a foster home - this will be a huge loss for them. They will need time.
I would hold off on pictures. For now I would focus on you getting to know them rather than the other way round.
and as your transition starts, limit the number of visitors to your home. I wouldn't start introducing them to a bunch of family and friends. Keep it tight for the first several months. Just you and them.
Find an attachment therapist NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find an agency or therapist who specializes in adoption/attachment work. They aren't easy to find, but are worth their weight in gold.
I did want to add that the fact that they are attached to the foster parents is a very good thing. It means they can can attach. It would be a huge red flag if they were easily able to leave. Be aware the questions they ask may seem materialistic to you, it's just that they are kids. They might ask if they will have the same toys, the same video games or TV or yard to play it or favorite park. They will be afraid and won't have the words to ask if you are going to love them the way the foster parents do. Another question they will have but may be afraid to ask is what you will do when you are mad, what will you do when they misbehave. Will you yell, hit, send them back? Be honest, if one of you sometimes gets louder when angry, tell them that.
subscribing to this.
the angel we interviewed for last week has this same issue, it's definitely heartbreaking to see them heartbroken, so I'm popping in for tips in case we're selected
good luck and I agree with the attachment therapist suggestion. It'll help them attach to you and it is good that they show they can attach. YAY!!
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If they're close enough and willing, could the FPs bring the boys over to your home, and stay for lunch/ dinner with you, as part of the transition? So all of you are eating and socializing in *your* home? That is one of the things the attachment specialists recommend in this area. It is a concrete demonstration that 1) You truly are open to have the FPs as part of your life and home 2) You're not trying to separate the boys from FPs 100% 3) The FPs (the people who've been their security blankets) know how to find your home, and find the way back from your home. It's one thing to say, "Oh you'll see them later," but to demonstrate it, so much more reassuring. Agree with the "keep their world small" concept for after move-in, but would not cut out the people who've been in their lives for so long, who they love so much. If the FPs are open to it, after transitioning to your home, I'd have weekly visits with them for a while, then monthly. Let the transition be a true transition, not a slow build up to a shut door. Let the needs of the children be front and center.
Thanks for all the advice. Our visit went really well and the boys both showed interest in the pictures we did bring and we took a video of our home to show them. We just told them we thought they might like to see where we lived and did not say "this is your room and that is your room", since the youngest is feeling sad and unsure about leaving, but the funny thing is that he was the first to say "that one is my room". We thought that was encouraging. We are very happy that they did attach well to their foster parents, but it is so sad to see them struggle with the reality that they will be leaving them. They are in therapy now and we will be going with them as we get closer to the big move and will continue to go after the transition. The next visit the foster parents will be bringing them to our home and staying with them while they are here. We thought that would be more comfortable for the boys the first time. I'm glad to see the previous poster had the same thoughts on this. I cannot say enough good things about the boys foster parents. They are so helpful and really do want what's best for the boys. The boys will definately get to spend time visiting with them. We have even discussed overnight visits during school breaks. I can't wait until its our turn to take them to have visits with the foster parents since that means they'll finally be living with us!!
My son is/was very attached to his foster family, and I second the fact that that is a great sign. His foster parents were very supportive during the transition by encouraging him to start calling them "Aunt" and "Uncle" (which he continues to do to this day), and during visits he would bring items that he could leave at our house, so it started feeling like home.
His social worker talked with him about the fact that the FPs love him and always want to be a part of his life, but they are not adoptive parents and that being adopted was his goal.
Like you, we were young first time parents. It was SO valuable (especially early on) to have a supportive, experienced foster parent who has experience parenting my son. You don't know how many times we called her with questions like, "if he did xyz, what worked to calm him down?" Don't take that for granted for a second :)
Best of luck!