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We adopted a 10-month-old boy from an Eastern European orphanage (the clean, well-stocked variety staffed by disinterested automatons) last July. He's now 16 months. He has obvious anxious attachment style that doesn't seem to be improving, getting worse if anything. He goes into complete panic, if one of the three people he trusts are not within a few feet of him. Those three are myself (and it is only me if he is sick, tired or hungry), my husband and my 18-year-old niece who accompanied us to get him at the orphanage. Even my mother, who lived with us for an entire month and is loved by all children (and she is a therapist for abused children, so she knows her stuff) was rejected and feared.
If we get too far away from him he goes completely stiff as a board, shakes terribly and screams a completely blood-curdling scream for as long as necessary to bring one of us back. He will also do this if brought into anything resembling an official office or doctor's office or into a group of adult women who pay too much attention to him - even if he is being held in my arms the whole time. He will scream if anyone he does not trust tries to make too direct eye-contact with him.
We were prepared for even worse attachment issues than this. This is merely exhausting, given that my niece isn't around all that much and that means my husband and I have to switch off being completely attached to this rather large baby. But now it appears that he is increasingly trying to hurt adults, especially me. He punches my face with surprising strength and deadly aim. If I hold him on my lap, even though he appears to enjoy it, he will wait until I'm relaxed and then head-butt me in the face, also with very good aim. He likes to do the "grab and twist" on my breasts and he bites very hard on any part of the body he can. Most but not all of the time, he does this when he is at least a little bit upset or simply to announce that he wants something. I know a certain amount of this can happen with any toddler but it is starting to seem a bit extreme and we have started to wonder if this isn't connected to his attachment problems.
All I know to do for the anxious attachment is to reassure him by staying close for as long as it takes, but I hope there is something I can do to tone down the physical stuff because I am visually impaired and he can and does hurt me, I can't see it coming and can't simply stop him physically very well and this really adds to the daily strain of raising two toddlers. Any advice?
P.S. He doesn't appear to have any other health problems and his reported personal and family histories don't list any problems.
Arianna
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An attachment therapist could teach you some activities that promote the growth of attachments. Games that promote eye contact, disallow self-feeding and other activities that promote independence.Keeping him with you is probably a good idea. When he is not able to sit nicely with you, you could swaddle him so that he can't hurt you. He would surely fight the idea but when he gets used to it he might like it.
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I feel for you...my daughter was the very same. It was so hard. But he is very young still. Give him back a bottle and feed him and sing to him as you feed him. I bottle fed my girl with chocolate milk which she loved and sang baby songs to her. If she turned her head away I would take away the nipple and reward her when she looked at me...I would continue singing but give and take away the nipple as she made eye contact. I also added as many eye contact games as possible during the day. Yes, it is hard work but eventually there will come a day when he will love you back. If he refuses the bottle you can try candy MMs. Reward when he looks into your eyes and sing. When he is being physical toward you ignore the bad behavior. I was head butted so many times I learned to hold my daughter sideways...and I had to keep her nails short as she loved to scratch my face.
That's interesting. I never thought that he might have some other attachment issues besides anxiety. I never thought I had to try those things for getting a baby to look at you because he is so clingy. I have a hard time with eye contact because I am visually impaired and supposedly I don't "do it right" even when I try to fake it. But there are supposedly other ways to reach the same goal - lots of physical touch mainly. I do try to hold him as much as I can but it is hard with two toddlers and a household with absolutely no extended family or other support. I'm just afraid I'm not doing enough. Although this week the hurting people issue has appeared to diminish, perhaps temporarily. We'll see. He is making up for it with even more intense clinginess and constant screaming. It is good that he is so physically healthy or I would be constantly worried that he could be sick or hurt with all his screaming. Whew! Finally both toddlers are asleep at the same time. I'm exhausted. :P
Hi GrumblersRidge,
You sound like a very dedicated and special mom - your son is very lucky to be a part of your family. It's not easy to help a child who's had a difficult start to life learn how to connect with parents and caregivers, and I wanted to offer some information that I hope will be helpful. I work with Focus on the Family, and we hear from many families who are experiencing the same kinds of struggles you described. We're able to refer them to the websites of Texas Christian Universitys [URL="http://www.child.tcu.edu/"]Institute of Child Development [/URL]and [URL="http://empoweredtoconnect.org/"]Empowered to Connect[/URL], both of which offer a rich variety of helpful articles, videos, and other useful information. There is also [URL="http://www.child.tcu.edu/DVD%20sales.asp"]Empowering, Connecting, and Correcting Principles[/URL], a two-hour DVD presentation featuring Dr. Karyn Purvis; and [URL="http://empoweredtoconnect.org/finding-a-place-to-start/"]Finding a Place to Start[/URL], a four-minute video.
I understand how challenging and exhausting (to say the least) things are right now, but I hope you'll be encouraged to know that there are others who have walked this road and have been able to build a strong bond with their adopted child and help them to thrive. Take good care, ok?
Yes, you sound like a terriffic Mom. I agree with another poster. Please don't wait regarding Attachment Therapy. See a true Attachment Specialist and make sure it's 1:1 therapy. I am a nurse and as of last summer had never heard of RAD. I only knew the words "bonding issues". If I had only heard those words I would have immediately taken Zach to a Specialist when he was a toddler. Now he's 14 and living away from home @ a christian boarding school called Agape Boarding School in Stockton, Missouri. We hope that he can come home the end of summer. He'll then go into a private school in Bellevue, Washington, for kids with "issues". He's doing well but he's "contained". I'm telling you this so you can see what happens when these kids don't get help. Yes, I do believe that God has a plan for Zach's life and that he will be mostly healed at some point. That said, it's still going to be tough when he gets home as he'll get "triggered". Your child is still young and I think correct therapy will be very helpful for him. God Bless.
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It has been a little while since I started this thread. My little one is now 17 month old. He has pretty much stopped the problems with hurting adults. His anxiety level is also improving. It isn't easy. I would still say he's an emotionally needy child, but now it seems like what he is getting is what he needs. He just needs a lot of it.
Unfortunately, we live in a country where there simply are no attachment therapists. There is a handful of top experts who actually understand what attachment issues are but not really anyone who knows more about therapy than I do. My mother is a therapist in the US, so I have some access to techniques, but I'm not the same as a properly educated therapist with experience with a range of kids, who could tell if what I am seeing really is progress.
It is ironic that we have no therapists because the Czech Republic is probably one of the worst offenders today in producing attachment disorders through institutionalization of children. While there are countries with orphanages in much worse physical shape, we have the highest percentage of children in institutions in all of Europe. No country really can match us in terms of systematically shelving infants. Okay, it isn't irony. It is probably the direct result of the fact that we have no therapists. If we had therapists and people who understood attachment, they would raise such public outcry that the system would be changed.
Hello Arianna.
Sounds lik you have you have been working really hard with your little guy. I do have an idea for you since you are leaving in a country without much for therapists. We have gotten guidance abpnd support from Hope Connections. They were awesome and I often credit Dtacy for saving our family. They do in home coaching sessions and ca do them via Skype with a bluetooth. Can give you lots of tips and guidance. Their website is [url=http://www.tohavehope.com]Hope Connections - adoption - Hope Connections - support[/url].
Hope this helps.
Kelly
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You sound like an awesome, loving mom!! I'd suggest you check out the blogs of awesome "trauma mamas" who are parenting RADishes from hard places, as they've got great suggestions for building attachment and "therapeutic parenting":Diana adopted 2 toddler RADishes from Ukraine (and sometimes does attachment parenting webinars) -- fromsurvivaltoserenity.blogspot.comKatt adopted an 8 month old RADish from Russia -- mommyneedstherapy.blogspot.comChristine Moers is a "guru" of therapeutic parenting and has great how-to videos on YouTube. My fave is the "Pee Song" -- Welcometomybrain.netAdopted a RADish as a toddler (he's now 16) -- sherific.blogspot.comAdopted 3 RADishes aged 10 months - 9 years, the 2 youngest still live at home -- waldenbunch.blogspot.comAdopted a RAdish aged 11 -- [url=http://www.baggageblog.com/?m=0]I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine...[/url]Adopted 5 Haitian RADishes, 4 of which still live at home:Homeasoftplacetofall.blogspot.com
I want to update, so that people who might encounter similar things can see the timeline. Almost exactly 10 months from when we brought him home (when he was 10 months old), he spent about 10 minutes in another room with other children and adults. We were attending a workshop and there was very good childcare provided. He was okay, knew where we were, had his older sister with him and he managed to stay for ten minutes before he became anxious and started screaming. This was a major breakthrough. Five months ago, he couldn't be even 10 feet away from us in our home or out of physical touch if anywhere outside our home. So, the anxiety is definitely receding. He does not hurt adults any more. He sometimes makes a motion to bite when he is angry but he stops himself. He does hit his sister, which she clearly taught him to do by hitting him, quite normal.
So, a 10-month-old from an orphanage with absolutely no attachment possibilities previously, after another 10 months with our family, doing basic attachment parenting but not therapy and this is the result. Of course, this was clearly an anxious attachment issue rather than reactive. I've seen babies the same age come out of orphanages with reactive or ambivalent symptoms.
Hi! You are doing a great job!
If you are able to check out [url=http://www.attachment.org/]Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder[/url]
Nancy has some great resources, I'm not sure if they ship out of country,but there are some really good videos and books to order.
One thing I would recommend is wearing him in a sling. Also the bottle feeding with a sweet liquid he likes (chocolate, strawberry milk or juice?) like the pp recommended, with taking away when the eye contact stops. He probably didn't get the bottle feeding/eye contact as a baby.
We did that with our little guy we adopted at age 14 months (who is now 6) and it was very helpful.
My friend has an adopted 7 yr old, who came to her at 15 months,and she also had severe ANXIOUs attachment issues. She still is a bit anxious if her brother is not in sight,but she has progressed so much! My friend also did the bottle feeding and sling wearing every day for at least 6 months when her dd moved in.
I did carry him in a sling for the first couple of months. He got really heavy and I can't carry him anymore because of fractures in my feet. I did exclusive feeding for quite awhile and we've never pushed him to be with anyone else for any period of time. The most important thing was that my husband or I or my niece (who went to the orphanage to pick him up with us and was thus one of the few people he would trust) had to be less than 10 feet from him for like six months. That was a big strain on the family but I think sticking too it and not forcing him to be cared for by someone paid off. Today for the first time, he wandered off about 100 feet in the woods and didn't panic at all. Slightly worrying but yet a change.
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My ds was 19 mos old when we brought him home. He came from a loving foster family and went thru a grieving process before he began to attach (about 3 days). I did not think he had any trouble attaching to us. But he did have quite a temper like you described. I thought at the time it seemed more than what I thought was normal. My son is now 20 yrs old. Looking back, I think he was expressing anger relating to the loss of the world he knew, a part of grieving. Also, the rules changed quite a bit. The foster family probably did not care if he was rough with home furnishings and dcor. Bur I DID. It must have been confusing to him. The adjustment period took over a year. He is fine now. I am proud of him.