reunion? worth it?

The problem going into making contact is that you have no idea if the other has any interest at all. As a birthmom who relinquished in 1972, I have been in reunion since 2005. I did know that he had looked for me, because I found his info in the registry on here. I personally had no expectations, I was open to what he wanted. Even if he didn't want a relationship at least I knew he was alive. He was 32 when we made contact and it has been a good relationship for both of us. My advice is to take it slowly, and be truthful that you don't know what you want. We call it a roller coaster for a reason. There is incredible emotion when we first make contact and I have read stories of adoptees who have left home to move in with or near to the birth parents. (I don't recommend it!) Try to take it one day at a time. Remember either of you may pull back because of the emotional stress you encounter. That's not saying the other person is horrible or that you don't want a relationship... Good luck!

Thanks Kathy and all other birth parents for the advice. Now that I think of it, I don't think I personally know any birth parents so it's nice to be able to hear your point of view. I was born in the early 70's and with all the secrecy during that time, it makes it difficult to know if my birth parents just want to keep everything in the past. I think I could deal with getting my feelings hurt but to think that I could hurt someone's else's or someone that wasn't even involved in the adoption (wives/husbands/birth siblings), is what holds me back.

My suggestion would be to contact the bparents without involving spouses etc. if you can. Most bmoms I know have always thought and wondered about their child. (Unless they've really buried it deeply because it hurt so much.) You might want to tell her that you understand if she wants to keep it in the past. Then give her your info so she can contact you if/when she's ready. Regardless of who is doing the contacting, it comes as a shock to the other side, so it make take time. I need to tell you that D was never a secret in my family. My husband said afterward that he always kind of expected a phone call or a knock at the door. D's bdad and I were friends all his life. I don't know if he told his first wife; I do know he told his second wife. Unfortunately he died in 2000 of cancer, and so they never got to meet.

I'm a first mother in reunion. You must do alot of work on yourself before you attempt contact. Reunion will bring up much pain, for both you and your first mom. Pain you didn't even know you had, if you don't do the work first. Good luck! I'm sure your first mother would love to hear from you!!

I have had some contact with my son but after the initial 'honeymoon' period it didn't go to well. We had different expectations, boundaries were ignored and he has anger issues with adoption. I'm still thankful for the contact we did have as I know he is alive, well and has a family that love him very much. I had to go through it again I would because I also love my son.

VancouverShar, I wondered if you would please explain a little bit what type of work one needs to do before attempting contact? Or maybe that should be a totally different thread? I'm curious, because like many of us here my reunion hasn't panned out as I thought it might. As lostmother2012 mentioned, my b-mom and I had our "honeymoon" period and the whole 9 yards. I don't feel as though I have anger or pain over the adoption. If anything I'm more annoyed with the lack of response I've received from my birth family. I'm just curious to hear your thoughts of what type of work one should put in. Thanks! PADJ

VancouverShar, I was tired when I responded and I agree with PADJ. When I surrendered my son I was told to forget about him, get on with my life, I would never be allowed to search for him, he could when he turned 18 but he would be too happy with his adoptive family to search. Subsequently I internalised his adoption and even when I got married I couldn't talk about my son as it was too painful. My husband did know about my son. I didn't know I could get counselling until after my son and I reunited. I couldn't afford to go private, the free counselling didn't help so I joined msn groups that were adoption related but those closed down ages ago. There was no way to prepare myself for reunion. Nothing could have prepared me for my son's anger. He has been given answers to his questions though.

Thank you so much for your posts - such sage advice and openness here. It really is horrible that we first mothers and adoptees were not given any help with our trauma and grief. Dealing with that trauma/grief would've gone a long way in preparing for reunion. When it isn't dealt with it appears that reunion brings pain but the fact is it was always there. In my opinion, it is the truly ugly side of the adoption 'triangle'. I put the word triangle in quotes because it really isn't. A triangle has three equal sides and that is just not the case with adoption.Of course there is going to be pain and the resulting anger from adoptees. They suffer multiple traumas. Just dealing with the paradox of 'Your mother loved you so much she gave you away'. How does a child compute that? Many adoptees will tell you they have no pain and anger over adoption. I don't believe it. Of course, there will be more or less depending on their own personal experiences. Why is it that it seems to be the rule and not the exception that once the honeymoon of reunion is over everything seems to fall apart, badly? Is it a coincidence that these periods seem to average about 9 months? Why do I so often hear 'it's not going as planned' but in the same breath 'I had no expectations'? Really? Its like when I hear an adoptee tell me they never thought about their first parents growing up. The human brain just doesn't function that way. Perhaps its just too painful to acknowledge.As for preparing for reunion - perhaps it does need it's own thread. As we all know, every situation is unique and I acknowledge that I'm generalizing here. Adoptees and first mothers need to be able to empathize and have deep compassion for each other. That's not as easy as it sounds when you have someone raging at you - to the point where it feels abusive. We need to educate ourselves. I believe The Primal Wound is a must read for all involved. For those children lost to adoption before Roe v. Wade, reading up on the 'baby scoop era' ([url=http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Away-Surrendered/dp/0143038974/ref=pd_sim_b_1/192-6381801-8473330]Amazon.com: The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade (9780143038979): Ann Fessler: Books[/url]) will give them some insight and may give them some empathy for their mothers so they can direct their anger away from her.For the adoptee, before attempting contact, can you feel that it really isn't possible to be 'abandoned' again? If you think you can than you're not ready (in my opinion -imo). "{removed link}Do you rejoice on your birthday or do you try to ignore it and pretend like its any other day? Ignore it - you're not ready (imo). Have you acknowledged and dealt with the pain of all your losses? The psychological death of your mother from birth? The loss of your clan, shared heritage, who you look like, shared abilities, skills, personality traits? If you haven't grieved for these, probably not ready.For first mothers, have we dealt with our grief, anger and multiple losses? Have we acknowledged how deeply this has affected all our relationships? Can we empathize with the multiple traumas our lost children have suffered? Are we aware of the overrepresentation adopted children have in areas such as ADD, anger management, addiction? Are we aware of the neurological affects that adoption has proven to cause on the brain? Do we know that many adoptees abhor conflict, are people pleasers, and can be truly devastated by any critisism? One adoptee told me that what may feel like an insect sting (from critisism) for the non-adoptee feels like a shark bite to them? That boundaries unless given in the most gentle and caring way will feel like an attack? Are we aware of the conflict of two mothers has? Are we aware that our child may try to sabotage our relationship in fear of being 'rejected'? If not, we're not ready either.Sadly, unless we heal ourselves and learn as much as we can about the 'other's' pain it is likely our reunion will not go as well as it should. Even if it does faulter, it can still be salvaged with understanding, patience and that ever present love. It isn't easy but with alot of work we can all heal from this. "The horrors of war pale beside the loss of a mother" - Anna Freud "and the loss of a baby" - Joe Soll

VancouverShar, Thanks so much for posting again. You've provided a lot of information and food for thought. And again I ask if maybe it should become its own thread. If so, I nominate you to begin it! :D I think one of the most thought provoking parts of your post was "When it (pain) isn't dealt with it appears that reunion brings pain but the fact is it was always there." I don't believe I'd ever thought about it in that way but I can see the point. I may be one of those who doesn't realize that I'm toting around a big ol' anger-ball about being adopted, but I really cannot ever remember feeling upset about it. I have definitely been more put off by how my birth family members that I've reached out to so far have reacted...or not reacted. As for some of your other points, "...can you feel that it really isn't possible to be 'abandoned' again?" In my case, being re-abandoned, or rejected to use another word, was one of the possibilities that I did consider before searching. I considered it right along with that I might not like what I found at the end of the search, but finally decided that right or wrong, good or bad, it was more about the journey than the end. In other words, my case was more about helping to complete my self-picture than it was about finding mom or dad. I don't know if that's typical...everyone is different. "Do you rejoice on your birthday or do you try to ignore it and pretend like its any other day? Ignore it - you're not ready (imo)." At the risk of sounding hugely rationalizing, I've never considered my birthday to be a big deal, so rejoice? No. But I don't try to ignore it, or escape from it either. I guess all of this may turn completely different if my b-mom suddenly did a 180 tomorrow and wanted to meet. I don't know how that would unfold. It would be an emotional moment, and sure there are questions and all. Sitting here typing though, the first question I'd like to ask her at this hypothetical reunion would be "what the heck took you so long (2+ years)?" Best, PADJ

PADJ, I hear what you're saying! Why would it take so long for your mother to meet you? This is a quote from [website link not allowed]"Understandably, many adoptees explain that their adoptive parents are their only real parents and they love them dearly, but that they searched to gain information about themselves. Newspapers are full of articles about adoptees saying that they are not looking for a mother, but for themselves or their own identity.

Your natural mother may feel she is again being reduced to a data bank. Just as she once surrendered you to others while her own needs went unmet, she may feel she is now being asked for information but that again her feelings and needs will be ignored. She may feel she has given everything without receiving anything in return, and will be reluctant to give still more if she fears that you too, will take what you want from her and then abandon her with no thought for her needs.

Even if she is able to struggle through the many pains and losses that have already occurred, your natural mother may fear that there are more to come if she accepts you now. It may hurt her terribly that she could not mother you.

Opening her heart to you would make your natural mother vulnerable to a later rejection by you. If she welcomed you as the beloved daughter or son she lost, how would she feel at being only a friend or acquaintance to you? To what extent would you accept her? Would she be asked to your graduation or wedding? Would you want to spend Christmas or Passover with her? Would you regard her as the grandmother of your children, including her in events in their lives? Or would you want to see her on rare and secret occasions, carefully hiding the relationship from others? She may feel that not only have adoptive parents taken her place in your life as a child and in raising you, but that by accepting you now she would lose you again, this time by inches, by being relegated to a lowly and insignificant place in your life, if she were included at all."This is alot of stuff for a first mother to work through! Can you understand why it could take years and years and maybe never?"Your natural mother must climb a painfully steep and rocky path through her many feelings about your surrender before she can move forward to reconciliation. Her ability to walk a part of that path or all of it is not a reflection on you or on your worth or on your importance to her but on how well she herself can deal with the fears and pains that your loss and society's attitudes about the surrender have caused her. With time and support your natural mother may grow to accept the gifts you offer."This is why I say it simply is NOT possible for you to be abandoned again, or rejected. It is her inability to deal with her pain.Have you had a chance to read the Primal Wound? It really isn't possible to not have pain and anger from adoption. It is possible that our coping mechanisms cover it but trust me sweetie, it's there.I really admire your strenth to go on this journey! It certainly isn't an easy one. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective with me. It is a blessing :love:

This may seem nit-pickey...but, the above is not technically a true statement. A triangle does not necessarily have three equal sides and, most of the time, doesn't.

LOL, Sarah...made me laugh because one of my kids is doing geometry this week in math class and we have been discussing all sorts of triangles.Vancouver & Pad - it seems like you two are very similar; even in how you write! Are you sure you aren't related?;) It's often a small world after all.I would say that it's not in anyone's best interest to say so unequivocally some of the things stated about reunions and especially how adoptees or bmoms feel. We can empathize all we want, but we really can't speak for another side or even pretend we know how people truly feel. Everyone is different. My dh for example, doesn't give the Primal Wound that much weight. Nor does he feel he had pain being adopted. I recognize he's only 1 person, but I say it because I feel often he and other adoptees who feel similar are often not "allowed" to truly voice their thoughts. For what it's worth, his bmom doesn't seem to fit the "mold" either.I just caution everyone on this train of posting because we have lost a good number of adoptees who don't fit this "persona" they are often assigned here and it's important to remember to not speak for an entire group of people.

Thanks for posting that. I chose to not respond to that line of posting because some of the posters made quite clear that my line of thinking (and your DH's it sounds like) isn't possible...Also crick, since I'm an engineering major and pretty much LOVE math (lol, yea I'm weird...and a nerd lol), I kinda felt like I should say something about the geometry reference. It was a small thing in that post, but, like I said, I love math.

Vancouver & Padj - it seems like you two are very similar; even in how you write! Are you sure you aren't related? It's often a small world after all.

Now that would be a capper to the whole thing, wouldn't it? After all the hoops that have to be jumped through with the searching and the gathering information and the reaching out to say hi...to bump into someone you're related to on an adoption site without even knowing it. I don't think there's much chance, but the way things seem to go sometimes, who knows? :D One of the things that I try to resist is putting anyone into a one size fits all box, and certainly as individual as adoptions are this is not the place to do so. That said, I don't know if Vancouver is right or not. I don't know if I've got some big old anger-ball about being adopted. I do know that if I do, it's at a subconscious level. I grew up knowing I was adopted. It was just part of me. I don't feel like in my case there's any more reason to be angry about that than having blue eyes. And one final thought...I have considered on multiple occasions that my b-mom's lack of urgency in reuniting may be attributable to a lot of things. Among those things is that while I didn't do anything "wrong," I may be, however, a huge reminder to her of less happy times, painful memories and what not. So yes I can get how that could take a long time to work through, or maybe never work through. And that's also one of my larger sources of annoyance...that I recognize that both sides probably have a lot of healing and growing to do on different levels. Often, what seems so obvious to ourselves is apparently less so to others. Ah, me. But...TGIF! Best all, PADJ

LOL! Yes, I realize a triangle is a polygon and doesn't necessarily have equal angles ;) However, google adoption symbols - triad, and you'll always get one with three equal sides/angles. If you find one that doesn't - please post it for me! I would greatly appreciate it! I did state in my thread that I'm generalizing here. I will make note to state that at the beginning of every comment from now on :) I kinda assumed that we all understand that there are no 'cookie cutters'. As for pain... well, I could go on but will leave that for others.