Does anyone here prefer closed adoption?

Lots of interesting responses on here. I do appreciate seeing the input from adoptees because they have lived some of what my children may experience at some point. Definitely researching and mulling it over is a good idea before making a decision on a closed adoption. Like many paps I didn't like the idea of open adoption at first. Nobody wants to feel like a second place parent in this process and feel like they have taken on an 18-year babysitting project. More than anything else I think that was my biggest thing. I wanted to be the mom, the one, the only. Hey, when you have a child and you love that child and give her all you've got only to be partially voided out by someone else... that would hurt even if it happened only in your own mind. I did realize after a while that this is not about me (and it's not about birthfamilies)... it's about the child. Just what is best for him. I think it would be easy to come up with good reasons for or against open adoptions. That's why good solid research on the subject would be so helpful, except there isn't that much of it around. That link from Dickons is really good. (thanks Dickons!!) I don't think there is clear proof that either way is "better" and of course studies cannot account for each individualized situation. However overall my impression of what data there is seems to support benefits to the child for open adoption. Obviously it's a generalization but when you are making decisions for something that will develop over time that's all you have to go by. That is why when some adoptees say they were happier with a closed adoption, I take it as one person's opinion. And I hate it when organizations like the pregnancy people put into print the things that they think could be wrong with open adoptions as facts, and say that this is what is wrong with it without a shred of data to support it. They simply say they "feel" that it's bad. (I don't see that link any more so I think someone edited the post.) I am sure that I am not the only one who already thought of all of those potential disadvantages of open adoption. I will detail some of the things that went into my decision. First of all the data as already mentioned. Also, every adoptee probably at least thinks about their bio family and is curious, at least at times in their lives. This dynamic is likely to be affected by many different things. For my kids, I just wanted to take the mystery out of it early on so that my children wouldn't be consumed with a desire to find out/reconnect when they came of age, right at the time when they were also supposed to be focused on graduation and college and what they are going to make of life. I figured if they already know bio mom and they see and talk to her, they will have started processing any potential issues relating to adoption and when they are turning 18 can concentrate better on all the other things that kids are doing at that time. The other thing that someone else mentioned is that there can't be too many people to love the child. Bio moms will be like extended family. As far as coparenting, I haven't had a problem with that and I don't know anyone who has... I don't think that is a significant thing to take into account really. Once in a while I do think of bmom with some parenting decisions, usually spur of the moment ones, and wonder what she would think of my actions or what she would have done. None of that has much impact on how I parent though and that could happen with open or closed. I expect the "I am going to live with her... I hate you... I wish you never adopted me" kind of stuff at some point. But that can happen with open or closed adoption. Venomous teens are venemous teens whether adopted or not. I am not looking forward to it but if and when it happens I'll be ready. Just some food for thought. I am really not trying to change your mind; I am just bringing up some of the things I considered when faced with that decision a few years ago. So anyway I think the answer to your question is: yes many people in all areas of the triad prefer a closed adoption, and yes of course it can be done. You have my best wishes and thoughts for the process and I hope you will update us further in the future. :)

This sounds perfect. I guess part of something I am not sure of is exactly where the line is drawn between closed and semi-open. The secrecy I am talking about does not just include not telling a child they are adopted (which I do understand is not the norm, but is still done sometimes) but also knowing information about birth family and keeping it from the child. When I hear closed I think of the adoptions of the past where we now have adults with threads of info that make it near impossible for them to find their birth family. I know it isn't really like that anymore. I do think the idea of having contact information, and the willingness to share it with the child when they ask for it sounds great. Is that still closed though? Is it only considered open if there is some type of contact? Does that mean if a child starts asking around age 5 and the APs contact the BPs as per their childs wishes that they are "opening" the adoption? Is sharing pictures and info on their child's BPs opening the adoption? Sorry for the 20 questions but as we head into our second possible adoption in a much different situation that our first I am thinking more and more about what is best for the one this affects the most. I think I love this site more each time people post something that challenges the way I think! Thanks!

Much of what you are talking about would probably fall under "semi-open," although different people seem to sometimes use the terms differently. I send pictures and letters through the agency twice a year, and we are considered semi-open. A true OA generally means that you have direct contact and work out what that will look like (visits, updates, etc) directly. Often OA's include visits, but I know some people with adoptions they consider open who don't visit, mostly because of distance concerns. Generally there would be some type of contact for it to be considered either open or semi-open, but that contact wouldn't necessarily be direct or include any identifying information. For example, C's bparents know the state I am from but not the city, and they know my first but not last name, my profession but not my employer. Not that it would be difficult to find me; knowing my profession they could look me up by first name on the state licensing website and find me in about 2 seconds. I was not given their last name either (except it was accidentally left on one page of the hospital record, so I do have it and could find them fairly easily). You can keep as much or as little of your identifying information private as you like while still maintaining some level of contact if that is what you choose.

I think basically that you have to do what's best for your child. You can go in thinking 'I really want open/closed'. But of course your child does not yet exist. Later on, if it turns out the child really needs contact (and of course it's safe to do so, and BP's agree) it would be wrong to say "but I want closed, my child has to put up with I want". On the flip side, if your child really wants to close down their adoption, it's not ok to say "No you must go see them, it's all up to me". Parents have some control, but the childs needs must be at the forefront of all decisions, not the wants of the parents. So I think you need to be receptive to change, and not totally set on one form of adoption. I think it's worth being educated on the pros and cons of all forms of adoption - because, at people have said, what they thought they wanted didn't always happen.Myself, I started out writing short updates to DD1's first family, but it closed down completely later. I have no regrets, it was entirely the right thing to do for her. But with DD2 and DS other mum, I have an open adoption, which is also completely right for them.I don't think closed adoptions are necessarily bad. Bad is having parents who refuse to discuss adoption, and make an atmosphere of lies or secrecy. That's not what closed adoption has to be. It's possible to have a closed adoption (no ongoing contact) with lots of healthy communication and talking about adoption in general. Never misrepresent what you want though. You can match with a woman who has the same preferences as you

This may sound selfish on my part but we NEVER once considered a "fully open adoption." I did not want to feel like every move I made was being watched. I also did not want to have to do visits because our vacation time is used to visit family that lives states away and we really did not and still do not have time to visit others. We were very open with our agency on what we would and would not agree to. Sure it meant it took a little longer to adopt but there was no way I could agree to something knowing it was not what I really wanted. OA is just not for our family.... that does not mean it is not good or not for other families. We did opt for a Semi-Open Adoption with an agreement to send letters, photos and updates. This was to be a two way street. It has been 3.5 years and we have not recieved one picture or update. Any time I am one day late sending the packet I get an email from the adoption agency asking if I am going to send it. Well sometime life happens and I can't do it on a certain date. I also don't like sending someone I don't know personal information and photos. I would love for the contact to be a two way street so that when DD is older she will have some information. But the bmom in our situation does not want to send anything. I guess I said all that to say that the type of adoption you wish to persue is a serious choice to make. You should not be pressured into a choice that you are not 100% comfortable with. Your choice should be based on your life style and your willingness to stay the course and not change your mind.

Thanks Crick for promoting that need to obtain comprehensive info - my favorite pet peeve of adoption - the lack of family health history. I just want to point out again though that as Crick noted the "contact info" for later if needed is very very important. Like BLDG noted above - now that she is older and things are happening that history would be very valuable - that history provided at the time of birth is multiple decades out of date - so much has evolved in the family health history since it was given that it might be pretty much useless. Contact info is priceless because as much as you want to wish stuff happened to other people it can and does happen to you. BTW: I sat on the fence of openness for a long time. I now believe it can be done successfully if people are willing to put their ego's aside and really just focus on the intention of helping their child. Kind regards,Dickons edited: referenced wrong forum member - corrected to BLDG

Yes, but in closed adoptions I don't know how easy it is to actually get contact info unfortunately... especially if people move and don't always think to let the agency know.We got the medical history but apparently they really didn't know much about it, and their parents were still pretty young... so it's pretty much all useless sadly. I'd like to think that they would contact us if something important happened, but I'm not keeping my hopes up... I guess we'll have to teach them be very proactive.

In our situations, we have never, ever felt like we were co-parenting our children. Not once has our parenting style ever been questioned. The (bio) families love our/their children. I also love the fact that because they are open, we will have a direct link to the medical information. Just recently, we found out that our youngest son's great grandmother has glaucoma. Now, while it isn't a concern right now, it will be a concern as our child ages. I agree that OA isn't for everyone. As I mentioned in a previous post, I wanted closed for semi-open at best. I'm so glad I feel differently now. :)

My Dh was in foster care and aged out. During that time he had some visits with bio family until he requested that they stop. This was many (many) years ago, when laws and societal norms were different. Dh did not like seeing bio parents, one of whom would talk endlessly about 'getting back together as a family' (Dh's worst nightmare) with alcohol laden breath. He'd have been happier with no contact. I do realize that we're talking foster care here, but he was in permanent care with no plans of reunification, so in most aspects except legal paperwork his 'foster' parents were the same as 'adoptive' in his mind, and theirs. (They'd tried to adopt but former laws in our state barred foster parents from adopting foster children in their home. Additionally, parental rights were not terminated, and children over the age of infant were considered 'unadoptable', even if there was a family banging down the agency doors wanting to adopt them. :rolleyes:)Fast forward to when we began adopting. Dh was not a huge fan of fully open adoptions with ongoing, face to face visits. We were adopting children who had been removed by CPS and whose parents were involved in unsafe lifestyles. (In addition to drug addiction there were other illegal activities/considerations for most of the situations.)We have a sort of semi-open adoption with two of our children's bio families. One is 3rd party contact only, another is pix/letters occasionally.While our adoptions are closed, the subject of adoption and our children's life stories are fully open in our home.Came back to add that for Dh, even with bio family contact, there is little/no medical history or other information. We don't even know the racial/ethnic heritage of the family. Additionally, all case files of Dh's years (17 years!) in foster care have been destroyed. If an adoption had taken place those files would have been sealed but they would still exist. For foster children those files are destroyed after a certain number of years. So we have no medical records from Dh's childhood (did he have mumps? measles? chicken pox? did he react to anesthetic? has he ever had a temperature above 104? who knows?) and the bio family has only the sketchiest of info due to being so fragmented. I also think that some families don't discuss medical histories, and it really was not common to discuss inherited diseases during the era of Dh's childhood.

When I was hammering out an open adoption agreement with Angel's birthmother, I wanted a clause that allowed me to stop visits after the age of 8 if Angel didn't want them. P's lawyer said "no". I said "How about stopping visits if an independent 3rd party said it's not healthy for him?". She said "No. We're not comfortable with that." You can be bound to what you agree on when making the adoption plans. If you agree to physical visits 3x a year, you can't change it to 1 visit or 'no' visits if your child doesn't like visiting. If you agree to keep it closed, you can't change it to 'open' if your child wants contact. Some states can hold you to your original adoption agreement. And like Fran said, a closed adoption usually means no info. I have NO info on M-K's mom other than some general medical info. And even that is sort of sketchy. With her adoption agency, closed adoption means you don't even get a name (let alone info that would allow you to find the person)

I'm a adopted adult that wishes that her adoption could have been open. I wish I could have grown up having relationships with my siblings at least. I don't know that M could have handled it, but who knows?As an adopted person I wanted open adoption for my son, believe me, there have been plenty of times I would have walked away for me, but I, and his adoptive parents believe it is best for him.As for co-parenting, I don't offer advice. Kiddo's mom asks me for advice and I give really general advice that I would give anyone. I don't think I have any right to talk to them about their parenting, they are his parents not me.

In this computer age, it's not hard to find free, public information. Also, before placement, you should receive hospital medical records and a couple of sheets that the birth couple filled out about their health history, their personalities, how big their families are, their likes/dislikes, height, weight, skin tone (if applicable), genetic/racial mix, what education they've had etc. With semi-open placements, you'll get at least first names. The earlier you start to collect information, the more willing people are to share. Do it just in case things close down later, or if you (like us) get people who decide not to share updates on med and fam history. I have a vinyl carry-all bag that has everything, including the baby book we did, for our son and he knows where it is. He isn't interested in looking at it much. Regardless, it helps if he ever had a question in the future. As for the explanation that there is more data available to support Open Adoption, there are several reasons. The idea of openness appeals to agencies, because it will bring in more women who think that this will allow them an alternative way to still share their children (and they will use this term). Many wouldn't agree to adoption otherwise. It appeals to preadoptive parents, who think that this will help the child to feel secure in knowing that information is at their fingertips. Then there are birthmothers from the closed era who have been very hurt by the experience, and want reform. Many writers and psychologists have run with the topic, to sell books. All that being said, there are a lot of assumptions and few promises in writing. There's a huge void in education about what OA means and the responsibilities both sides have before agreements are made. It's hard work! There are many disappointments when communication and effort are marginal. This creates problems on the Internet. Many adoptive parents will not post on public forums for this reason. Actually, in the twelve years since I started posting on forums and having problems with ours, there has been a steady growth of parents testing the waters when their opinions are against the trend. More articles have been written to give both sides. These did not exist even six or seven years ago. It's still hard for preadoptive parents to get an equal, unbiased amount of information from which to base their decisions. The best way is to ask domestically adoptive parents directly: any and all of them. Brenda Romanchik has a website which discusses entrustment ceremonies which I really like. I believe that if the two families really want a dedicated, motivated Open Adoption, they need to have their extended families' support, awareness, and the rite-de-passage in public. Each side promises to share in the communication, honesty, and effort to give the child a solid foundation - in front of their families and friends. Doing this prevents relatives from saying the wrong thing or undermining the effort.

I would not want a closed adoption. I have a almost 6 yrs old and we have a very open adoption. Even to the point were her birthmom babysits for me. Thats how open we are. We don't feel like she is over stepping in any way. We feel that our dd needs to know. She knows her whole story and she has a bigger family because of it. She does go to their houses for christmas and stuff. Our agency says that they won't work with you if you want a closed adoption. But I do understand why some would want it. But to me its not really fair to the child.

Hi 12345 - My husband really wanted a closed adoption until he met our e-mom, and then his comfort level completely changed. I really wanted the "ideal OA situation". Our b-mom wanted an OA until the time came for TPR, and then she decided to change to semi-open for the time being. Only time will tell what will happen I guess. I think that the take home point from everyone who has posted is that comfort level with openness is a very personal decision and that each individual situation is different. I can imagine situations where I would be very uncomfortable with an OA. To make our decision, we tried really hard to think about what would be in the best interests of the child in this particular situation, and to remind ourselves that love is meant to be multiplied and not divided. So far our hearts have only grown during this adoption process. I was worried about how quickly DH would bond with baby, and if anything, he "fell in love" faster than I did! I learned so much about the breadth of emotions from reading posts on this forum. These are complex issues with complex emotions, and rarely are the answers black or white...

i am an adopted child I was adopted almost at birth. if those 2 those lowlives will ever find their way to me, they better not, they will be dead. i am not joking. My mom knows my homocidal views on those 2. Do your kid a favor and keep adoption CLOSED! I am in the middle of adopting a kid and i am pretty much on everyone's case "shove your open adoption up in your arses!" Cheers VP