Home Study being put on hold!

That doesn't seem to make any sesnse? What kind of issue could prevent you from adopting, but make you ok to foster a child?Have you talked to a supervisor to challenge this? Could you check with the county to see if they could update the study or start it over so you could foster?

I would definitely ask some questions, I can't imagine passing a homestudy but then being told they were putting you on hold for not having parenting experience. There are a lot of PAP's that don't have parenting experience, most of us are trying to become 1st time parents (DUH). Ask exactly why they feel this way and it may not hurt to talk to a good adoption lawyer, this is your adoption process and you should be able to understand what is going on.

One other quick thought, maybe you should repost this in the international section of forums. I am trying domestic and they may have more insight for you on this one. Good luck!

There are many things you can do, aside from fostering a child, to get "kid" experience. I spent four years volunteering evenings in a children's hospital. My primary unit was oncology, but after I spent six months there, I was allowed to rotate to other units, and especially to a general medical unit for infants and toddlers. I absolutely loved the work, even though I got thrown up on and pooped on, dealt with tantrums and fears, and so on. I got an award for putting in 450 hours, though the amount of time I spent was actually greater; if a nurse was overwhelmed and needed a newborn fed, or if a baby just wouldn't sleep and kept crying, I was more than willing to stay beyond my shift. Sometimes, there were sad events. My all-time favorite child on the oncology unit died of a brain tumor, and I went to her funeral, for example. But there were also happy events. A little cross-eyed baby who was in foster care was doing so well with cancer treatment that the doctors felt sure that she would live; the doctors arranged for her to have her eye surgery, and one of the "good" sets of foster parents she had decided to adopt her! By the time I went off to China to meet my daughter -- I had already had my homestudy -- I felt very well equipped to parent my brand new 18.5 month old in a hotel room, whatever challenges she might turn out to have. Most volunteer programs won't require a homestudy, though they will require things like reference letters from people like your doctor and (if you have one), your pastor or religious advisor. Sharon

By the way, it is not uncommon for a family to be told to get some child experience, if the parents seem to have some unrealistic expectations about parenting, and especially about parenting an internationally adopted child, before a homestudy can be approved. Did you make a big issue about not wanting to parent a child with special needs? (You simply can't predict if a child from abroad will turn out to have some, even if they were not diagnosed prior to adoption.) Did you have some concerns about how to talk to a child about adoption, and think that you might not tell your son or daughter that he/she was adopted, until she was much older? Did you and your spouse appear to be not on the same page about issues such as discipline or religious instruction? These are the kinds of things that usually trigger a decision to defer approval for a year or so. The good news is that, if you meet with the agency and find out exactly what reservations the staff had about your qualifications to parent, you CAN usually find a way to overcome the objections, even if it sets your timetable for adoption back a bit. Sharon

Week 1, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. My husband and I could not imagine that our Social Worker, according to State standards, would be ready to approve our Home Study and that our International Agency would put it on hold. What's worse is that the International Agency is dragging their feet on putting these so called “issues” down in writing along with their clear expectations of what we can do to rectify this situation. As a matter of fact our Social Worker actually said that she had never had to deal with this type of an experience before. She was dumbfounded and sincerely sounded as heart-broken as we did. In the most polite and politically correct manner she could, she stated that the International Agency was simply "extremely conservative". We are going to try to be patient and if by next Monday we haven’t had a response from the International Agency we are going to have to do something. Speaking to an Attorney that specializes in Adoptions and the process might be an excellent start. Even though I do not know the Domestic Adoption process well, I wish you nothing but success! Your advice was comforting. Thanks again! Lisa

Sharon, Really! I am going to make the assumption that you approached this topic fully meaning to be helpful, but do not make assumptions. I’m sure it was simply a phrasing issue. First off, I am an adopted child – I know what it means to be adopted from all angles and neither my husband nor I ever had “unrealistic expectations about parenting and especially about parenting an internationally adopted child…”. After examining our life and realistically discussing our expectations, we did request to adopt children without special needs. Let me stress however, that all adopted children have needs - needs that we were most likely better prepared to handle than most. Why would I make this type of a bold statement? Due to the fact that I was adopted and know many of the in’s and outs of the emotions and sometimes even trials that a child can feel being adopted. Because my husband was an abused child. He knows what it means to be alone, scared, neglected; hurt, fearful and that list can go on with descriptions too horrific to put down in these forums. He has learned how to deal with the abuse he endured through love, patience and time, and learned what an institutionalized child might feel as well. Many of these emotions are parallel and thusly he has a better understanding of how to assist a young child through love and understanding. Too boot I am a former educator having taught children to figure skate, having taught Special Olympics with a figure skating concentration, and also responsible for teaching pre-school to 15 children at a time. I do have parenting and experience as an educator. My husband on the other hand has five younger siblings, the youngest being 13. He has always had an active role in their lives making sure that many of their basic needs were met often time when his parents simply couldn’t. Both my Husband and I are active within our church, including volunteering for youth activities. The reference letters for our Home Study came from our Pastor, Physicians, close friends that we sit for regularly that included how their children felt about us as well within the letter, and so on and so forth. They are glowing! And we would have no issues volunteering anywhere with our credentials. No we have no issues on speaking to the children about adoption – I was adopted – we’ve got that covered. No my husband and I did not have issues with appearing to be on the same page about issues such as discipline or religious instruction. My husband and I finish each other’s sentences – that includes our thoughts on discipline. We are both Christians, as previously stated, we attend Church regularly, volunteer, I hold a position on church council – we are united. Noooooooooooooo we are not perfect. While we will do our utmost to be fantastic parents I am certain that at some point and time we will make a mistake. Yet – we will always put the best interest of our children and their safety first. I fully agree with you that the good news is that we may be able to find a way to overcome the objections of our International Agency, but yet is does set our timetable back. It is a disappointment, hence why I communicated it that way to begin with. We were hurt, I was looking for support. I thank you for your attempt to assist us. Lisa

Normal, The International Agency put our Home Study on hold because they are more closely scrutinizing all candidates due to the abuses that have now been mentioned and brought to light in the international adoption world/community once a child had returned to their forever home. Because as mentioned above, my husband did endure abuse as a child (physical, mental and emotional), they are concerned that the children we adopt and bring home may be brought into a potentially unsafe or abusive environment. Let me further state that my husband has been regularly seeing a Counselor and Psychiatrist to resolve and deal with this former abuse. It also must be further stated that my husband is not in any way shape of form abusive and never has been. His Psychiatrist wrote a glowing letter of recommendation stating that he fully feels that my husband has dealt with his issues and continues to have support from a wonderful support system and that he is ready to be a parent. As additional preparation (upon the suggestions of our Social Worker) I did see a Counselor for a mental health evaluation and to ensure that I have in no way shape or form been abused and that I am fit and competent to be a parent. Again, the letter was glowing and frankly blew me away. It was wonderful. OBVIOUSLY – our first concern is that of the children we want to bring into our home. Obviously, these children have no voice and someone has to act as their advocate. One would think with the years of experience with his siblings, with my experience within Education and volunteering that we would have proven that we do have experience. Now they are saying we need even more. We have found a resolution to the situation and will be assuming custody of my husband’s 13 year old brother. He has all of our love and we are happy to take on the parenting role to improve his life. Again, we were disappointed because after ten years of marriage and after nine years of planning for adoption additional time felt like a setback. Both my husband and I thank you for your time and for the fact that you responded. It was great to get feedback from yet another person involved in this awesome community. Thanks! Lisa

I am delighted to hear that you will be adopting within your family. It is unfortunate, but people who have been abused physically or sexually, including victims of rape, always face additional scrutiny by adoption agencies, and a few will not approve them. There is a body of evidence showing that people who have been abused may have difficulty forming healthy relationships, unless they have worked through their anger, grief, and shame with counseling. There is also evidence that people abused in childhood are somewhat more likely than others to commit abuse, probably because that is the only model of parenting they know. My feeling is that, if you have had a thorough homestudy, and the social worker thinks that your husband has worked through issues related to past abuse, that should be sufficient. The fact that he has been in therapy, and that the therapist feels that he is in good shape for parenting, is an additional factor in his favor. And the fact that you both have experience dealing with children is also highly favorable. Is there a chance that you could still be approved if you went with another placement agency? It seems as if this one has some very strong biases, and cannot get past them Sharon

It seems as if you have already done all the right things. It is true that a history of being the victim of physical or sexual abuse/sexual assault raises red flags to agencies. Many people who have gone through these horrible things do not get adequate counseling. Some wind up with unresolved guilt or anger, which can make it difficult to have healthy relationships and to teach children to have healthy relationships. And, unfortunately, a few wind up perpetrating the same sort of abuse that was perpetrated on them. However, if your husband has been through counseling and has worked through any issues related to past abuse, and if you have been through an evaluation that determined that you have not been abused and that you understand what your husband endured, that should be sufficient for most agencies. Now, some foreign countries might have an issue, quite apart from what your agency rules. Right now, for example, Russia has become very concerned about the abuse/murder of some Russian children by their American adoptive parents. It could be that Russia will prohibit adoption by people who have been abuse victims, just as it currently prohibits adoption by people who've had DUIs or other alcohol-related problems, though I don't think such a rule has come down yet. My suggestion to you is that you look at some other placement agencies and at some other countries. Sharon