18 year old rebellion

Not a ton of help, but a school counselor and parent I once met said, "Never make any fuss about hair or clothes with teens. It's a battle you won't win." I understood the wisdom of it at the time.I think beard or no beard would fall into that category. Not to suggest this is easy. But at some point, your son is going to have to make these choices for himself. This might be it, age-wise, whether parts of him are mentally/emotionally ready or not. If HE makes the choice, then the "natural consequences" of his choice are his alone to bear. If *you* make the choice for him, or try to, he may marinate in resentment. I have a friend who is still babying a 24-year-old son. He's living with her at the moment while going to school. He's a tad spaced out... but in all honesty, I believe his only chance to find independence is to move out. I'm not sure she'll ever be able to quit trying to make choices for him as though he were 8 or 10. It isn't the easiest thing, to transition through this stage with a child. I'm assuming it's probably better for him to live with you, than to couch surf without stability? If so, you might try backing off somewhat on some of these choices that are his personal hygiene. Not to suggest it would be easy. My personal fears are tattoos and piercings -- ahhhhhh!!! -- and if I have to live through them, I guess I will. Sigh.Hope this helps, at least a little.

Not a ton of help here either. It sounds like he is trying a little bit to fight his defiance, and need for independence, since he was remorseful and went to counseling too. Sounds like he has a broken heart and doesn't know what to do with it, and neither does his body since he got sick. I've seen that happen a few times, especially when out at night and upset. What kind of girl trouble? Like broken hearted girl trouble? Most probably won't agree with me, but it might be time to act more like a roommate than warden, or a mom. A roommate that loves him, wants good things for him, wants him to stay Dare I say treat him like an adult friend who might need a little help to get started in life. Help you want to give. Adult roommates don't take advantage of each other, and have respect for each other. Friends want good things for each other. It's his choice to stay or go. It's his choice to ask for help and talk about his reactions to girl trouble, dreams of the future or whatever. Some of my friends have passed around a shed, one of those portable buildings... IF it gets too bad to trust him in your home, OR if he insists on leaving, let him know he has somewhere safe to stay. (if you have a yard) Do not suggest someone else could take him in. He doesn't have to take off. You don't want him to take off, it's his choice, or you don't feel safe with him in your home, especially if you aren't there. The main goal being to keep him out of danger and jail. Let him know if he goes to jail, there isn't much you can do for him but bail him out. The rest is up to him and the judge. The young adults I know that spent shed time, didn't spend much time there, depending on the weather. They were given a hose for water, extension cord for light, bathroom and kitchen time when parents are home. Everyone of them spent a lot of time fixing up their shed like they liked it, so at least it kept them busy for a while and gave them a place to think if nothing else. Some wound up in the courthouse, but most realized their roommates weren't as bad as they thought, especially since it was their choice. Only one liked the shed for a long time and came to visit when parents were at home. He has his own apartment now, and a good job, turns out he liked money too and visiting his parents. No more babying, not much suggesting, just conversation, mostly listening and hugging. Tell him a lot that he will be OK, you have confidence, and that you are there for him, always. I took off before I was 16, you'd think I'd be a little more help. :rolleyes: I have an 18 yr old son, so I know how they can be. He's never needed to spend shed time thankfully. My daughter did a little shed time tho. She got over it, graduated college, got an awesome job and is getting married soon. It wasn't the shed tho, or me, it was all her. I'm sure I could tell you what not to do much better LOL

Our rule is that after you are 18, you need to be a full time student or working to stay here. Violence is not acceptable. Maybe he can look into job corps, but I would check out the ones in your area first, they are not all equal. Some are great and and are great for helping the kids get on track and some are just places where they learn more bad stuff from the other kids. The military might be another option. If he lives at home and is not working or going to school he will escalate, bored young men do stupid stuff. Let him know that if threatens you again, you will call the police and you will not bail him out. He needs to learn that you will not accept violence or threats. That is not an OK way to deal with his stress. You can put up a punching bag in the garage or something but he cannot take it out on you.

Things have calmed down for the most part, though we have ramped up the therapy and are exploring medication options to control his volatile mood. I agree with this for sure and 99 times out of 100 I wouldn't have asked. I hate that this blow up started with a mistake by telling him to do that in the first place. But the bottom line is that this isn't about shaving, it's his extreme over the top reaction to a minor issue, as well as his inability to "talk himself down" when he feels angry. It's OK to disagree or not like what I ask him to do, but it's not OK to react in an extreme way. BethVA62, I do tend to baby him and have been making a conscious effort to try to stop (it IS hard). But respectfully...I don't agree with treating him like a roommate/friend. You're right that I am not his warden, but as unfair as I'm sure it seems to him, he's not an equal partner in making rules for the household. I believe that parents are the heads of the household and need to be treated with respect. The family is a team, and the parents are the coaches. Players need to trust that the coach wants to win even if they disagree with a decision. Kids need to trust that parents want their children to succeed. With adoption issues, building that trust is an extra challenge.

I'm glad things have calmed down Edy. I hope he can find a way to learn to calm himself, even if it's a medicated calm. I know many adoptees have a really really hard time dealing with love and relationships, especially if rejection or lack of trust is involved. I hope he gets along with his counselor, and his counselor "gets" him. Like Momraine we have rules for the now adults that continue to stay in our home, have had several. They must have a full time job, or full time school and part time job. No violence. Clean up after themselves and help with group chores. We do treat them like roommates since they are adults. But not equal roommates by any means! Even if they pay rent! It's my house, I allow them space, I have rules, they can't stay here forever. If they can't follow the rules, they know where the shed is. They know they don't have to roam the streets looking for somewhere to sleep, or a new place to live when they can't afford a place of their own. They can stay here. But they don't get to enjoy my stocked refrig and climate controlled home any longer. Life is tough out there, it's what you make of it. It's when the violence gets bad enough to have to remove them when it goes there. Or if they disrespect by being gone without approval and don't care and continue the late nights and days with fast company. Or if they don't agree with the coaches rules, can't take it anymore and feel like they have to leave. When it comes to fight or flight. I hope it never comes to that for you guys. I hope he's past it and knows it can't go on like that again. Basically we choose the shed (or somewhere safe on our property that's predetermined) over the courthouse or god knows where. We counsel. We don't give up and call the cops here or expect the judge to parent for us. It makes things worse for them usually and ends up just costing money. Their life is up to them. One thing I know about people, sometimes they are going to do what they are going to do, no matter what you say, no matter what you want for them. Not always much you can do about it. It's all about trust, trust that we won't give up on them, trust that we won't send them off for someone else to deal with, no matter what. They need to know that. That's what I was trying to say with the shed thing. It's a way to prove or teach that trust when severe growing pains get everyone upset. IMO babying them is OK sometimes :) It's needed too, plus it's too hard not to! Especially when they are doing well, or at least trying, they deserve that from their Mom no matter how old they are.

Been there, felt that, right with you, where you talk about saying something about shaving. Sometimes on a daily basis, "Why did I say/do that??" One thing I *always* tell my kids: "Nobody's perfect", and "I'm not perfect, nobody's perfect, not me, not you, nobody."I feel that prepares them both for the mistakes I make, and the fact that they will be making their own. Allows me to talk a bit more easily when I do think I have made a mistake. Anyone who'd claim this is easy is off their rocker. Wish you the very best of success as you seek ways to help your son at this time.

Our daughter turned 18 in march, stuck it out until 3 months ago and did the same exact thing right down to going to the hospital sick and actually wanting me there we babied her too just for her to continuously push us further away we now have not heard from her in 2 weeks no texts or calls to anyone we know she is living with a very controlling boyfriend and his parents the father of the boyfriend is a sex offender (habitual offender) it makes me sick to my stomach and I cry myself to sleep from worry but she's 18 and there is absolutely nothing we can do. Her counselor believes she is borderline personality disorder and what small contact she has had with us has been through my husband blaming me for everything. We adopted her 7 years ago and it is sooo painful especially when they are adopted as they could even be seeking out bio family that created the damage I love her with all my heart and just pray she will hit rock bottom and come back to us....

I think part of what you're seeing is normal teen angst. He may have a bit more wrapped up in there than the normal teen, but I assure you that the hormones, easy-temper snaps, extreme "I don't have to" attitude is very, very normal for teens.