Adoptees with Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm 61 and was diagnosed with BPD 20 years ago when I became very depressed while was searching for my birthmother. Antidepressants help with depression, but in my experience, nothing helps with BPD. I was in therapy for over a year, and I've been back to my therapist several times since then, always because of problems of getting too attached ("enmeshed") with people. Unlike you, I don't necessarily need to be taken care of, provided I have someone that I'm taking care of. When the relationships ended, I engaged in harmful behavior - from chopping off all my hair to my scalp, to cutting to suicide. Knowing what the problem is brings understanding but doesn't solve the problem. I keep making the same mistake over and over again. I seem to draw other "broken" people to me like flies to honey. They're people who need care-taking, or people who just want to take advantage of my need to be needed. Regardless, they eventually abandon/reject me. I'm stuck like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, screwing up over and over, except I no longer have the hope I'll ever get it right.

I'm very angry. I've been angry for much of my adult life. The anger has affected many of my relationships because it comes out inappropriately. I envy those who have strong natural connections - especially mother-daughter relationships. I envy those who are close to their families. My relationship with my adoptive mom was adversely affected. I could never allow myself to love her and be as close to her as I would have wanted. We eventually developed a strong friendship, but I couldn't allow myself to be totally free with her because I never felt the security I needed.Many adoptive parents tell their children that their birth mothers gave up custody because they loved their babies and wanted the best for them. But the result of statements like that can have unintended consequences: people who love you will leave you.In all my relationships I was always afraid of being abandoned/rejected, and the harder I held on, the more I couldn't let go, the worse it was. Intellectually I know that not every relationship is meant to last forever. I could let go on my own terms, but couldn't bear to be let go on another's. There remains a neediness in me that I hate, and it makes me hate myself. In my late 20s it resulted in a couple suicide attempts following break-ups that I didn't initiate. The least attention from a man results in my falling in love. I misinterpreted a simple invitation to have coffee, and became infatuated. When confronted with the truth I descended into a deep depression. A friendly relationship with a boss resulted in another deep depression when my employment was terminated. I cut my hair off clear down to my scalp.I began over again, not looking for a relationship but one developed with a man young enough to be my grandson. It wasn't romantic; I thought of him as the son I never had. When he went out of town for a couple weeks for the holidays I again chopped off my hair. He returned but I felt him slipping away. I began cutting. I carved his name into my thigh. I've renewed that "artwork" several times. On the first anniversary of my adoptive mom's death I carved her name into my other thigh. A few weeks later I slice my thigh again. No "artwork," just a couple deeper slices that have resulted in permanent scarring. When any hope of a continuing relationship with the young man ended, I considered suicide again. Right now I'm not actively planning on ending my life, but I've made the decision to do nothing to extend it. My eating habits are unhealthy, and I don't care. I smoke and drink, and I don't care. I won't see a doctor except for pain management. I hate living without feeling that I belong to someone and they belong to me. I've actually considered carving DNR into my chest because I don't want to live like this anymore. Antidepressants are a bandaid; therapy brings understanding but not healing. I'm 61 years old, totally messed up without any hope of ever being "normal."

Reading your post was like seeing inside my own head.

Crimson, I don't believe you have BPD. Frankly, I don't believe any adoptee does but that's just my opinion. I'm afraid (and research is starting to show) that adoptees may very well be the most misdiagnosed and overmedicated group on the planet. Sadly, medication doesn't heal a thing but just masks feelings. It is my experience that adoptees (and first mothers) suffer from post traumatic stress. This manifests into many things, like depression, and routinely get misdiagnosed as BPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, bi-polar, histrionic, etc. In the UK it was recently noted that over 90% of adoptees were diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Again, a misdiagnoses. I refuse to attach the term 'disorder' to post traumatic stress because it is actually a very natural reaction to a horribly unnatural situation. I think this quote is very true "The horrors of war pale in comparison to the loss of a mother". I hope you have a chance to check out this website - the info in the videos is quite good (even though they are just read from a page) [URL="http://www.adoptionhealing.com/"]Adoption Healing[/URL]